


Kill the Butterflies

by m4xw3ll



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Bisexual Alex, First Kiss, Fluff, Found Family, Friends to Lovers, Gay John, Happy Ending (eventually), M/M, Mutual Pining, Nonbinary Lafayette, Slow Burn, Transgender Hercules, Underage Drinking
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-28
Updated: 2020-05-01
Packaged: 2020-09-28 12:34:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 55,462
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20426054
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/m4xw3ll/pseuds/m4xw3ll
Summary: John Laurens and Alexander Hamilton find themselves in a uniquely weird position when their single parents decide to mingle - and get engaged. Pushing down his feelings, Alex tries to cope with being mean. But John already made a promise to befriend Alex, and he'd be caught dead before backing out of a promise.Hijinks ensue when the boys, struggling with family, mental illnesses and their sexualities, realize they can't make it through high school unscathed.





	1. Forced Family

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so after listening to the musical for two weeks straight (and reading lots of fics), I decided to contribute. I'm really excited for this work and I hope I can push through it, because there's a few cool scenes I really want to write.
> 
> Fic (and tags) will update weekly on Wednesday.

Alex could imagine a thousand things with which to spend his time, and everything would be better than going to brunch in some fancy, upper-class restaurant. It wasn't that he didn't like food, just that there were a bunch of people he didn't know, a dresscode he didn't agree to and … okay, fine, he _loathed_ being around strangers. Or any people, really. "I'd rather go back to St. Croix than spend another five minutes here," he mumbled and looked around from the buffet to the round tables decorated with white tablecloths and colorful flowers. Everyone in between wore a suit or fancy dress and he stuck out like a sore thumb.

"You should've listened to mum when she said 'dress formal'," James teased him and Alex felt his brother's elbow in his side. "Now look at you, you're all grumpy and stuff."

"Whatever." So he only wore jeans and a shirt which said 'Winter is Coming', had his unkempt hair in a loose bun and desperately longed for a pot of coffee to get him through this. It wasn't like he got much sleep at the end of the school year, with last-minute tests to determine their final grades and everything. "I don't even know why mom made us go anyway, I got at least three essays to finish and –"

"There you are!"

That voice directed Alex' attention to a short, brown-haired woman in a pastel yellow dress making her way through a small group near the buffet all the while holding a bunch of champagne flutes. Alex felt himself blush as his mother looked him up and down and sighed.

"I told you to dress formal, Alex," she said and shook her head, then handed both him and James a glass. "They're non-alcoholic, don't worry. Now, be outside in half an hour, we'll make the big announcement then. James, you look great – help your brother with his hair, will ya?"

After a kiss on each of their cheeks, their mum rushed toward … well, _someone_. It wasn't like Alex knew every one of her friends, a blonde woman in a quite tight dress this time. They'd only barely been introduced to her boyfriend of two years and now they had some big announcement they felt the need to invite all their friends to brunch to. At least James was here with him. He looked at his older brother and they shared a frown. "What was that?"

"I don't know," James shrugged and grabbed Alex by the shoulders after he set both their drinks, which most likely _did_ contain alcohol, on a nearby table. "But she's right, your hair is intolerable."

Alex puffed his cheeks. He looked nothing like his brother with his short, black hair and natural good looks, tall and even with a few muscles. In fact, he was pretty sure James hadn't done anything special with himself today, either. At least nobody except their mum noticed the scrawny boy at least a head smaller than the smallest other person in this restaurant. Which was why Alex found it extremely strange that there was a boy across the room who seemed to look him right in the eye while he stood there and let James fiddle with his hair.

Even after blinking twice, Alex had to resist the urge to clean his glasses to make sure that boy didn't look behind him. He was easily the prettiest person in the whole room, even though he, too, had deemed it appropriate to show up in ripped jeans and a blue shirt with a big white stripe across the chest. His brown curls looked barely tamed in that ponytail and as he came closer, Alex noticed freckles all across his face and arms. And a ton of muffins on a plate.

His face broke into a big, captivating smile and his green eyes seemed to twinkle as soon as the boy reached them and looked Alex over. "So I'm not the only one who ignored the request for formal."

_Shit_, Alex thought. What was he supposed to answer? How could he even form proper words when everything about this boy, even the chocolate crumb right below his lip, was absolutely fascinating? His face burnt and he was pretty sure there'd be no distinction between him and a tomato right now. Alex wasn't one to shy away from talking, on the contrary. But right now, he was absolutely helpless.

"He remembers every detail of every book ever written," James luckily helped him out, "but I think he ignores family texts." Or not so luckily.

"Ow!" Alex yanked his hair away as James tugged it and eyed his brother suspiciously. Then looked back to the boy, who only smiled as he watched Alex tug his hair back into a messy bun. "What are you even good for?"

"I'll get us food, you made me hungry." James shot the boy a small grin and made his way over to the buffet, leaving his brother alone with that boy.

Alex swore revenge, but that thought was wiped away immediately as a muffin formed directly in front of his face. "It's triple chocolate," the boy said as Alex gingerly took the offered muffin. "I'm John, by the way."

"Alex." He still hadn't gotten over the stunning beauty of this guy and he wasn't even sure if he said the right name.

Attraction to other boys wasn't anything new for Alex, but it never had this stunning effect. Everything from those messy curls to the easy way he leaned his hip against a table and munched on a muffin made Alex nervous. In his mind, they weren't in a restaurant anymore but a more private location where he would be able to check if John had freckles all over his body. Alex had put his hands into the pockets of his jeans to refrain himself from reaching up and wiping the crumbs from those pink and soft looking lips.

"So, uh." John brought up his free hand to scratch his neck and looked around. "We're the only underage people here?"

Alex blinked and looked around again. John was right, there were only adults around and their conversations were rather quiet so they could hear the soft piano music played over speakers in the background. Alex frowned. "Great. I could've studied but no, mum had to drag me here." He huffed and looked at John, who didn't seem comfortable himself. "I mean – well, at least James isn't the only one I can talk to here."

John frowned and looked to the buffet, where James walked up and down the tables with two plates, towering sweets and breadsticks and whatever else he could find on them. "That's your, uhm …"

"Brother," Alex finished and couldn't help notice how … relieved John looked. His shoulders slumped a little and the smile returned with ease to his face.

That made John laugh. "I wish my siblings were here, too."

"You can have James, I don't mind."

John blinked at him and never lost the big smile on his face. "He doesn't seem so bad."

"I guess." Alex shrugged. "When he's away."

Before Alex could ask why John looked sad all of a sudden and what he did to make this beautiful smile disappear, James came back and handed him a plate with a lot of stuff Alex would never even touch. He took it nonetheless, but instead bit the muffin. "We should head outside," his brother noted after glancing on his cellphone.

Other people began to fill out on the patio. "I'll go look for my dad," John excused himself and disappeared in the crowd.

Alex tried to watch him walk away, just to look at him for a bit longer, but James grabbed his arm and pulled him in the opposite direction. They found each other again soon enough, John's dad in a conversation with Alex' mum. Alex' eyes widened as he recognized that guy as their mum's boyfriend.

"Hi there, again," John laughed before stuffing the rest of a muffin in his face.

"Oh, you already met?" Alex looked at his mum and nodded as she turned to John, whose eyes went wide and all he could do was wave a little as he tried to swallow the whole muffin at once. "It's so nice seeing you finally get along with someone. You know, Alex doesn't have friends –"

"Not true," Alex interrupted before his mum could tell John various lies she seemed to fully believe.

"_One_ friend," James interjected, grinning. "Beside me. I don't count, I'm your brother."

"Well then, John here won't count, either, I'm afraid." Their mum frowned. Her attention shifted back to her boyfriend, Mr. Laurens, a 40-something years old man in a dark suit with a well-trimmed beard, dark eyes and a voice that left Alex slightly uncomfortable. He grabbed his mum's arm, and she held up a finger. "Just a moment, honey. You two –" that was directed at Alex and his brother – "look, I wanted to tell you sooner, but there just never … well, there never was a 'right moment' for this. Sorry for the surprise." With that, she kissed her boys on the cheeks and went with John's dad to the front of the forming crowd.

Alex blinked a few times and looked at his mum puzzled, just like James and John. Which wasn't as comforting as it should have been, but the implications made Alex' stomach riot. John's dad somehow got the other guests' attention as soon as Alex' mum joined him.

"What the hell is going on here?" Alex asked, looking from James to John and tiptoeing to look over the shoulders of the other guests.

"How should I know." His brother shushed Alex.

All the color drained from Alex' face as John's dad made the announcement. "Thanks for coming," he started and Alex could see a hint of the same smile John had, only it seemed colder. "As you know, Rachel and I have been together for a good while now. And we've decided to take our relationship to the next step and celebrate it with all our friends."

Alex looked around and saw frowns on a few faces, but mostly excited smiles. That should have been warning enough, though John didn't seem any wiser, either, what with the puzzled look they shared. "We got engaged," Alex' mum spoke up and, as if to prove it, held up her hand with a ring Alex definitely hadn't noticed before.

All around him, the friends of his mum and John's dad cheered and a few people even yelled, "congrats!"

Alex' eyes shifted to his brother, who looked equally stunned, to John, who had somehow lost the plate with his muffins and instead placed a hand over his eyes. If their parents got engaged, that super cute boy who somehow managed to make Alex speechless, would be his … brother. Step brother, yes. But family nonetheless.

That fact loomed almost as large as the fact that their mum had managed to keep an entire relationship away from their sons. Sure, they had met Mr. Laurens a few times, but it always had seemed like their mum had only dated the guy and she never disclosed any details. And she was so deep in now that she felt the need to get engaged and actually marry that man in the future. If he looked just half as stunned as John, that was plenty already.

"Wow," John mumbled. "That's … something."

Alex was about to answer but bit his lip. He couldn't say anything. He didn't want to make John talk with this deep, sweet voice, didn't want to look into his pretty and soft eyes and didn't want to stand so close to someone this beautiful. He had to distance himself. He couldn't even think about falling for John. Or rather thinking about doing stuff with him one definitely _shouldn't_ with a step brother.

The worst part, though?

The betrayal Alex felt. It wasn't a nice emotion, it seethed inside him, burnt him from the inside, made his intestines writhe and cramp and a look in his mum's direction, even though she seemed happy and Alex liked her smile, made him want to scream at her. How had she kept an entire relationship this far away from her own sons that she felt the need to get engaged without any of them having a say in this? Without even knowing if her sons would get along with their forced step dad? He wanted to get over there and scream at her, "how could you do that to us?"

But he didn't want to step on her moment. Because after all, he still was … happy for her. It had been a long time since their dad left them, after this horrendous hurricane that had destroyed everything. His mum and brother were the most important things in his life and he wouldn't ever do anything to sabotage their well-being. So Alex did the next best thing: He turned around, put his plate on a nearby table and made sure he got out of that restaurant.

*

The past few days had been stressful. John liked his summer quiet and calm and full of stuff he loved doing, but now that his dad had gotten engaged, those plans were out the window. The only good thing was that even though John had to pack his things and move in with that woman and her two sons he barely knew, at least one of these sons was a cutie.

He'd known from the first second he'd seen Alex that he was someone worth talking to. John didn't have a problem with strangers, but he didn't like to get too involved with them. It was safer if he wasn't. But Alex … the way he looked around and took in everything, and he moved with such a grace John wasn't sure he himself noticed, and the way he talked – John could watch him for forever. It was hard to take his eyes off of Alex' lips when he ranted about something, tongue flicking out and licking his lower lip right before waving his hands in the air. That was a sight John greatly appreciated.

Rachel – Miss Faucette, as he'd called Alex and James' mom at first – was someone he liked to have in his life, too. She was fine with 'Rachel' and not 'mom', asked how John was doing and didn't try to be too friendly too fast with him. James was exactly like her, so he didn't feel that weird after being told they'd move in a house in the suburbs during summer. James would be away for college when summer ended either way, and he and Alex got the surprisingly cozy basement all for themselves and a place for his pet turtle in the garden.

There was just this one tiny thing bugging John: Alex didn't talk to him.

Not during the first tour of the house, and not yesterday when they brought over the first batch of their stuff, and especially not today, the final moving day. Instead John could hear him argue with his brother even in the basement and as he made his way upstairs and tried to make a stop in the kitchen for a quick drink, he froze in the middle of the living room. The stairs, just like the entrance to the house, were separated by a wall from the living room, which merged with the kitchen in the back of the house, with only a dinner table and a small wall to naturally separate the rooms. On said dinner table stood a box, and on a chair next to it stood … Alex, shoving a finger in James' face and yelling about something.

John couldn't help but laugh. Full-on doubling over and wiping a tear that managed to fall from his eyes because that was the best thing John had seen in a long time. And he was friends with Hercules, the most hilarious guy – and best friend – his school had to offer. Maybe even the whole world.

Alex was red in the face and his hair was up in another messy bun, and he didn't seem to own plain shirts. This one said '_fuck you, you fucking fuck_' and with the logo below that John would bet it was from a TV show or book or something. It also greatly illustrated Alex' way with words. Except the guy stopped yelling and looked at John, even redder now if that was possible – even though James obviously couldn't hold it together for much longer, either. Which made him look so adorable John wanted to sweep him up in his arms and just … cuddle him. A weird thought regarding Alex, since John would prefer to call him other things than 'cute'.

"What the fuck is the matter with you?" Alex now pointed at John. "That's not funny!"

"Come on." James let himself relax and grinned now, too. "Cut the guy some slack – you look hilarious!"

John wiped a hand over his eyes and tried to control himself. "Sorry," he managed after drawing in a deep breath and managing not to double over laughing again. "That's just … you're …" Okay, maybe he shouldn't say _any_ of the things that came to mind – small, adorable, 'making me want to kiss you'.

Not appropriate.

John scratched the back of his neck, still not able to let go of his smile. "I just wanted to get a drink," he excused himself for barging in on the brothers. "But, uh … I can do that later. Sorry, I didn't want to intrude."

Even though James looked like he wanted to say something, John turned around and made sure to get out of the house through the front door. Alex hadn't talked to him since the engagement party and the first thing that came out of his mouth now was an insult. Maybe John had read him wrong last week and he wasn't actually a quite nice guy he'd love to hang out with?

Which didn't make any sense.

John flopped down on the porch and watched his dad and Rachel stand next to the moving company's truck and talk. He should go get his last few boxes from the guys – there was stuff inside those, especially his art supplies, that he didn't trust anyone else with. But he just couldn't seem to have any motivation left so he pulled up his legs and let his arms cross on the knees. The porch was painted white with a hint of blue, just like the rest of the house, and imitated a late Victorian era style. It fit perfectly in the quiet suburbs with the lush green parks and even a small lake in one of them John had already checked out. It wasn't far to the end of the city, leading to open farm land on the other side and a huge forest on this side of the town.

He could be content here, but somehow it felt wrong. Not really like a home. Maybe that feeling would change some day, but he didn't bet on it. The childhood home of his was in a completely different neighborhood and he missed it. The front door opened, pulling him out of those thoughts, and James stepped outside. He sighed and pushed some black strands out of his face.

"You okay?" John asked.

James flinched and looked down at him. "Oh, didn't see you there." He shrugged. "Yeah, I guess. Alex is just stressed out, which is stressing me out."

"Because he takes it out on you, I guess?" Though it technically wasn't a guess – that much was obvious from the constant cursing and screaming John had to witness. They spent the first night here last night and John stood upright in his bed when Alex started screaming and cursing in the middle of the night.

James waved a hand before leaning against one of the posts supporting the porch roof. "It's gonna get better. We're all kinda stressed out now – you too, I bet."

"Eh." He shrugged. The truth was, John was _super_ stressed. But that wasn't something he could tell a stranger, even if James was supposed to become his step brother some time in the future. Still a thought he wasn't quite comfortable with.

"Yeah, don't lie to me." James eyed him from the side in a way that made John nervous, though. "Anyway – why'd you stop talking to Alex?"

John frowned. He shifted a bit until he could put his arms around his legs properly, resting his chin on his knees now. That gave him a few seconds to contemplate his answer. "I didn't. Well, at least not on purpose. He just … vanished at that engagement party and never looked at me again."

"Oh."

If John was completely honest, it bugged him. More than he'd like to admit. He _wanted_ to talk to Alex – or to let him talk and listen to his smooth voice. Maybe even see him smile, crack a joke and look much less stressed than right now. John sighed. He could only imagine what Alex would be like when he was comfortable. But it was a nice image he painted in his head; one that put a faint smile on his face.

James turned back to him and held out a hand to help him up; John took it after a few seconds. "He likes you, I can tell." Since the guy didn't let go of John's hand, he could only turn away his head so the blush creeping up on his cheeks wasn't too obvious. "Can you promise me something?"

"What is it?" John frowned, because James looked super serious all of a sudden. Like whatever he was about to say was something he deeply cared about.

"Alex is complicated, he's too loud and cocky for his own good, and from what I hear you're going to the same school after summer. This fancy private school you're going to."

"What?" Now that made John _really_ listen.

James shrugged. "And he's gonna have a hard time. He doesn't have friends, at least not in this town, and we've been here for years. Mum makes him get out of the house and he has a job for the summer, but when I'm gone, I'm pretty sure he'll shut himself off. He has some good sides, too, even if they're hard to spot sometimes. So … I know it's a lot to ask, but do you think you can be friends with him? Make sure he's not too lonely?"

"Sure." John didn't even have to think about his answer. If it was important to James – and if that meant he could be somewhat close to Alex – he wouldn't hesitate. It was obvious James cared about his little brother and on top of starting college, he must have been so worried. John knew he would be. This time, the smile on his face was full-on, wide and happy. As if he hadn't already planned on befriending Alex, this was just extra motivation.


	2. Know Thy Enemy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the supportive comments! I really wasn't sure about this fic and I appreciate y'all taking the time to type up something nice. <3

Becoming Alex' friend was way more complicated than it sounded. He didn't react to anything John said, no matter how noncommittal it was, nor did he spend any valuable time somewhere John could reach him. As soon as the mandatory family dinner was over, Alex basically dashed into his room and didn't come out for the rest of the night. He didn't need to lock it to make sure nobody would bother him – not even James dared coming in there.

John's head connected with his desk and he sighed deeply. Nothing he said or did had any effect whatsoever, and it was frustrating. Even drawing couldn't help him calm down, even though that usually was a safe way to take his mind off things. No, instead Alex' face stared back at him from the paper as he lifted his head back up, crunched up and deep in thoughts as he'd been at dinner. John sighed, curling the hand in which he held his pencil and resting his chin on it.

For a moment, he closed his eyes and listened to the music blasting from his headphones. Just like Alex, John liked to curl up in his room – well, from time to time – and pull up a favorite playlist on his laptop. Hercules had introduced him to that one musical and now John couldn't help but listen to the soundtrack all the time. There was something behind those words and the way the singer's voice cracked during an especially emotional part that John felt he could understand on a deeper level.

"_I've learned to slam on the break, before I even turned the key!_"

The world around him disappeared and there was nothing beyond his room, nothing in the whole world except him and his drawings, the leather swivel chair on which he sat cross-legged and the cool wood of his desk he rested his arms on. A small smile made its way on his face, a ball of feelings he'd held in for the past week bubbled up his chest, at first just a few tiny bubbles, but it soon they clumped together, forming a massive ball, unmoving and heavy like a stone, crushing his chest and making his heart beat fast.

All the feelings he tried to bottle up came crashing over him with that ball, making themselves known like a tidal wave, pulling back the ocean to leave numbness and then hitting him with so much force he didn't know how he could still hold himself upright. Most present was the loneliness he felt whenever he turned around and still expected Mary to sit there and draw with him, face scrunched up and tongue peeking through always pouting lips. The disappointment when little Henry and James didn't come crashing through his door, demanding his attention because they wanted to play, because one of them hurt himself, because … John was their brother. And he should take care of them now. The everlasting anticipation to hear his phone _bing_ all the time when Martha would keep sending him memes she found, not bothering to leave her own room. Sometimes, John still imagined hearing her laugh echo through the hallway outside.

It hurt just to breathe and his eyes started burning, demanding he set the tears free that he kept deep inside his chest. Like it was John's responsibility to finally open up. Like his siblings would come back, his mom would open the door, that huge friendly smile on her freckled face and the kids squeezing past her – when he would just cry.

But he knew that once he'd start, there was no turning back. It would take hours for him to calm down, to stop the hitched breathing, and his eyes would be red for the rest of the day. He could do without feeling like a mess _and_ looking the part, without the disappointment his father would show – through looks, never words – whenever he saw John letting himself go. Without all the judgment he would impose on himself whenever he'd see his reflection in the bathroom mirror, so sure the crying was over and then, suddenly, the tears would continue to fall.

"_I am tap tap tapping on the glass_," John sang in harmony with the song, bringing up his hands and pressing the palms on his eyes after turning up the sound to drown out his thoughts. "_Waving through a window!_"

*

*

When the door of his room slammed open, it was only a faint sound, dulled by the song. John's vision filled with white stars from pressing his hands into his eyes so hard, and he blinked a few times before he could make out the person standing in his room with one foot.

Alex wore only a loose shirt and boxers, his hair messy and glasses askew. He stared at John through small eyes, face flushed and obviously still tired. Only his moving mouth made John pull down the headphones.

"– wrong with you?" Alex put his hands on his hips. "You can sing all day when I'm at work, but no – 5 AM is the best time, obviously, and there's no other person sleeping in the room next to you who has to get up in less than three hours!"

John felt all color draining from his face. As cute as Alex looked, his words were alarming and he hurried to cover his drawing with another piece of paper before fumbling for his phone, buried under crumbled paper, a few pencils and an eraser. "Shit," he mouthed before turning back to the obviously angry boy. "I'm so sorry, I didn't know how late it was. Or, well … early."

Alex swayed back and forth before grabbing the door frame with one hand. "Whatever," he mumbled before bringing up a hand to press on his mouth, muffling a yawn. "Just … keep it down." With that, he turned around and slammed the door shut.

Maybe he should finally go to sleep, John mused. Holidays always screwed with his sleep pattern and he hadn't noticed he'd been filling paper after paper with drawings, listening to his music for hours on end and not even bothering to check the time. The weight on his chest wasn't fully gone as John put away the headphones and made his way over to his bed to curl up in. His eyes still burnt with unshed tears.

*

Alex desperately wanted to be annoyed with John. Angry at him, even. For singing so loud it felt like John stood right next to his bed, for his voice cracking now and then and sounding like he was about to cry, for that … panicked look he wore when Alex had come crashing into his room. But he couldn't.

It wasn't like he was the first person to go to sleep in this house, and it wasn't like he needed much rest anyway. But he was pretty sure if he'd listened to John for a few more minutes, he would have started to cry himself. Alex didn't know the song the other boy seemed to love so much he would basically yell along, but the words resonated with something he kept hidden deep inside his chest. Alex groaned and pulled his hair back into a ponytail, watching his face in the bathroom mirror. He definitely looked sleep-deprived, with dark circles under his eyes in an otherwise pale face, but at least the shower had made him feel better.

A knock on the door had Alex flinch.

"Hey, you need any longer in there?" Came John's muffled voice from the other side.

For a moment, Alex considered hurrying up. He grabbed his phone from the cabinet under the sink, looked at the time … and stopped. He still had time. So he pulled the hairband out of his hair and combed it again, deciding he could blow-dry it instead of just patting it down with a towel and hoping for the best. He could wash his face properly, rubbing his eyes like the dark circles would fade away if he did. He could … maybe take a little of that body lotion John kept with his other stuff, the one that made him smell like berries and Alex had to hold his breath every time John passed him because otherwise he'd be all over the guy. Just a few dips on his cheeks.

"You've been in there for half an hour!" John's voice came back. "You're not the only one with responsibilities during summer!"

Alex raised an eyebrow at his reflection and sighed again. "Fine," he mumbled and grabbed his phone.

Right when he opened the door, John seemed to freeze. His hand was still up in the air, curled into a fist like he wanted to bang his way _through_ the door. "Finally," he breathed and unfroze, taking a step to the side so Alex could pass him. The door slammed close behind him.

With a small, smug smile tugging at his lips, Alex made his way to the stairs and failed to remind John that they had another bathroom upstairs, even though that one was way smaller than theirs. It wasn't the first time he was glad their rooms were in the incredibly cozy basement. Neither of their parents or James were awake yet – at least not in the kitchen, where Alex scrambled for a to-go mug to pour a cup of coffee inside. He had to get to work, after all, and was now a bit late because he wanted to get back at John for …

For having such an incredible singing voice and tugging at something Alex had kept hidden deep inside him for a long, long time. For waking him up before dawn.

For looking like he was about to cry when Alex barged into his room. For being so loud.

For making him want to sit on John's lap and hug him until he was smiling again.

*

There were few things more disgusting to step into a puddle with your socks still on. At least that was John's opinion. He pulled a face and gingerly toed back to the bathroom door, all the while eyeing up the room before him. Was Alex serious?

"Do you know what a shower curtain is?!" John yelled up the stairs and hoped Alex still heard him. "You flooded the bathroom!"

No answer.

"Hey!"

Great – now he needed to get a new pair of socks. And a mop.

*

Alex tried to be on time for work every day. So far, it went really well – but he couldn't leave the house without a cup of coffee. Not if people expected him not to kill them when they pulled out their phones and started talking loudly on the bus. Which was in and of itself not a problem, but after John's late-night singing, again, he kind of overslept. And when he looked through the shelves, he couldn't find the to-go mug he always kept within reach.

It was only when he checked the cupboards that he saw it sitting on the highest shelf. Alex rubbed his eyes because he couldn't believe what he saw. That was _not_ where he usually placed it. Neither of their parents would care about the mug sitting on the counter, and James had learned a long time ago that leaving Alex without a dose of caffeine might as well be a good reason to write his will.

So John was the only other person who would dare setting the mug on a shelf where Alex couldn't reach it.

"Asshole," he muttered under his breath and grabbed a chair from the dining table.

*

John knew that he probably deserved this. But no leftovers from dinner, no toast because Rachel went shopping only once a week, and now all his snacks he'd stashed away for this case were gone, too. John knew for a fact that he hadn't eaten any of them all week.

And now he stared into the empty box of Twinkies and wondered whether he should suffocate Alex with a pillow or push him from the first story window. Nobody else in this house would touch his snacks, at least not without asking him first. James had already proven that, and Rachel and his dad had expressed a certain dislike in Twinkies.

The only other person he could imagine eating all of them and putting the empty box inside the cupboard was … "Twinkies for the twink," John mumbled, crumbled the box and threw it away. "Damn."

Now there was nothing left for a midnight snack.

*

Alex had barely caught his bus and was lucky to be on time for work – this time because a certain _someone_ probably found it funny to tie the laces of his sneakers together. His supervisor, Montgomery, wasn't someone to let even a minute of lateness slide, and Alex could do without getting scolded by someone rumored to be a veteran. But Montgomery only raised an eyebrow as Alex hurried behind the counter, grabbed his pastel yellow apron with a huge, smiling coffee bean on the front and helped Aaron set up shop for the day.

The coffee shop, creatively named _One Bean_, was a comfortable place with dark wooden floors, comfortable padded chairs and even a long booth separating the room in two more or less equal parts. Alex liked the smell of coffee that hung in the air not even ten minutes after the first customer came in to order, the spacious room with a window front and plants placed on basically every shelf they had. Right next to books, comics and manga customers who didn't come here to work with their laptops could pick up and read.

A few hours into his shift, he was preparing a drink behind the counter when Aaron stepped up to him. Which wasn't unusual, but Alex still was a bit wary of him. He was around his age and always smiling, even when he was obviously uncomfortable. "Hey, you see those guys?"

Alex turned around and looked in the direction Aaron was pointing. Two people their age sat near the windows, deeply involved in a discussion. They looked perfectly normal, but Aaron seemed uncomfortable enough. "What about them?" Alex asked.

"Well, one of them – the one with the short hair – is going to my school and we're, uh," Aaron brought a hand up to rub his neck. "And she – uh, he – isn't my best pal. We don't really see eye to eye. Can you take their orders?"

Alex frowned. As far as he knew, Aaron shouldn't have a problem with anyone; he had offered no opinions on any topic Alex tried to bring up and make small talk with whatsoever, which was weird enough. But what did he know? This was work, not school. So he only shrugged – it wasn't like Aaron's request was troubling for him. "Sure."

Aaron took over preparing his drink as Alex made his way through the room. As he came nearer, he heard the one with a bun on top of his head talking, his accent obviously French and his speech riddled with foreign words, like he wasn't quite comfortable with English yet. Alex had to admit, the shawl with a cute flower pattern looked pretty good on him, just like the pale green v neck and a pair of tight jeans. The larger kid with short black hair wore a gray vest over a white shirt with matching pants, like he just got off work in an office or something. Still, they were obviously teenagers, around Alex' age if he had to guess, maybe a year or so older.

"May I take your order?"

The French kid stopped talking and looked up at him, then back at his friend. "We're still kinda waiting for someone?"

"Nah, he's gonna be here in five," the other kid said after checking his smartphone and smiled at Alex. "I'll order for him."

He really couldn't tell what Aaron's problem with those two would be, except maybe their names, which Alex had to take for their orders. Lafayette definitely sounded French, and he couldn't fathom what would make parents name their kid Hercules. "Did they say anything?" Aaron asked as soon as Alex was behind the counter again.

"No?" He frowned. "What's wrong with you?"

"Uh, nothing." Aaron shrugged, then turned to the next customer, obviously wanting a to-go order.

Alex only saw the problem when their orders were ready and he took them to the table. Sure enough, their friend had shown up and Alex almost dropped the tray with the coffee mugs. John sat down in the free armchair next to the other two and grinned as Hercules punched his arm, then turning to their other friend and freezing as he saw Alex standing in the middle of the room. They looked at each other for a few seconds, before Alex took a deep breath and continued over.

"What are you doing here?" John asked as soon as he reached them.

"I work here." Alex raised an eyebrow. "What are _you_ doing here? Didn't you say you were busy?"

"Yeah," John shrugged. "Not that it's any of your business. Maybe I'll tell you details when you stop flooding the bathroom."

As soon as he said that, Alex felt blood rush to his face. "Well, I needed to hurry, since _someone_ always hides my coffee mug!"

"Not true!" John pouted. "Not today."

"Whatever. You tied my shoes together."

"What's going on?" Lafayette asked, looking between him and John and frowning like he just tried to make sense of a complicated math problem.

Hercules, on the other hand, burst out laughing. "That's your new brother?" He asked John, pointing at Alex. "I thought you said –"

"Shut up!" At least John had turned bright red, too.

Alex fumbled while setting their drinks down and was ready to flee behind the counter again when Hercules grabbed his arm. "Hey, you're coming to our school after summer, right?"

"What?"

"John told us." He grinned up at him as if he was completely oblivious to the awkwardness of the situation.

"I … yeah, I guess," Alex mumbled and looked away, not really in the mood to continue this conversation. He set their orders on the table and tucked the tray under his arm.

"Aw, nice." Lafayette clapped, looking incredibly pleased. "I'm not the only new kid."

John sighed. He glanced at his friends and brought a hand up to run it over his face. "Truce?" he asked, finally meeting Alex' eyes.

Which wasn't supposed to make his heart flutter. Everything about this boy was cute and he couldn't deal with that when they had to live together. When their parents got married. On the other hand, Alex knew that he was being unreasonable, and on purpose no less. He had no reason to dislike John – objectively speaking, that was.

"C'mon," John pulled him out of his thoughts. "Promise I won't sing anymore." He held out one hand.

"But you sound great!" Hecules' eyes widened as he shook his head.

"Not at five in the morning." That was a complete lie, but what could he say? Admit to John's face that he'd lie awake for hours just to listen to him? Instead, Alex took his hand. "Fine. Truce."

A grin so wide that it must be painful spread on John's face, highlighting his bright eyes and making Alex wish he'd stay like this for forever. "Wanna come to the mall with us when your shift is over?"

Alex bit his lip before he could say anything that wouldn't be good for him. Like, 'yes'. "Don't push it," he answered instead, forcing the words out of his mouth like he forced a stupidly wide grin down. "I have to get back to work."

Aaron frowned at him as Alex came back to the counter to get the next guest's order. "I thought you didn't know them?"

"Yeah, well." Alex shrugged, but offered nothing else. It wasn't Aaron's business to know that he thought his goddamn step-brother was cute. That was wrong on so many levels Alex didn't even bother to count.

And what was it with that stupid truce? He would bet his life's savings that it had been James' idea. Then again, John had sounded so sincere … Alex looked back at their table where Hercules had pulled John into a headlock and Lafayette scrambled to get his drink out of his flailing arms' reach. He could hear them laughing faintly. It must be so nice to have actual friends in the same town.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh John, as if it were that easy...


	3. And They Were Classmates

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for mild/implied transphobia!
> 
> This chapter is way longer than planned, but I really hope I did a good job on this. There was just so much I wanted to fit in here and I'd really appreciate if you'd let me know if it was too long or not :)

"What is all this shit?" Alex asked as he pulled a cardboard box to himself while sitting on the floor in his brother's room, one of James' old shirts thrown on and not even bothering to wear more than wide plaid shorts. It was so hot in James' room anyway. Alex tried not to move too much as he scanned all the stuff his brother hadn't finished unpacking; a lava lamp, small Christmas lights (whatever he needed those for, anyway) and a few Playstation games.

"Uh." James looked over from where he was folding t-shirts on the bed and frowned as Alex held up two games he had picked out. "I don't know. Guess I won't need those."

"Really?"

"Yeah, and I need my books. Have you found them?" James turned around to watch Alex place the Christmas lights around his neck and laughed. "You look five sitting there like that."

Alex pouted and threw an empty cartridge at his brothers head – and missed spectacularly. It sailed to the floor a few feet from James. "Well, you look like an asshole who's leaving me alone in a house full of people I don't want to be around."

"I'll tell mum you said that," James threatened before stuffing another shirt in his duffle bag.

"Eh." Alex shrugged, then continued looking for the books his brother had requested. "Still – why can't you go to college in town?"

"I was accepted in South Carolina. We've been over this," James sighed. He dropped the shirt he was holding and turned around to face Alex. "I can't just stay here and babysit you because you won't talk more than five words with John and refuse to look at Henry. He's not that bad, you know. What's your deal, anyway?"

Alex mimicked his brother's frown. "What do you mean?"

"You usually never shut up."

"Not true!" This time around, the pout was a bit more sincere. "I just don't like John. Have you met the guy? He's super obnoxious and so … so _friendly_. Nobody is _that nice _to strangers. And if I yell at them all day, mum would get mad. And his dad."

That made James hum in a way Alex couldn't quite place. There was a lot of things he didn't know about James' way of expressing himself, just like it was the other way around. Maybe because they hadn't spent much time with each other as kids, always getting on their nerves. It was only after their dad had basically vanished into thin air they had started getting along, and now it felt kind of weird to ask him about the way he said some things or stuff like that.

"Where's the game, anyway?" Alex pointed to the empty cartridge still lying on the floor.

James gestured to the rest of the unopened boxes sitting in a corner next to his closet. "Somewhere in there. If you find the Playstation, you can keep it. Set it up in the living room or whatever, I can't take it with me anyway."

Alex watched him fold the same shirt for the third time before getting tired and standing up to stretch. And to go look for the Playstation. Maybe he would find the books along the way and his brother would be a bit less of a nervous wreck than he had been for the past three weeks or so. It wasn't even funny to watch anymore and he had been done teasing James after day two or three when James ran into his room because of some sort of … anxiety or whatever their mum had called it. She took stuff like that super seriously because of what had happened to their cousin. Henry, on the other hand, wasn't super helpful. He'd drive James to college, but as far as he was concerned, that wasn't his son. Not that Alex had exchanged many words with him or seen him talk much to John, either.

"It's gonna be alright," James spoke up as Alex had his head in another box. "You'll get used to them. Hell, maybe you'll have fun at school with John, too."

"Have you seen Yorktown High? It's a fucking private high school and they wear uniforms! Get that in your head – _uniforms_! How am I supposed to have fun when I'm strangled by some ugly tie!"

James snorted. "At least you'll look decent when you die."

Watching him scramble to finish packing before Henry burst into his room and told him to get going wasn't fun, but at least Alex could say he hadn't been a complete waste of space that afternoon. He even helped getting the two large boxes down in the car before shoving his hands in his pockets and looking around. The street was peaceful as ever, not even a single car out in the midday heat and yet here he was hugging his brother goodbye.

"We're picking your uniforms up on our way back," his mum said and smiled, even though Alex could tell she was sad, too. She'd probably miss James the most, even. "Don't wait up, though, it could be late." With that, she quickly kissed Alex on the cheek.

"I'm ready, don't leave without me!" Alex turned around just in time to watch John scramble for the door frame with one hand while jumping around and trying to get a shoe on with the other.

Alex blinked a few times, speechless as to how incompetent yet cute it looked when John fumbled with something. "You're going with them?" He couldn't help but ask. Nobody had asked _him_. In fact, Henry had made it perfectly clear he wasn't having more people than necessary in his car.

"Nah, they're dropping me off at the mall." John's smile was so wide and cute. "Wanna come? Laf and Herc won't stop asking about you."

It took so much willpower to look away, but somehow Alex managed to do it. "I'll pass."

"We don't have all day," Henry chimed in, tapping his foot and gesturing at his son to get into the car.

Alex would have loved to say the goodbye was tearful, instead he hugged James quickly and wished him fun and told him to call as soon as he was all set up. Then James got into the backseat next to John and a minute later, the car was out on the street and got smaller and smaller as Alex watched.

A weird knot formed in his stomach. He hadn't been apart from his big brother for more than a week and to think it would be months before he was home again and there wasn't enough to do to cope with that. So Alex did the next best thing; he got the Christmas lights out of James' room and put them up over the bed in his. Alex supposed they looked a bit girly, but nobody came into his room to judge him. It made his room friendlier, too. His desk, bed and closet were all made of the same light wood and the wooden floor was already barely visible because of all the clothes and pages torn from his notebook, plus more than a few books which didn't fit into his bookshelf, but it didn't feel like _home_ yet. The lights helped at least a little and made him smile softly.

Setting up the Playstation took far longer in comparison, and he wasn't finished until John came back home a few hours later, only to find Alex in a heap of cables on the living room floor, holding a rather old Playstation and turning it over to find the slots for the cables. Now it was his turn to look completely incompetent and it made Alex' cheeks burn with embarrassment. At least John's face looked flushed, too, and with that striped tank top and all the freckles on his bare shoulders and the ripped jeans he looked still pretty cute. And kind of hot, Alex unfortunately had to add.

"Is that _Soul Calibur_?" John exclaimed, completely ignoring the mess and racing over to the coffee table to check out the games Alex had brought downstairs, too. "Aw, that's so cool, I haven't played in ages – where'd you get those?" He blinked a few times and Alex could swear he had to control himself not to laugh too loudly. "Uh – do you need help?"

"Does it look like I do?" Alex snapped, red-faced and not ready to meet John's eyes yet.

"Yeah," came the deadpanned answer without hesitation.

For a few seconds he contemplated yelling at John, but he hadn't forgotten the truce they had formed in the middle of summer break. So Alex had to admit defeat and watched in awe as John didn't even take five minutes to entangle the cable mess. It was situations like these that made him feel like he wouldn't survive for more than a week on his own. Alex hated it, and now he didn't even have James to rely on anymore. Instead he was stuck with an excited and way too cute for his own good John, going on and on about how he loved _Soul Calibur_ and had spent countless hours playing at Hercules' house.

"Your mum gave me a few bucks so we can order dinner," John strayed from the topic while crawling behind the TV setup. "How do you feel about pizza?"

Maybe Alex should be grateful John didn't make him feel awkward, and instead talked to him like a normal human being. But the lump in his throat wouldn't let him reply; instead his eyes were fixated on that spot on John's stomach where his top rode up as he bent over to get some cables into the TV. "Yeah, fine," he managed after a few seconds, just as the silence threatened to become awkward.

"Awesome! Wanna go a round after ordering?" With a big smile on his face, John turned around and pointed at the game he had been gushing over earlier.

It felt awkward at first, sitting next to John close enough so Alex could reach out and touch him, untangle the messy hair or put the strap of his top back on his shoulder or– he stopped his thoughts right there. Alex' hands got sweaty enough he worried about not being able to hold the controller at first and his heart pounded so fast he was glad the sound from the game drowned the whole living room or else John would probably hear it.

But after a while, he found himself relaxing. Sinking into the cushions and grinning at John as he won for the third time in a row. "You sure you played it as often as you claim?"

John punched him in the arm. Light enough to not actually hurt him, but Alex still yelped. "Just you wait – I'll mop the floor with you!"

"Ha, I'd like to see you try."

John raised an eyebrow at him and was silent for a few seconds. Then his skeptical expression gave way too a soft smile. Alex wondered at how beautiful it looked for a second, and then why John was smiling all of a sudden before it hit him – that wasn't only the longest time they'd been in a room together, but he actually … had fun. Biting his lower lip, Alex pushed his shoulder against John's.

"Ready for another loss?"

That seemed to get John out of his thoughts and the smile became a grin. "You wish."

It was pretty late that night when his mum and Henry came back home to find two exhausted boys on the couch, John sprawled out and Alex curled up in a corner next to his head, empty pizza cartons on the table and the TV in standby mode. Neither of them heard Henry complain about the mess as Rachel draped blankets over them.

*

"Muuum!"

John frowned as he stepped back into the living room after feeding the turtle he had gotten last summer, which now had a wonderful place in the backyard to run around and have fun while he was away. He watched as Alex turned the corner and came sliding on his socks into the living room, shirt only halfway buttoned and his tie loosely draped around his neck. How John managed not to laugh was a mystery; he was already in his uniform – plaid tie, dark blue pants and the matching blazer carefully draped across his chair –, hair tied carefully, and poured himself a cup of coffee after sliding in the seat next to Rachel.

His dad sat at the end of the table, buried deep into his newspaper and not even looking up to see the mess his soon-to-be step-son was. "What's up, honey?" Rachel asked before matching John's frown. "You're already late and not even ready to go out?"

"He stole my last hair tie," Alex accused John right this second and pointed.

"Did not!" John wiped a few crumbs from his cheeks. "That's _my_ last! It was with _my_ stuff in the bathroom!"

"You should both get a haircut," his dad mumbled and put the newspaper down long enough to get a sip of his coffee.

"I can't go to school looking like this!"

He watched Alex fumble with his uniform and shoot him evil looks, which was funny enough on it's own. The long strands of dark brown hair falling over his shoulders and partially hiding his face made him look cute enough for John to avert his eyes, tho. He didn't need these kind of thoughts with his dad sitting on the same table.

"You can have mine." Rachel smiled at her son, pointing to the orange plaid bandana-looking tie.

"No way." Alex shook his head. "I look stupid enough as it is! Dresscode is ridiculous and this shit," he gestured at his uniform, "doesn't even look good on me."

"Fine. Just – stop bitching, it's way too early for that." John pulled the tie out of his hair and threw it at Alex before turning to Rachel. "Could I have yours, please? I'll get new hair ties after school, promise."

"Of course, dear." She had him turn around and carefully combed through his thick curls with her fingers before pulling them back and tying them up neatly.

John held still and stared at the wall, trying not to remember what it felt like when his own mom had done this a few years back. Before she moved out. Rachel was just as careful and constantly asked if she hurt him, if the ponytail wasn't too tight or if he felt some curls got stuck where they weren't supposed to be. John bit his lower lip. "Thanks," he managed after she had finished, his voice sounding strange to his own ears.

"And you," Rachel sighed, turning back to face Alex, "look like a mess, dear."

Alex turned bright red in an instant. He fumbled to at least get his glasses straight and pull his hair back into a bun. "Better?"

John raised an eyebrow. "Not even close. Let me get that, or we'll be late."

Just like he had when Rachel had touched his hair, Alex practically froze on the spot as John rounded the dining table to stand in front of him. "Did you get dressed in the dark?" he couldn't help but asking after buttoning his shirt the right way and taking a step back. "Do your tie and get your jacket on, we have to leave."

"Let's just go," Alex mumbled.

"Fine."

It was still weird to be so close to Alex and not fight with him. Apart from their afternoon of Playstation games and pizza, they hadn't talked much, as Alex preferred to stay in his room and John went out every chance he got. When John took a step back, he finally managed to relax again. "Grab your stuff, we'll pick up Herc and Laf on our way."

Alex grumbled something before grabbing his usual to-go mug – this time not placed on the highest shelf John could find – and filled it up before following John to his car. He seemed uncomfortable even as they got in. "Is the tie really mandatory?"

"Yeah, why?" John frowned as he watched Alex chew on his bottom lip for a few seconds. "Don't you know how to bind it?"

Alex shook his head. John tried really hard to keep his hands from shaking as he leaned over and tied it for the other boy. He was close enough to smell the shampoo Alex used and it kind of made John want to pull him close and just … hold him. But he stopped himself and banned all thoughts leading down that road from his brain.

"T-thanks."

"Yeah." John missed the keyhole three times trying to regain control over his body and was glad Alex decided not to point it out.

Herc and Laf were a welcome distraction, the former bringing a batch of cookies still warm and smelling absolutely delicious. "Back-to-school gift," he explained while happily munching on one. "You get one, too, even though you're in my seat."

"Get in the car before me, then," Alex grumbled while still nipping on his coffee.

"And here I thought Jefferson was the worst we'd have to put up with today. Or Burr."

"I bet Lee's in a worse mood," John mused.

"Right." Hercules sighed loud and dramatically draped himself over the backseats, including Laf. "I cannot deal with this today." John raised an eyebrow as he briefly watched this scene in the back mirror, then looked back on the street.

"Your classmates?" Laf guessed, which made him remember that him and Alex didn't know the people he and Herc had to endure for two more years now.

"Yeah, they're … well, you'll see soon." John shrugged, not really sure how to describe them. Herc and him had hours to fill with complaints about the idiots who had decided to ruin their first year of high school, and probably wouldn't stop now.

The parking lot was already crawling with students as they arrived and Charles Lee was, in fact, one of the students standing in the way of other people trying to park. Madison was with him, idly chatting and probably waiting for their friends, until they noticed John and the others get out of the car and grab their bags a few feet from them.

"Yo, Laurens!" He heard Lee yell – as did the whole parking lot. "You and Alice made some new friends?"

Hercules went completely still next to him, which made John immediately take a few steps in their direction until Herc grabbed his arm. "Don't," he warned with a low voice. "He just wants to make you punch him."

"His name's Hercules." John marveled at how calm he sounded, despite knowing what trouble Herc had gone through with coming out and all the bullying last year.

"Yo, asshat," Alex retorted right this second, crossing his arms in front of his chest. "Are you blind or stupid?"

Lee raised an eyebrow. "Neither."

"Then shut your mouth and call people by their names!"

For a second, John wondered if Alex even knew that Hercules wasn't his birth name. He couldn't, right? But he was distracted by Lafayette laying their arms around John and Alex' shoulders. "Let's just go inside and show me this school of yours," they asked, maintaining a smile but their eyes screamed murder as the group passed Lee.

"Yeah, run away with your little girlfriend," Lee yelled after them. "Better get a leash for it!"

It was only then that John noticed Alex had managed to free himself of Laf's arm and turned around to Lee. Instead he was well on his way to Lee, looking as angry as he usually did after starting an argument with John. "Shit," Laf mumbled and caught Alex' arm again. "You can't go around starting fights on your first day of school, Alex."

"Why not?" The other boy turned to him, fury clearly written all over his face. "He can't just go around insulting people." Pointing at Lee probably didn't help, either.

John desperately wanted to punch the guy in the face, too. But he knew the consequences of doing that on school ground, and he could do without getting expelled. His dad wouldn't be as easy an enemy as Lee, he knew that already.

"C'mon, we'll be late on our first day." How Herc managed to sound this calm was a miracle on it's own.

Luckily, Alex didn't put up much of a fight as John and Laf pulled him away from the group of other boys and towards the tall, white painted building. "What's his problem, anyway?"

"He's an idiot." John didn't offer another explanation and Hercules didn't explain the business they had with Lee, either. That probably wasn't enough to get Alex to understand what kind of relationship they had or why, but John couldn't say more without intruding in his best friend's personal business – which was absolutely not his place to share.

Getting Alex not to pick fights proved to be much more of an issue than John would have ever anticipated, not only because he was on the verge of punching Lee's teeth in himself. History was first, with headmaster Washington as their teacher. John liked him, even though he was pretty strict. But his judgment usually was fair and just and he knew so much about history they barely needed the textbook to read up on the topics the test covered if one took notes throughout the class.

With History came Jefferson and Madison, though – two guys basically joint at the hip and opinions which rarely differed even a little. Even John could see the unadulterated loathing in Alex' eyes as he started picking arguments with them over every single fact in this lesson.

"You can't run a country without a tax system," Alex tried to argue just now, almost jumping out of his seat.

John watched from the back of the room, shaking his head and then getting back to doodling in his notebook. A folded paper landed on his desk. Frowning, he fiddled with it until he could read _this is gonna be a fun year_ in Herc's handwriting.

"So all the funds can go to the military," Jefferson retorted, his smug face making it clear he had probably thought his argument at least half through. "I don't see why we need taxes if they're only used to fighting wars!"

"Exactly," Madison chimed in. "They're useless!"

Alex huffed. John could barely catch up with his words as he explained what exactly taxes were used for, standing up and pointing at Jefferson once in a while, both literally and through thinly veiled insults.

"He's right, tho," John chimed in. "We need the tax system to –"

"We _don't_ need it," Jefferson interrupted him, standing up like Alex was now and Madison following suit. "It's a waste of –"

"Cut it out," Washington warned, his deep voice cutting through all the words and even people who hadn't paid attention in class sat more upright now. "I'll have the four of you in detention if you don't calm down immediately!"

Their headmaster wasn't one to joke around, and Alex would find that out soon enough if he kept up this attitude. John wouldn't want to get on Washington's bad side – his good one was scary enough sometimes. Still, even if he was imposing and looked serious all the time, he was kind of John's favorite teacher.

"He started it," Alex pouted, slumping into his seat next to Lafayette.

Locking eyes with his best friend across the room, John grinned. Assigned seating had never stopped them from talking in one way or another, after all, and he couldn't help be happy about another person who shared his opinions fighting back against Jefferson and Madison. He grabbed his pen and wrote back, _school just got a lot funnier_.

*

"Why is this school full of brick-headed idiots?" Alex complained after sliding into a seat next to John at lunch. Should he keep his distance? Probably. Was his need to vent greater? Absolutely.

But the truth was, he either didn't get along with the other students – like Jefferson and Madison – or they ignored him – like Aaron. And John was fun to discuss topics with during lessons, just like Lafayette and Hercules were somehow very calming presences. As much as Alex didn't want to admit it, another reason was that he knew next to nobody else in this school, and he didn't really want to feel lonely. So his best chances were to bother John and hope he didn't send him away, even though Alex hadn't been that nice to him over the past months.

"Excuse me?" John raised an eyebrow at him just now.

"You got mustard right there," Alex pointed to his chin, not even bothering to dig into his own lunch. Also, looking at John was another nice perk, he guessed, even though he had to restrain himself not to reach out and touch him. The cafeteria was full of people and as loud as one could expect on the first day back to school, but that had never stopped Alex from talking himself. "And I don't mean you, obviously – you're _just_ brick-headed. But first this Lee guy, then Jefferson and Madison. I mean, public school wasn't great, but this is …"

"Horror," Lafayette finished the sentence for him.

"Correct," Alex pointed. "He's right."

"They."

"Huh?"

"I don't like being a he or she," Lafayette explained with a half shrug. "The school makes me wear the boy's uniform, but that's not who – or what – I am. So … they."

For a second, Alex frowned. Not because of the way Lafayette identified, but with which ease he – no, they did it. As if it were completely normal! Of course there wasn't anything wrong with this, Alex only wished it was that easy for him, too. "Fine," he only said, though, not wanting to deal with his own jealousy right now. And his blood was still boiling, after all.

"But yeah, school in France was … way different, too." Laf talked even though the turkey sandwich they ate was clearly visible that way, and a little disgusting. "Or we were just lucky not to have a Jefferson or Lee in our class."

John offered nothing but a shrug, and Hercules seemed to far away in his thoughts to offer a real opinion. "C'mon, say something! Complaining to thin air isn't fun," Alex moaned, folding his arms on the metal table and resting his chin on them.

"Never stops you at home," he heard John mutter, which absolutely warranted the kick to his shin under the table. "Hey! I'll tell your mom!"

Alex rolled his eyes. "Yeah, you do that. And then you can braid each other's hair and have a girl talk."

"Jeez, calm down," Hercules interjected. He looked exhausted. "I've had enough fighting for the day – get out or shut up, okay? Please."

Alex turned away from them and rested his head properly on his arms. It was bad enough that he couldn't go back to his old school, but with James gone and stuck with the only boys who hadn't been idiots today, he really didn't know what to do with himself. John and Hercules didn't seem to mind all the fights, they were probably used to it. And Lafayette didn't seem as stressed as Alex felt, either. How he would survive two years in this hellhole was an absolute mystery.

*

John felt the tension almost completely wash away after finally coming home. Sure, the teachers didn't joke around when it came to homework, but one more fight and he'd have snapped and personally yelled at Alex for being so obnoxious – and then probably joined him.

Rachel looked surprised, but smiled brightly as John and Alex joined her in the kitchen. They mumbled their hello's while Alex' first mission seemed to make himself drown in caffeine and John raided the fridge.

"So? First day back to school – how was it?" Rachel leaned against the counter where she had been preparing food, probably for dinner in a few hours, and smiled at them.

"It was …" John frowned, exchanging a look with Alex who shook his head so light it was almost unnoticeable. Silently they decided to tone it down a _lot_. "… okay. Right?"

"Better than expected," Alex agreed, not meeting his mom's eyes.

"He fits right in." John ignored the sharp look Alex shot him.

He was used to lying to his dad constantly, even about small stuff, so he didn't see the issue in keeping a few minor issues they'd had from Rachel. Alex on the other hand ran off to his room as soon as his coffee was ready. But if that was because of him basically lying to his mom or because he wanted to be left alone for the day, John really couldn't tell.


	4. Ties That Bind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I almost didn't finish the chapter on time because of my job, but I made it! Maybe there'll be a small delay in the next one because I'm currently figuring out how to put everything together, but I promise it'll come next week!

Alex set the laptop on his bed when the call came in via Discord. After struggling to find his headset for a few seconds, he answered and was immediately greeted with Ned's smile. "You're actually on time today, Alex."

"Yeah, we got back early." Alex was fond of his bluetooth headset, which gave him enough range to go look for the die he must have put somewhere, anywhere in his new room. "How's school without me?"

"Boring. Nobody to answer for me." Ned sighed theatrically and when Alex turned around to look at the screen, his best friend actually looked sad.

Alex missed their little game, too; when the teachers hadn't been looking during role call, Alex sometimes had answered to 'Edward Stevens', which most people hadn't found as funny as the two very alike looking boys, snickering behind held up hands. For some years, before he had gotten closer to James, and even now he looked at Ned like a brother more than a friend. They had only started to look more like separate people this summer, too, since Ned had decided to get an undercut and keep the rest of his brown hair pretty short, too.

"What about you?" Ned asked as soon as Alex settled in front of his bed and pulled the laptop closer to himself.

What was there to say, really? The past two days had been stressful and Alex didn't know how he would manage two years of high school like that; alone, without his friends, and dealing with people constantly fighting. "I don't want to talk about it," he decided then, because he really _didn't_.

"That bad, huh?"

"Definitely." Before Alex could say anything else, another window opened, pushing Ned a little to the side to show Peggy's bright smile. Her hair was held back by a yellow headband and she was so close to the camera, Alex feared she could crawl out of it for a second.

"My boys!" She clapped her hands.

Alex managed a soft smile. "Pegs," he greeted her as Ned waved at the camera. "How are you holding up?"

"I miss you!" She rested her face on both hands. "We both do. Hey – get out of the way for a bit." Alex followed the waving of her hand, but still managed to watch her get even closer and frown. "Is that the Yorktown uniform?"

Alex turned his head, seeing the uniform hang on the door, then turned back to Peggy. "Yeah, how do you know it?"

"My sisters go to that school," Peggy explained, finally leaning back. "Eliza and Angelica. Have you met them? Pretty sure Eliza's our year."

"Uh." Alex had met a lot of people during the past two days, a few girls among them. But he couldn't remember their names, and if there was anyone bearing a resemblance to Peggy, it must have escaped him. "I don't know?"

"Wait – you chose a public school over a private one?" Ned frowned at her. "I thought you just didn't want anything to do with your family."

"Nah." Peggy waved her hand again. "I didn't want to go there because it was so sexist. Angelica went first and wouldn't stop complaining for _weeks_. Actually, she's still complaining now. And from what they tell me, I could have never come out there. So daddy sent me to a school a town away, so people wouldn't know my family and I wasn't the 'rich girl' or whatever. And most importantly, I don't have to wear a skirt every day just because of what's between my legs!" She shrugged, obviously not minding too much. Peggy was a force of nature and a year younger than them, but her grades still held up while she went to the same classes Ned and Alex did.

"There's a trans kid and a nonbinary kid in my class," Alex told her, accompanying it with a sigh.

Peggy raised her eyebrows. "They're out?"

"Yeah." Alex nodded. "I don't know how they deal with the hate. They make it look so easy."

Ned shook his head. "Alexander holding back with his opinions – that's a first. Why did you listen to your mom, anyways? If you'd have yelled at her like you do, she'd have let you go to our school."

"Pretty sure it wasn't her idea, but she fully supports it." Alex shrugged. "Mum said this school was better, and without a car it's a pretty long ride. The house is in the middle of nowhere. They even make me go to school with John every day!"

"The worst." Peggy rolled her eyes. "Spending time with your crush."

"Yeah." Ned sighed. "Being forced to sit in a car with a hot guy. Your worst nightmare."

Sometimes, Alex wanted to strangle them both. They weren't helpful with his non-existent love life and even though he wouldn't have it any other way, his friends certainly made him be glad about using headphones – especially when they started yelling stuff like this. He didn't want John to come barging into his room because Alex' volume matched his on the nights he decided to sing.

Another window popped up and another pretty girl showed her grin. "Maria!" Peggy squealed and waved both hands.

Maria Reynolds looked a little like Peggy, and Alex didn't know for how long he'd had to endure their ramblings about 'impossible to tame' hair or skin complexion now, but he didn't mind the girls talking. And it was nice to see Maria's face again. "Boarding school _sucks_," were her first words, pouting at her camera. "They told me I couldn't wear any make-up. They're crazy!"

"Sounds like we're planning jailbreak," Ned remarked, then held up a few sheets of paper. "Later, though. Can we get started now?"

"Definitely!" Maria nodded. "You left us hanging last time, Alex. You can't do that!"

That was when Alex couldn't help his grin anymore. "Don't you like cliffhangers?"

"Hate them!" Peggy threw one of her die at the screen. "You're the worst DM ever."

"I'll try my best to kill you this session if you don't stop complaining!"

Alex settled down, resting one arm on the bed. At least their DND sessions were something to look forward to, even if they didn't happen as much as he'd like. It was a great way to relax and talk to people who actually understood what he went through, because they all were more or less in the same boat. Even though the only remaining members of their group at school were Ned and Peggy.

*

*

John raised his head and let the sun shine on his face as he sat next to Leonardo in the garden. A light breeze constantly tried to move and mess up his hair and if he sat in the shade, it probably would have been a little colder. But right here next to his turtle wandering around and his two friends lying in the grass next to him, the day was nice and sunny; hopefully not the last of warm September days this year. Alex was busy yelling in his room downstairs, something about "you're dead if you don't roll a constitution save" or whatever was going on. Honestly, John almost didn't care anymore.

Almost. Because the cold, hard truth was that he still wanted to get to know Alex better and spend time with him. Maybe even get his green-and-white striped shirt back he'd seen the other boy wearing. John must have left it on the floor somewhere, and the floor was free game for someone wearing shirts about the same size as him, Alex had explained before disappearing in his room. Damn that stupid guy and his ability to look cute in pretty much anything!

"So," Herc said, not bothering to open his eyes or even look up from where he laid in the grass next to John. "What's Alex' deal, anyway?"

Laf rolled over on their stomach, crossing arms in the grass and looking up at Herc. "Which of your thousand trains of thoughts lead you up to that question, mon ami?"

"Eh, you know." Herc waved a hand around. "Nothing specific; mostly just John's crush on the guy."

That comment made John blush and Lafayette laugh. "Right, right. Alex must have noticed it! I mean you –"

John interrupted them by swaying his hands at his so-called friends. "Shut up!" He sighed, dropping in the grass next to Herc and watching his turtle happily run around the garden. Well, at least Leonardo didn't have to worry about this kind of stuff. "I hate you both."

Laf still wasn't finished laughing, and even Herc grinned. He actually managed to open an eye, his expression a little more serious just a moment later. "But seriously," he said. "You're not exactly subtle. That guy must be _dense_."

"And I'm happy about that." John turned, halfway lying on Herc now and one arm outstretched so his fingertips brushed the grass on the other side of Herc's body. "He hates me enough as it is."

John only looked up again as Laf snorted. "Yeah, I don't think so."

"Huh?"

"Hey Laurens," Alex interrupted their conversation, standing on the porch and waving at them. "Come in, mum says dinner's almost ready!"

John didn't want to think about if he was glad for the interruption or not. Did he really want to hear Laf's opinion on this? They knew him and Alex for a relatively short time, but their gut feeling regarding other humans seemed to be on point. John pushed himself up on his arms.

"Wanna stay?" John asked his friends, not even bothering to get up all the way. Rachel's 'almost' usually meant they still had 15 minutes to kill.

"We don't want to embarrass you in front of your crush." Herc grinned at him and didn't get out of the way in time as John swatted at his arm. "Do we?"

"Nah," Laf shook their head. "I can't watch dense boys for too long."

"Shut up, man!"

Yeah, no. John didn't see how Alex not even coming close to talk to them like a normal person was him liking him. He even had taken to calling John by his last name! And refused to spend more time with him than was absolutely necessary. "Come on, Leo, time to get back into your enclosure," he told his turtle instead of thinking this over until his stomach turned into a massive knot that wouldn't let him think straight – well, as straight as a gay guy could think, anyways.

*

Dinner was weird, to say the least. Not only was Alex absolutely not hungry, he just didn't understand the point of a family dinner when they were everything _but_ a family. Henry was working half the time he even chose to sit at the same table as them, John poked his vegetables constantly while barely eating at all and Alex was under the impression his mum's attempts at small talk were cringey at best.

"So, are there any clubs you'd like to join?" She wanted to know, looking at Alex and John. "Your school must have them, I read up on it."

"Not really." Today, even Alex kept poking his food, wanting to be done and be able to get back to writing his English paper he'd started after today's DND session.

"What about you?"

John bit his lip. He looked clearly uncomfortable, but Alex couldn't put his finger on why. Until Henry spoke up without even waiting for his son's answer. Maybe because he didn't even see John fidgeting behind his newspaper. "Rugby again?"

Alex frowned, but a sharp pain in his leg made him hiss under his breath and close his mouth again. He realized John had kicked him under the table, which justified the indignant frown Alex shot him.

"Yeah," John said at the same time, nodding and apparently ignoring Alex. "Rugby."

"That's wonderful!" His mum practically beamed. "Rugby players used to be _so_ popular during my high school years. Are you?"

"Uh."

_Yeah, John, are you?_ Alex wanted to ask, but since he didn't know the first thing about _why_ John lied, he couldn't very well out him and look smug at the same time. More than that, Alex was confused. He didn't see the need to lie about this, and that's what John clearly did. His dad probably was able to differentiate Rugby and theater club.

"Maybe you're not hopeless after all," Henry said, and Alex frowned at that, too. It sounded like a thinly veiled insult and John didn't even look at the man.

"Guess so."

"Honey, John's not hopeless," his mum defended him. "He's just a bit sensitive, but lots of boys are like that, especially when they're young."

Henry raised an eyebrow and actually looked up. "We weren't."

That made his mum scoff. "Times change, Henry. Cut your son some slack."

John looked like he'd rather be anywhere but here and honestly, Alex started to feel the same. It was uncomfortable to watch these two adults argue, and he couldn't say why. Which bugged him more than he'd like to admit. Instead, he chose the path of least resistance.

"Can I get up?" Alex chimed in, shoving the plate away from him.

"Me too?" John looked up; it was almost hopeful.

Alex' mum frowned at them both, then to their plates which were half-empty at best. After a moment, she waved at them. "But you put the leftovers in the Tupperware and load the dishwasher before you go downstairs. And don't forget your homework!"

"Muuum," Alex sighed. Nonetheless, he and John did as they were told.

Instead of finally being able to settle on his homework, Alex only managed to get down the stairs before John grabbed his arm. A moment later, he pulled Alex into his room, shutting the door behind him and sighing deeply. Which was all the same to Alex, because he had questions. And a lot of them. He barely took in the room; the cream colored walls, the blue striped bedclothes – _was there anything not striped about John_, he wondered.

"What the fuck was going on just now?" Alex then asked, pointing upstairs so it was clear he meant the super awkward dinner conversation. That was a much safer topic to think about than why this room smelled like paint and fresh grass, or to focus too much on what clothes were strewn all over the floor, or how cute John looked with his cheeks flushed, clearly embarrassed. "Why did you lie to my mum?" He didn't much care for Henry, but his mum definitely didn't deserve this kind of treatment.

John held up both hands. "You absolutely cannot tell anyone that I'm in the theater club, okay?" He asked. "Please! If my dad finds out, I'm done. Best case scenario, he'll disown me."

"Why?" Alex couldn't help but get the feeling John was exaggerating. He seemed so earnest, though. Like he actually believed what he'd done was just and necessary.

It didn't help that the other boy fiddled with the answer, grabbing the hem of his shirt and rubbing it between his fingers. "He … well, he thinks theater club is gay and no man with an ounce of self-respect would join it."

"What? That's stupid."

John scoffed. "Yeah, tell him that." He looked at Alex at last, his eyes practically pleading to understand and cut him some slack. "Anyways, you can't tell my dad or your mum. Promise me!"

"But … aside from the fact that I've never lied to my mum and I don't plan on starting now," Alex held up both hands, "you do realize she'll want to come to your 'games', right?"

"What? Why would she do that?!"

"Because she's the best." Until now, Alex had been under the impression that most parents – not counting his own dad, obviously – were interested in their children. "Can't you just tell her and ask her not to tell your dad?"

John shook his head almost immediately. "She doesn't know me! Why would she do that?"

Confession time: Alex hated to admit the following statement. He greatly resented knowing this, having been told this, and actually agreeing with this – not that he'd tell John the last bit, but: "She likes you."

John went silent after that, turning his back to Alex. Damn, even his back looked good, even though his shoulders were slumped and he looked kind of … defeated. For just a second, Alex wished to know what was going on in this boy's head. Why he looked so sad as he went to sit down on his bed, face in both hands.

Alex didn't know what to do, but he couldn't just leave, right? He didn't want John to look sad, so he gingerly went over and sat down next to him, still enough space between them so they weren't touching. Alex couldn't put his finger on why he wanted to make John feel better, but he really _did_. Nobody should look like this, especially if it was because of the thought of telling the truth.

And after all, John was the nicest person he'd met. Even Ned had his bad sides and lashed out when he was angry, another trait he shared with Alex. But John always seemed so genuinely nice to everyone and smiled and was happy, even if Jefferson had insulted him just a minute earlier. So Alex reached out to touch his shoulder.

John flinched, pulling away immediately. Why this made Alex' stomach turn and his skin get cold, he couldn't say, either. He wanted to touch John, maybe even comfort him. But he pulled himself together and instead put both hands in his lap. "Sorry," he managed to mumble.

"No, it's … it's fine." When John finally looked back up at him, he looked like he wanted to cry. Still, there was a small smile on his lips, as if everything was alright. "I'm the one who should be sorry. I'm being stupid."

Alex didn't know what to believe anymore, so he stood up. "Don't lie to my mum," he said before leaving this room.

His heart pounded and he felt like he couldn't breathe anymore. What was _wrong_ with this guy? Why was he so … sad? And if he was, why did he smile anyway? Alex shook his head, deciding that he'd probably never understand John. After all, they knew next to nothing about each other and it was only a matter of time until they were done with high school and could go to colleges at the other end of America. Which really shouldn't make him feel like this, everything about being here, was a missed opportunity.

There was something about John that made him want to stay close and make sure he was as okay and fine as he always claimed. Alex couldn't shake the feeling that something was very, very wrong. But since he was the one constantly pushing himself away from everyone who tried to be nice to him, he felt like he didn't have any right to inquire. That didn't make his worries go away, though.


	5. Fighting for Peace

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so this is a pretty long one again. With this chapter, I've now introduced everything I want this story to be about and am starting to move the story forward, so that's pretty much what you can expect from future chapters.
> 
> I'm also highly insecure about this chapter at the same time, so please let me know if I did a good job!

Even though John was pretty good at math, he still struggled with the different time zones. But Google had told him it was fine to call now and not wake everybody up, so he pressed dial on the landline, walking out the living room to sit on the back porch of the still quiet house. He pressed his back to the wall and put his knees up to the chest, hugging them tightly with one arm. With only a top and pajama pants, it was still a little cold outside this early, but at least he could watch the sun crawl up over the horizon, bathing the garden in golden light while a light breeze moved the grass and still green trees behind the garden.

September was almost over and he still didn't know how he made it almost a month into the school year without a fight or a breakdown. Usually it wasn't this good, but he wouldn't complain. Though John felt his chest tighten with every _beep_ from the phone while he waited for someone to pick up.

"John?" A small, girlish voice suddenly asked, barely noticeable.

John's heart jumped. "Martha?" He asked back, his voice equally low. The word almost didn't make it out of his suddenly dry and tight throat. "That you?"

"John," his little sister breathed. "Wait, lemme find something quiet."

He heard rustling and the shuffling of naked feet on a wooden floor on the other end of the line. It had been so long since he could actually talk to his sister. Too long.

After the soft click of a door, Martha apparently picked up the phone again. "John. It's so good to hear you!"

"You too." John felt his eyes burn and closed them tightly before taking a deep breath. "Happy Birthday, baby girl."

Martha sniffled. "Thank you."

"How are you?"

"Eh." There was a short pause. "Holding up alright. It's not that bad here, just … lonely. You know."

"I know." John nodded, the weight of waking up every morning to a silent house for the past few months suddenly crushing down on his shoulders and chest. "I miss you."

"I sat on the phone since I came home." Martha giggled a little. "Uncle doesn't know I stole it from the kitchen. He's still at work, but the maid is running around, cleaning and stuff."

"And here I thought we were rich." John barked out a hollow laugh. "How are the little ones? They okay, too?"

"Mary's still not getting it, I think. And Henry and James … they're loud. They know why we're here, and they know you're not. Uncle has a pretty hard time keeping them under control." Martha giggled, just as John breathed out a faint laugh. Then her voice got quiet and serious again as she asked, "You're still coming to visit us, right? Eventually?"

"I will," John promised for the thousandth time or so. "I'll come as soon as I can. Maybe even for college."

"Good."

"John!" Alex' voice interrupted them both; John was sure Martha could hear it. He froze for a second, then shot up to look through the window, finding Alex' disheveled figure in the middle of the living room. His hands gripped the phone too tightly behind his back. "Hey! Have you seen my shirt?"

"Why don't you learn to pick up your stuff? I bet it's still in the dryer."

Alex frowned. "Why are you outside? It's freezing."

"If you don't get your shirt, it's mine." John really _didn't_ want to talk about why he was about five words from Martha short from crying. He ducked back on the porch as soon as Alex left, still frowning and mumbling something to himself. "Sorry. Dad … wants to remarry. That was my soon to be step-brother."

"Wha –?" Martha stopped, then her voice came back hollow and toneless. "There's better ways to break this kind of news to someone."

"Oh yeah?" John raised an eyebrow, even though his sister obviously couldn't see it. She knew him well enough to _hear_ it. "And how, pray tell, would my tactful and diplomatic sister tell me this?"

After a long silence, Martha sighed. "Okay, yeah, you're right."

John looked back up into the house. If Alex was awake, he didn't have much time left. The guy slept almost never and only woke up right when he could get ready in a rush; Rachel and his dad should come downstairs any minute now. "Look, I'm really sorry but I gotta go."

Another sigh. "Yeah, okay. I can't hide forever, either. Delete the number?"

"Always." John smiled a little, even though it felt wrong and sad. "You too?"

"Sure. Got it memorized."

"I'll call as soon as I can." The burning behind closed eyelids started again. "Love you."

"Love you too."

John pressed the phone close to his chest after ending the call. Calling his sister had been like this since last year, and he couldn't help but wonder how much longer it could go on like this before they both came to the conclusion it wasn't working. But John didn't want to give up on the rest of his family, even though his mom wasn't there anymore and his dad pretended there wasn't anyone else than John left. Even though his uncle did his best to support his brother and forbid any and all contact, taking Martha's phone away and shipping them off to England.

"Shit," John mumbled to himself and wiped his eyes dry before standing up again. He had to get ready for school.

*

Something was wrong with John. Alex couldn't put his finger on it, but ever since he'd seen the guy for the first time this morning, John seemed even sadder than usual. Which was a new record; Alex should probably start taking notes on John's sadness for when it got off the charts. Nonetheless, he worried. It was a weird feeling he definitely _wasn't_ accustomed to, but seeing John with red rims around his eyes and strained smiles that were obviously fake did something weird with his stomach. It clenched and all Alex wanted to do was reach out and comfort John.

Which was why he hurriedly shoved his textbook for social studies into his bag and practically rushed out the door. All thoughts of looking out for someone named Schuyler in his classes were gone. John and Hercules took biology instead, so he was left with Lafayette. They were good company, though; intelligent, unafraid to speak their mind and a good way for Alex to practice his French.

"Why are you running like this?" Lafayette asked as they caught up with him. "For such a small guy, you are very fast."

Alex frowned, looking up at Laf. "Yeah, well, not everyone can be a Big Foot."

Lafayette shot him a big smile. "Oh, you believe?"

"No, I'm just hungry. Come on." Which wasn't necessarily a lie, though that wasn't the only nor most important reason he rushed to the cafeteria. Still, he didn't see the need to tell Lafayette that he just wanted to see how John was doing.

Not too well, by the looks of it. John and Hercules were already at their usual table, but someone else was too and Alex wasn't happy to see them. Charles Lee stood on the other side, looking down on the boys while planting one foot on the bench Alex and Lafayette usually sat on. Thomas Jefferson and James Madison stood behind him, the latter holding a tissue to his nose as usual, talking with Aaron but obviously watching and aware of what was going down.

"_Mon dieu_, this is not good," Lafayette whispered, putting Alex' thoughts into words.

As they came closer, they could hear Lee over the other students talking and laughing loudly around them. "Why is it that you always hang out with girls, Laurens?" Charles leaned forward, a smirk on his lips.

"Hey, Lee!" Alex yelled, distracting the guy from John and Hercules, who both looked more than uncomfortable. And at least John seemed to be almost foaming at the mouth. "Don't you have anything better to do?"

"Oh look, Laurens, it's your little girlfriend," Lee sneered.

John stood up, face flushed so red it was hard to see his usually very prominent freckles, banging flat hands on the table. "Take that back!"

"Aww, why would I? Everyone knew you were a faggot all along." Even Jefferson and Madison raised their eyebrows at that.

"Don't do anything stupid!" Alex felt Lafayette grab him by his bag and pull him in the other direction, but he only let the bag fall from his shoulder as he ran the last few feet over to tackle Lee from the side.

Today he wasn't having any of it, and not just because John looked so sad. He was tired of being mocked by this guy, tired of having to endure this while Lafayette and Hercules always pulled them away before they could start a fight. Tired of not standing up for himself – and John. No matter how much Alex denied it in front of other people and even John himself, he still for some inexplicable reason cared for the guy. Maybe living together for a few months did that to you. And most of all, he didn't want to see this absolute hurt expression, hurriedly making way for something so neutral and blank one could think John didn't have any emotions at all. But his eyes betrayed him, always.

So Alex did the only reasonable thing and punched Lee square in the face. "He said take it back!" Alex spat in Lee's face before landing another punch.

Way too soon, Lee seemed to accustom to this situation and grabbed one of Alex' wrists, wrestling him down onto the cold hard linoleum floor. Alex grunted while struggling against the obviously taller and stronger boy, kicking his feet before stars exploded behind his eyes as Lee punched him, connecting the back of his head with the floor. Alex felt nauseous, his eyes watering from the dull pain.

Then the weight on top of him was gone. He turned his head to see John wrestling with Lee now. Rolling him onto his back and punching him where he could. Lee covered his face with one arm and tried to land another hit himself with the other. Anger washed over Alex in waves. how could he dare to want to hurt John?

Before Alex was on his feet, Jefferson stood in front of him, holding both hands out to hold Alex back. "That's none of your business."

"Like hell it is!" Alex jumped to his feet. He pushed a very surprised looking Jefferson, making him topple over John.

Alex cringed, pulling a face. He rushed towards John to check on him right as Lee got up enough to kick him in the side. John groaned and rolled over. Both of his hands covered the spot where Lee hit him. As he jumped Lee one more time, Alex was only faintly aware of what was going on around them; Lafayette and Hercules yelled at them, but he couldn't make out the words. Somewhere in the crowd that formed around them, he was pretty sure there was James doing the same thing.

Lee landed a hit with his palm right against his ear. In that moment, though, Alex didn't notice the pain. He also didn't care that Lee pushed him over. Lying on his side, Alex barely aimed as he kicked the Lee, hitting him square in the stomach. As Alex pushed himself up on both hands, he watched Jefferson and John roll around, trying to land a hit on each other.

Suddenly, Alex felt like he was going deaf. The sound of students around them cheering and talking loudly seemed to vanish in an instant, startling him enough to look around. The circle of people that had formed around them dispersed, leaving Lafayette standing around and still holding Alex' bag. Hercules and James, on the other hand, rushed over to them, kneeling next to John and Jefferson.

"What the hell, John?" Hercules exclaimed, shaking his head.

Then Alex saw Washington, striding through the cafeteria and directly followed by Aaron, pointing in their general direction. Now his stomach wasn't only queasy because of the pain. A cold wave rushed down Alex' back and he looked down on himself; his body hurt on various parts and his tie had come undone, lying on the floor next to him. The rest of his uniform definitely had seen better days, too. John gagged a few feet away from him, an arm square over his middle, but luckily he didn't puke yet. Jefferson and Lee pulled equally hurt faces. In short, they all were a mess.

"What's going on here?" Washington demanded to know in his deep voice, hands behind his back and looking down on the students sitting on the floor.

Alex wanted to shrink so small he could disappear, but nonetheless he pushed himself up so he could stand. A look to Aaron, who looked awfully pleased with himself, told him enough. "I don't know what you heard, sir, but Jefferson and Lee started it," Alex claimed.

"_You_ jumped _me_," Lee interrupted him.

"Because you insulted John!"

"Enough!" They all flinched and looked back to Washington. "Get up, all for of you. Go to the nurse and get yourselves checked out. And then – my office. I'll be calling your parents."

Alex looked around until he found John watching him. They both knew this wouldn't end well, for neither of them. If Washington got hold of John's dad, they may as well could start digging their graves. "Shit," John mumbled before staggering over to Alex.

"Yeah. We're dead."

Alex tried to ignore the immensely disappointed looks Lafayette and Hercules shot them. "I told you," Lafayette sighed before coming over and handing him his bag.

*

John had avoided being called to the principal's office all his life, but apparently there was a first time for everything. At least he wasn't alone; Jefferon and Lee's parents had been here in an instant, looking furious as they marched out of the office after each other, their sons trailing behind them with hunched shoulders, like they got the fear of God put into them.

John and Alex, on the other hand, had to wait for someone to show up. They sat next to each other in front of Washington's office, school bags on the floor between their feet, and flinched with every move. John got tenser by the minute, awaiting the imposing figure of his dad to round the corner and scold them even before hearing whatever Washington was going to say to him. For a moment, he even thought about drafting up a will; just in case.

They didn't speak for a long time. The nurse had checked them out, but apart from a few bruises, they were going to be fine. Which was a miracle considering John still wanted to throw up because he got kicked in the stomach. He looked down on his hands curled into fists in his lap, trying to drown out the world around him and imagining what was going to happen to them. If they would be expelled. If his dad would pull him out of the school. If he was being kicked out of the house. And here he thought there couldn't be anything worse than his dad finding out what John was carefully hiding from him.

Thankfully it was Rachel who finally rounded the corner, looking more worried than angry. John imagined that would change as soon as she heard what they'd done. "Are you okay?" she asked, kneeling down in front of them and touching both Alex and John's knees with one hand. "Sorry I couldn't come sooner. Are you hurt?"

"We're fine," Alex mumbled while John nodded.

The door to Washington's office opened and he greeted Rachel in the most polite way John had ever seen. "Please, come in," he said and stepped aside, looking at John and Alex. "You two – wait here, we'll call you in a few minutes."

John nodded, not meeting Washington's eyes and instead focused on his hands again. All the worries in the world came crashing down on him again. John was so lost in thoughts that he flinched as something touched his arm. But it was only Alex, pulling away his hand instantly.

"Sorry." Alex looked straight ahead at the white wall. "I just – are you okay?"

"Could be worse." John shrugged.

"Could be a hell of a lot better, too."

"True." John tried leaning back, but his back wouldn't cooperate. There wasn't a single position that felt comfortable. Which wasn't the only thing he questioned at the moment. After rolling over the thought in his mind for a bit, he decided to speak up. "Why did you jump Lee?"

A glance to the side revealed Alex' puzzled face. "Why wouldn't I?" He frowned. "Lee is a bully, he didn't deserve better."

"True again." John looked away again, suddenly even more uncomfortable. This had been a weird day overall; not only the call he made this morning, but also Alex' behavior. John would have never imagined this guy being tactful or minding what he said to other people, but today he seemed almost cooperative.

They fell silent until Washington called them in after a few minutes. John and Alex both flinched and winced as they finally had to move and pick up their bags. Washington's office looked kind of gloomy with the dark wooden furniture and the deep crimson carpet, the wall behind his desk lined with previous principals of this school and the curtains only half open so the light shining in was dimmed, too. It set the perfect mood of what John guessed would be his last minutes at this school.

Washington sat down behind his desk as Rachel took a step to the side so neither John nor Alex could see her from her place behind them. "First of all, you're not expelled," Washington opened and John couldn't help a deeply relieved sigh. "But you're getting detention for four weeks. And I can promise you it won't be as fleeting as the few bruises you got yourselves."

John dared to exchange a glance with Alex. The other boy seemed almost as relieved as him, slumping in the chair and leaning back before flinching into an upright position again. Apparently, Alex had taken a few hits himself.

"I'll see that they're both punished for their behavior. That's unacceptable." Rachel said, then frowning at the principal. "But what about the Rugby games?"

Washington looked at her just the same. "I don't see how that's relevant."

John's mouth went dry. "Well, John made the team, so is he still allowed to play?" Rachel asked.

"John … what?" The room seemed to get colder by the second. "No, he's not in the Rugby team. He's in the theater club, and not allowed to participate for the time of his detention."

"But he –"

"I can explain," John interrupted Rachel, shooting her a pleading glance.

"I hope so." She sighed, looking back at Washington. "I'd like you not to notify John's dad before I talked to him myself."

Washington frowned, but nodded. "Alright," he said, standing up again. "You're excused from school for today. Go home, boys."

The way home went by in a haze. Neither of them dared to call shotgun so Alex and John ended up sharing the backseat and a Twinkie John hadn't gotten around to eat. The car ride was silent. He couldn't tell what Rachel was thinking. How furious she was, how embarrassed to be called to school for them in the middle of the day, how disappointed in their behavior. What kind of consequences were to be expected of her. John's thoughts swirled with worries again, making him a bit light-headed. Either that or it was because of the punches he'd gotten today.

All he wanted to do was curl up in his bed, but as soon as they were home, Rachel made Alex and him sit down at the dining table. Made them tell her what had happened from their point of view as she made them coffee and tea respectively and sat down across from them.

"Can you please just yell at us?" John blurted out, interrupting Alex' explanation.

Rachel furrowed her brow. "Why would I do that?"

"You're mad, I get it," John continued, trying to make himself small with hunched shoulders and shrinking into the chair and definitely not touching his tea even though he really wanted to. "You're mad because we started a fight and because I lied to you and I'm sorry, honestly – so please, can we just get it over with?" Not only did he have to fight to keep his voice down and as calm as he could, but also the all too familiar burn in his eyes that seemed to follow him today before he screwed them shut tightly.

"John." He felt someone touch his arm and as he dared to open his eyes again slowly, Rachel still looked more worried than mad, sitting down right next to him. "I'm not mad. I just don't understand why neither of you told me what was going on at school. And yes, I'm disappointed you lied to me, but I'd like to hear your reasons first. What's the matter with you, sweetie?"

"Told you she's the best," Alex whispered next to him, even though he too looked like he'd rather be anywhere else.

But how the hell would he explain something that he tried to hide as best as he could? How could he confide in someone who willingly let his dad into her life, and not expect to be shunned for it? Kicked out and disowned, probably. If he was lucky. And with the boy he'd had a crush on ever since John first saw him right next to him.

"It's … complicated," John decided, bracing himself for all the questions that would follow while not daring to look anywhere else than at the cup of tea in front of him. "I can't tell you. I want to and I'm sorry that I can't, but … I want to tell my dad first. Face to face. And I can't do that, not now. So … could you please not tell him? Just for a bit?"

At first, there was nothing but silence. Alex didn't seem to be in the mood for any snarky comments today, so that was a plus. Rachel didn't say anything either, though, and it made John more nervous with each passing second. "Whenever you're ready, sweetie," she finally spoke up.

Relief washed over John so hard he could feel his shoulders slump and the knot in his stomach loosen up. He also felt the tears finally coming to his eyes and tried to blink them away, only for a few to fall down his cheeks. He hurriedly wiped them away, and neither Alex nor Rachel said anything about it, though he was sure at least Alex would make fun of him later. "Thank you," John managed, his voice hoarse and still not sure if he'd start to properly cry if he had to say anything else.

"Also, you're both grounded for a month," Rachel continued while she leaned forward and put her arms around John. "No friends over, either."

John nodded eagerly while Alex protested. But he didn't care. As long as he could still keep his not so little secret, he'd take anything else. Alex went silent as John's phone rang, though. Wiping his face with one hand again and pulling out the phone with another, John asked, "Is FaceTime still allowed?"

Rachel just shrugged standing up and ruffling his and Alex' hair with her hands. "They're not physically here."

So John answered Herc's call and wasn't actually surprised to see him and Laf together. They were still on school grounds and if they were caught, the phone would be taken away. But John was so happy to see them he didn't care for their risks at the moment.

"You look terrible," Laf greeted him. "Show me Alex! Is he worse?"

John looked over, frowning at Alex, who only shrugged and took the phone out of his hands. "I look fantastic, as usual, than you very much."

Herc and Laf laughed, and even John couldn't help a smile as he leaned into Alex' personal space to get a good look at the screen. Herc pushed a little against Laf, who put their arm around him. "So! Is it true that Washington has the corpses of expelled students in his office?"


	6. Detention

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've added a few drawings for this story in chapters 2, 4 and 5. It would be awesome if you'd let me know what you think! :)
> 
> Also this chapter gave me a serious headache. I'm glad it's finally Wednesday so I can stop editing and finally upload it! Your comments are what keeps me from abandoning the fic because I'm never satisfied with how the chapters turn out and it's the longest thing I've written so far. So... I hope you enjoy it!

John had never served a day of detention in his life. That was, until now. And honestly, it was still better than having his dad yell at him and Alex for starting a fight and for acting absolutely stupid and reckless. John carefully avoided doing or saying anything that could get his dad to go off, but Alex didn't seem to mind as he'd had his first shouting match with the man yesterday evening.

How Alex got out unscathed, John would never know. But he would also never know what it would be like to actually stand up to his dad. Because if he did, John would have to tell him everything that was 'wrong' with him and defend himself. Accept that he existed in the way he did. And he wasn't sure if he could ever handle that.

Right now, though, the only thing he had to come to terms with was the utter boredom that was detention. Apart from him and Alex, only a handful of other people shared the classroom with them after school, including a teacher who looked like he actually didn't have anything better to do than to spend his time with students. Apart from Jefferson and Lee, who John had expected to show up, was also Madison, and how _he_ got himself in here, John had no idea. Rumor was that Jefferson had put him up to it. John, however, was pretty confident that Madison could handle this himself.

But since he didn't have a clue as to why this guy sat in their classroom, obviously passing a notebook with Jefferson, John decided to follow suit and ask Alex. They weren't allowed to talk, so John ripped out a piece of paper from his college block and scribbled on it.

_What's Madison doing here?_

John folded the piece of paper once and leaned forward to place his hand holding it on Alex' shoulder. Why Alex would rather sit alone than be bored together, John didn't know – and honestly, he found this question to be much scarier than the one he asked.

Alex' head jerked up as he felt John's hand on his shoulder and he turned around, looking utterly confused. Only then did he take the paper and turned away again, still frowning.

John, on the other hand, laid on his table and let his arms dangle over the edge. He closed his eyes, imagining himself to be somewhere warm and cozy, preferably a place where he didn't have to wear a tie all day long.

Only when he felt paper scrape against his arm did he open one eye again to look at Alex. John imagined they weren't being subtle either, but their teacher obviously couldn't care less. So he took the note and read it.

_I bet he's just following Jefferson around. If you haven't noticed, Madison has a serious crush on him._

The paper wasn't exactly large and Alex' handwriting was still neat, but now compressed to fit all his words onto it. John couldn't help the small smile. Even when he wasn't allowed to talk, Alex found a way of expressing himself.

They quickly came up with a routine where John almost fell asleep while waiting for Alex to finish whatever novel he composed on three lines of paper and handed back to him, which usually took long enough so John could drift away in his daydreams and leave the dull, silent classroom with the way too loud ticking of the clock behind. The only time they were scolded was when John scribbled a quick caricature of a really pissed looking Baby-Lee and Alex burst out laughing.

Soon enough, the bell rang, excusing them from detention and simultaneously ending all club activities at school. Which was why Herc and Laf were waiting in the parking lot as John and Alex strolled silently out into the early autumn sun.

"It was so boring without you, mon ami," Laf greeted John and threw their arms around him in a dramatic gesture.

"Are you saying _I'm_ boring?" Herc crossed his arms in front of his chest, managing to actually look a little offended.

Laf turned around just enough to stick out their tongue at Herc. "You should join the theater club, too," they said, looking at Alex now. "After you're done with detention, of course."

Alex frowned and John could tell that he wasn't too keen on it. But he only shrugged and started wrestling Herc over who called shotgun first. John stood perfectly still, watching them and patting Laf on the shoulder as they continued their over-the-top drama about how everyone suffered because John hadn't been there. He highly doubted his presence would have made any difference whatsoever.

*

When exactly Alex changed his seat so he could sit next to John to write him more easily, he didn't know. But it happened only a few days after their first detention and since then, they had taken up writing notes when they finished a problem of their homework or wrote an essay or whatever it was they had to do. Alex had even started to look forward to it.

Which was why he wasn't pleased with himself today. The words just wouldn't flow and everything felt wrong, but he'd promised to himself to write at least one paragraph before giving John any attention again.

When he felt something touching his left arm, he jerked it away and looked up, startled.

"Sorry," John whispered, settling down on the table again. "I didn't wanna get my paper out."

Alex looked down on his arm, where a black dot seemed to innocently stare back at him. He made the connection only when he saw the pen in John's hand. "It's fine," Alex whispered back, settling back into writing his essay.

After a few minutes, he felt the pen against his skin again. This time, though, Alex tried not to flinch or move in any way that was more than him writing and skimming over the words afterwards. If John didn't want to get his college block out, then so be it. Alex had had enough of making him feel bad, because he seemed so sad all the time already and he had noticed that too late.

As the bell rang and they were officially out of detention for the day, Alex looked on his arm and found it covered in flowers, butterflies and bees. Simple shapes and forms in between, like stars, and John hunched over one of the butterflies to dot a pattern into its wings. His tongue stuck out a tiny bit at the corner of his mouth and Alex swore he'd never seen John that concentrated when taking a test. The tight curls fell over his shoulder, but he didn't seem to mind.

Only after finishing, John sat back up and smiled. Alex could tell it was a genuine smile this time, because his eyes got smaller and his tiny dimples showed. In that moment, he was _radiating_ happiness and Alex couldn't help the similar smile making its way onto his face.

After they got home, he took a few pictures of his arm before getting into the shower.

*

"Hey, what's that?"

John only looked up after Alex had put on some coffee, pointing at that disgusting thing John apparently found was a good afternoon snack. "Peanut butter and marshmallow sandwich."

Alex raised his eyebrows. "Say that again, but slower."

Why that made John laugh, he couldn't tell. "It's actually pretty good."

"I'd be more inclined to believe people saying Jefferson is a nice person." Was that a bit harsh? Probably. Did John just invent a new variation of disgusting? Most definitely. So Alex found his response was the only logical thing.

John got peanut butter on his cheek as he took a bite. "You know, you'd be less grumpy if you ate more sweets. And laid off the coffee for a bit."

Alex scoffed. "You can pry that caffeine out of my cold, dead hands."

*

John usually didn't mind not talking to Alex during detention. Not only because the teacher forbid any and all communication – except passing notes, apparently – but also because Alex had a book with him or worked on his homework. How he could concentrate long enough to stay completely still for almost two hours, John would never know.

They sat next to each other and didn't bother trying to talk except for the notes they read and wrote when they hit a low point. John was okay with this – except for today. His phone had died during last period so any and all music to take his mind off things was out of the question. And without music, it was hard to concentrate on homework or whatever. So he peaked at Alex' book.

Which was something like a guide, John guessed, because there were several rules listed, talking about die, but also elves and dwarfs and some kind of bonus system he couldn't get a solid grasp on. For a book with such an elegant and obvious fantasy cover, it didn't really hold up.

So he passed Alex a note saying, _the hell are u reading?_

_Dungeons and Dragons_, was the kind of obvious answer (it was in the title).

Still, John had no idea what to do with this information. So he decided the next logical step was to lean into Alex' personal space, rest his head against the other boy's shoulder and start reading himself. Alex held perfectly still, not even his hands holding the pages twitched. For a second, John wondered if he still was breathing.

Then again, he had a hard time concentrating himself. John usually smelled whatever shampoo Alex used after he was done showering, but now it mixed with whatever smell was unique to him. It was kind of a weird mixture, but surprisingly pleasant. The heat radiating from his body didn't help, either. John was usually cold, even if he wore a hoodie and hid under the blankets at home. Now, in only a white shirt – even if it was long-sleeved – he felt like sitting next to a campfire. John still wasn't interested in what appeared to be a rule book for a tabletop game, but he skimmed the pages and looked at the illustrations. As long as Alex thought he was reading, he probably wouldn't shove John away.

*

"Yo."

John laughed as a startled Alex actually jump right when he let himself fall on the couch next to the other boy. "Jesus, Laurens! Do you want to give me a heart attack?"

John motioned his hand in a _maybe_ kind of way. "What are you writing?" And why the hell was he sitting in the living room? Alex had let his bag fall right next to the couch and crouched in front of it as if the way to his own room was too long and he couldn't wait to get the words out.

For a few seconds, Alex looked like he'd rather strangle him than answer his questions. "It's for a game," he then decided that John probably wasn't worth getting in trouble with the police for.

Alex had propped open the same book he'd been reading in detention with a pen and scribbled something in a notebook. John leaned forward. "Yeah? What kind of game?"

"Do you have two hours?"

At first Alex looked like he was joking, but the more John questioned him about this Dungeons and Dragons stuff, the more explanation he got and Alex actually turned away from his writing, gesturing with both hands and talking so fast John almost couldn't keep up with. But the way his eyes lit up and how passionate he was about this whole stuff made him only want to listen to Alex more.

"Hey," John managed to build up some courage as Rachel called them to dinner. "Do you think I could play some time, too?"

Alex frowned at him, but whatever he seemed to be looking for in John's face, he seemed to be satisfied with what he found. "Sure."

*

Sometimes, Alex seriously wondered what the hell was wrong with him. Not today, though, because today he _knew_. John still sat next to him, but he seemed to have shut out everything the world had to offer. Instead he had popped in his ear buds as soon as they sat down for detention and opened up a textbook. Alex couldn't even concentrate on his own studies.

He was too interested in watching John. How his soft hair bounced and fell over his shoulder when he leaned forward and how his lips silently moved; Alex couldn't figure out if he mouthed the words to a song or to the text he was reading. The way he smiled and swayed his head made him almost sure that John wasn't interested in his textbook.

Alex was happy to see him smile, but the downside was that he found it hard to concentrate on his own homework. Jefferson, Madison and Lee didn't care for them. In fact, they had taken to ignoring him and John during regular lessons as well as detention, aside from one or two snide comments. Nothing they couldn't handle. Even now they were too absorbed in their own textbooks and passed notes so Alex didn't have to worry about any weird comments as he lightly touched John's arm.

John took out one ear pod and raised his eyebrows. _What is it_, he mouthed.

Alex pointed at the ear pod John still held between his fingers. After a few seconds, the other boy seemed to get the silent question and offered it to Alex, along with pulling out his phone under the table to show him what he was listening to.

_It's a musical_, John wrote on a small edge of his essay.

Alex couldn't help the smile that formed on his own face as John wrote down what the musical was about as they listened to the songs together. He even sketched the main characters. Alex marveled at his art, the simplistic yet beautiful style of John's sketches which he wanted to keep and frame so he could look at them for forever. He'd never have guessed that this guy was so talented, but John managed to surprise him in new ways constantly. If Alex hadn't already had a big crush on him, he would have gotten one by now for sure.

*

"Hey." Alex pulled on John's shirt to get his attention. "Who's that and why is she here?" He pointed to a dark-skinned girl with long black curly, wearing her school uniform with the plaid skirt and the loosened tie like she was on the runway, walking down the hallway in fast, determined steps, her curls bobbing up and down all around her.

"Huh?" John frowned as he turned the same way Alex was facing. "Oh, that's Angelica Schuyler."

"Schuyler?"

John shrugged. "Yeah. You've never seen her?"

Alex shook his head, but a few things clicked in his head. He recognized Angelica's facial features, but he'd only seen them on screen for a long time by now. There wasn't any doubt she was Peggy's sister. But she didn't even look at them, instead holding a clipboard and talking to a smaller, even curvier girl next to her whose face Alex couldn't see.

Still, he couldn't quite grasp why those girls were at school when even detention was over by now. "They're juniors, I bet they're on the Homecoming committee," John said, even though he barely looked at them. "I'm surprised you haven't met them by now. They're usually _everywhere_."

"Huh."

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, no." Alex nodded. "I'm good. Let's go. I want to know how that musical ends." But even as he grabbed John's arm and pulled him outside and to the car, he couldn't stop thinking about Angelica. But how was he ever going to get to know her?

*

"Wait, your school has Homecoming?"

John frowned, looking up from the sandwiches he brought for lunch today. They had chosen to get the last bits of warm, pre-fall sunshine and made Lafayette and Hercules come out to sit on the lawn right behind the chemistry labs. Apple trees with ripe fruit stood tall in a circle, benches full of other students with the same idea as them surrounding the trees.

"Uh, yeah?" Herc looked at Alex like he was an alien. "Yours doesn't?"

Alex shrugged. "Not that I can recall."

"Your traditions are so weird," Laf said, sprawling out on the grass. They closed their eyes as the sun shone right on their face. "What's the big deal about this Homecoming?"

"Everyone goes there, even us," John pointed out. Sometimes he forgot that Laf wasn't American and many of their traditions seemed strange to them. Then again, France had their own weird customs.

"Angelica too?"

Of course Alex had to ask about her. He'd been looking around the empty hallways after detention all of last week, probably trying to get a glimpse of her again. John's chest got heavier each time he did that, but it wasn't like he had any right to complain. Alex was supposed to be his family soon, not someone to fall for. Still, John chose not to answer and handed Herc his half-eaten sandwich. His appetite was gone.

"Probably," Herc shrugged as he answered Alex' question. "I mean, the event wouldn't be half as funny if she wasn't. I heard she won Homecoming queen as a freshman and pulled a Carrie stunt, only it wasn't blood but glitter."

"Oh, do they still do that?" Laf asked, turning their head and opening their eyes again. "Then I want to go!"

"Me too." Herc beamed. "I had to wear a dress last year, but I bet I'll rock a suit!"

"You totally would," John agreed and even managed to smile. "You go and have fun. It's next weekend already, right?"

"But you'll be done with your detention by then," Herc said, frowning at him.

John pulled his knees up to his chest and wrapped both arms around them. "Yeah, but I don't want to go."

"Even though it's Halloween themed?"

"We could make our own Halloween party," Laf offered. John hadn't told them about his outbursts of jealousy, but he was thankful for that offer nonetheless. "It's the right date, yes?"

"It is." John nodded.

Alex looked at them like they had lost their mind, though, and for once John didn't know why. Was it the thought of going alone to Homecoming or because a private Halloween party would soon spark a comment about how childish that was? John didn't know what to say to him, so he started picking at the grass instead.

"You're obviously invited, too," Herc said instead, simultaneously making John nervous and taking an unseen weight off his shoulders. "We should make that a proper party. Your house?"

It took John a few seconds to realize the question was directed at him. "Uh, we could ask our parents?"

"I suppose," Alex agreed.

"You should invite more friends, too," Laf suggested, nudging Alex with their leg.

For whatever reason, that prompted a huge smile on Alex' face. "Yeah, let's ask as soon as we get home."


	7. Scary Feels

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's not Halloween yet! Have a Halloween themed chapter nonetheless.
> 
> Also I'm sorry for the slow update today - taking on a double shift yesterday took it's toll on me and so I was being lazy today. Hope you still enjoy the new chapter, tho!

"Alex!"

Alex felt someone put their hands on his shoulders and immediately knew it was John. He had gotten accustomed to the other boy touching him on a regular basis, even though it was still a little weird. But not so weird as to pull away. Instead, Alex leaned back a little so his body was touching John's and held up the still disgusting sandwich. "What?"

"Nothing." John snatched his favorite snack out of Alex' hands. "Just wanted to see how the popcorn came along."

"I'll tell you if you managed to get the blu-ray player working."

"On it," John said with a mouth full of sandwich.

The microwave sounded off just as the doorbell rang and the next minute was all Peggy's. She came rushing into the living room, her long blue robe with embroidered silver swirls twirling all around her, just like her matching floor-length dress.

Alex watched from the open kitchen as she greeted them with her usual hugs. Then their eyes met and he swore he'd never seen anyone run that fast. "Alex!"

Alex put the warm popcorn fresh out of the microwave down right before Peggy crushed into him, throwing her arms around him and making him stumble backwards. "Pegs!"

It was still kind of weird to have his friends over again, but in that single moment he couldn't be happier. "Where is he?" He heard Maria shout and watched over Peggy's shoulder as she, dressed up as what could either be a mourning wife from the Victorian era or a goth vampire, tugged rogue Ned clad in lots of leather and belts towards Peggy's screams.

How Alex didn't go deaf right there and then, he would never know. But as soon as Maria and Ned caught up to them, he was crushed in the middle of a group hug. Usually, Alex avoided body contact. He wasn't that much of a fan of being hugged by all kinds of people, but he gladly made an exception for his friends. Especially since he hadn't seen them in what felt like forever.

"It's so good to see you," Ned said somewhere near the top of Alex' head. Even Peggy and Maria were taller than him, especially when they wore heels like they did right now.

"Yeah, I'd also like to breathe sometime soon."

"Just admit that you missed us," Maria said, grinning.

"Yeah, and tell us why you're suddenly living in such a huge place," Ned demanded.

Peggy nodded. "It's almost as big as our house!"

"Yeah, well." Alex tried to shrug, but at least two arms were in the way. "It's not like I got a say in the matter."

"Yeah, you assume he ever leaves his room." Ned raised an eyebrow, but Alex couldn't tell who it was aimed at.

They hadn't really parted yet when the flash of a camera startled Alex. He watched a grinning Lafayette put down their phone again. "Hey, Alice, give a warning," Alex complained, though he still smiled.

Lafayette straightened the sky blue ribbon on their head and shrugged. "I didn't want to interrupt." How they weren't freezing was still a mystery to Alex. That blue and white Alice dress was so short and even the white knee-high socks didn't do much to help keep the cold out.

Then again, Hercules was always close by, dressed as the Tim Burton version of the Mad Hatter. And he radiated body heat that could melt the pole caps. Alex couldn't tell if he or Lafayette always made sure not to stay too far from each other, but then again he didn't even know if they knew how obvious they were.

John looked the strangest; his version of the Cheshire Cat was a mixture of the Disney version and the Tim Burton one, with differently colored overknee socks in the same striped pattern as the long-sleeved shirt. He'd drawn a wide smile on it with white textile marker. Though the fluffy cat ears pinned down in his hair looked kind of cute.

"Hey, kitty!" Alex yelled and strangely enough, John turned his head and looked at him expectantly. "You had a job!"

"Don't yell at me, Edward," John pouted, turning back to the TV.

"I'm not a vampire!" Alex protested, but John paid him no attention.

"Have we decided on what to watch?" Maria asked, pulling a few DVDs out of her purse.

"Wat'cha got there?" Peggy leaned into Maria's personal space to check out the DVDs as they joined John.

"Uh. _Halloween_ and _Friday 13__th_, and uh …" Maria shuffled through the DVDs, which must make up more than half of her collection while Herc and Peggy watched, commenting on various movies.

"So … that's your life now."

Alex looked at Ned, still in the kitchen with him. Then back into the living room. "Could be worse."

"Yeah, you're lucky." Ned nodded, still looking around. "They don't seem so bad. How's your step-dad? And … where is he, anyways?"

Alex pulled a face. "He's a prick. Last week, he yelled at John for leaving a plate in the sink. Like, actually yelled, as if he'd committed first-degree murder. I don't know what mum sees in him. But they decided to have their date-night tonight so we can be alone."

"Alex!"

He looked up when he heard Hercules' voice. The TV was on and showed the title screen of _Halloween_. "Coming," Alex yelled back and after he shared a brief look and a shrug with Ned, they made their way over.

*

John's favorite part of Halloween was dressing up. He had an entire section of his wardrobe put aside for costumes, mostly made by Herc. Some of them didn't fit anymore since he'd long outgrown them, but John kept them around for the sake of nostalgia. He'd be caught dead before throwing away stuff made by his best friend.

So he was glad that they all had agreed on dressing up, even if they weren't going out trick-or-treating, or even to a Halloween party organized by some strangers from school. John liked people, he just wasn't very good with them. And he could definitely do without running into Lee by accident. And Alex' friends, even though John didn't know them, looked nice enough. Maria's knowledge about movies was impressive, and Ned, Alex and Herc had gotten into a heated discussion about sewing costumes.

"I'll never know why you didn't join the theater club," Herc pointed out, accusing Alex.

"You _didn't_?" Ned looked shocked. "I thought you said –"

"There's no club I like, yeah," Alex interrupted him. "And that's true. It's just not the same without you guys."

John raised both eyebrows. He hadn't know Alex was into theater. He did such a good job hiding most of his hobbies or personality John still wasn't sure where he stood with Alex. Were they friends? Or just people sharing the same house, on a truce, getting along because they were supposed to?

Before John could start to overthink things – again –, Laf threw an arm around him. "Look, my favorite scene!" They pointed at the TV, where they had put on _Cabin in the Woods_ after the last movie. It was Herc's turn to go and open the door for the kids still making rounds, so Laf was probably cold – even though they turned on the heater.

Still, John couldn't concentrate on either the TV or Laf. His mind started wandering off again, right until Peggy nudged him with her shoulder. She had taken to making the floor in front of the couch hers, which meant everyone else had to parcour if they wanted to sit somewhere that wasn't her cloak or dress. "All of you go to Yorktown High, right?"

John frowned. "Yeah, why?"

Peggy shrugged. "Just … 'cause. My sisters never mentioned you, and I'm pretty sure Eliza has something to do with the theater club, too."

"Uh … the choir sometimes helps out," John guessed, because there wasn't anyone named Eliza he'd recognize from club activities.

"Yeah, that one." Peggy grinned. "Say hi to her when you see her. She's a bit shy."

"Unlike you," Maria said, an eyebrow raised high.

"Well, someone had to get all the charm."

"And they didn't leave any for you?" Alex grinned even as he climbed higher on the couch so Peggy couldn't hit him.

It was hard not to be jealous. John had promised to be Alex' friend, but when he watched the guy with his actual friends he became aware that he wasn't doing a good job. It was hard to concentrate on those kind of thoughts when Peggy and Laf shrieked because of a not particularly scary jumpscare, Laf sliding off the couch and clinging to her.

Which meant that Alex could stretch out, his feet resting on Ned's lap and his head just falling into John's. Alex had never been this comfortable with anyone when it came to body contact, but his friends being here must mean that he was getting more and more relaxed. John wouldn't complain nor trade with Maria, who had secured an armchair all for herself.

He didn't dare to move, either. Because if he moved then he may scare away Alex and that wasn't something he'd willingly do. When Herc came back and found them like this, he frowned. "Guess that was the last group for today," he said, then snuggled right in between Peggy and Laf on the floor without so much as a shrug.

The living room was a mess; soda cans and popcorn lay strewn around and it got only worse when someone – John honestly couldn't remember who – started a food fight. Soon they were all over the place, shrieking and laughing as they threw popcorn and leftover candy at each other. They only stopped as the movie ended, none of them aware of what had happened on screen for the past minutes.

*

"Hey, didn't you want to do a One Shot today?" Ned asked, looking at Alex expectantly.

That's when he remembered that he had, indeed, planned a short adventure for his friends. "Say that again, but slower," Laf demanded.

After a rather lengthy explanation from four people, Alex was pretty sure Laf was none the wiser as to what _Dungeons and Dragons_ was, but they seemed at least interested. "You promised to show me, too," John said with a small smile, though why he looked so unsure, Alex couldn't say.

"Alright, clear the table," he demanded, pointing to all the sweets still lying around, "I'll be right back."

Alex hadn't ever DM'd for more than three people, but Herc and Laf seemed interested, and John had already told him that he was into trying out DND. So they settled on the floor around the coffee table in the living room, Alex handing out character sheets he had prepared and die for John, Laf and Herc since they hadn't any of their own.

"What the hell does any of that mean?" Herc asked after looking over his character sheet.

So they spent a good chunk of time explaining the various stats and their roles in combat and whatnot, Alex keeping it simple for their new players for now. After everyone looked like they understood, they started the One Shot.

Alex kept it light on the horror and details, but Laf's imagination seemed to run wild after a few minutes. They were entertaining to watch, them and Herc really getting into it and almost into a fight of their own.

"You should totally continue playing," Peggy chimed in after a while as she helped out John adding a bonus on a roll. "You're naturals."

As happy as they looked, Alex would actually like that. Especially if that meant he could watch John's absolutely concentrated face turn into astonishment and then a huge grin, his cheeks slightly red, making his freckles more prominent than ever. It was hard to concentrate when he looked as happy as he did now, and it was a shame that didn't occur more often.

Ned elbowed him in the side. "Look who's got a crush," he whispered near Alex' ear.

"Shut up!" That came out louder than expected and judging by the heat creeping up his own face, Alex would bet actual money he was just as red as John now. "Anyways. You made it into the evil king's castle and notice a huge statue …"

By the end of introducing the big bad, though, Alex swore to never let those guys discuss anything by themselves again. As it turned out, they found his villain's motivation sound and turned against everything and everyone they had come to know during the One Shot and ended up helping the villain.

"He's the bad guy," Alex tried to protest.

"He made some questionable decisions, but that doesn't mean he's evil," John argued. "Look, he's a bit misguided, but … I mean, it's not like it's totally _his_ fault the world is rotten."

"Uh, actually …"

"No way!" Peggy shook her head. "The villagers did him wrong. I wanna give him a big hug!"

Alex sighed, putting a hand to his face. "Roll for it."

The dice _clacked_ as it connected with the table and a collective groan ensued as it landed on a 1. "Well, shit," Peggy mumbled.

"Shit is right." Alex grinned. "So, you wanna hug him but you're too forceful and actually slap him."

Maria couldn't hold in her laughter anymore. "Doesn't she get, like, a huge strength bonus?"

"That's right, I do."

"Let's add …" Alex leaned over to see Peggy's character sheet. "Well … I guess you cracked one of the king's ribs and it punctured his lung."

Peggy went as pale as possible. "Shit. He's gonna die of that!"

"Yeah, congrats, you managed to defeat the evil king," Alex managed between fits of laughter. "So much for teaming up with him, huh?"

"Well, could be worse." Ned shrugged. "Remember when Maria set all our stuff on fire?"

"Hey!" Maria swatted at him. "We needed a distraction and it worked!"

John was laughing now, too. "Why didn't you ever tell us your friends were that funny?"

Alex watched him relax against Peggy's side and pat her on the back as she wailed in an over-the-top performance for her 'lost love' or whatever. Actually, he hadn't imagined they would get along this great, though he sure was glad this evening worked out so well.

*

They stayed on the floor even after they had ended the game. Peggy hogged all the soda cans and the Pepsi she had brought and constantly let people beg to have them – except Maria. Which was kind of funny for John, but an exasperated sigh from Ned and a, "not again" from Alex told him this seemed to be regular. He couldn't deny the pang of jealousy because of how happy Alex looked, like he'd never done before. But mostly John was happy for him to have this kind of friends.

Until Peggy placed the empty Pepsi bottle on the table. "Let's play spin the bottle!"

"What?" Alex raised both eyebrows. "That's a kids game!"

Peggy pouted. "Well, what else are you gonna do with an empty bottle and this?" She pointed to the TV, where Maria had put up _Scary Movie_ with the volume down so they could easily talk over it.

"She does have a point," Laf said, shrugging. They leaned against the couch, their legs put over Herc's lap, and seemed perfectly content as they stroked the skirt of their dress. "I haven't played in ages."

"Fine with me," John also agreed. What could possibly go wrong?

They pushed the coffee table aside and made a game of truth and dare out of it, which somehow led to Herc explaining to Peggy and Maria how to bind safely, Laf showing off a hand-stand and Alex and Ned reciting lengthy parts of the _Iliad_. How that came to be, John truly couldn't recall.

It was all fun and games until Ned spun the bottle and dared Peggy, whom it landed on, "you should totally kiss Maria!"

Both girls blushed, Peggy much more furiously than Maria tho. "How– what– are you crazy?"

"Well …" Maria shared a look with Alex John absolutely couldn't interpret. "Fine. Come here."

Then she leaned over and kissed Peggy full on. John looked to the floor; not only was he absolutely not interested in girls that way, but also kissing felt like such a private thing to do that he wouldn't dare watch anyone do that. It wold just be weird.

Peggy's continued stammering and inability to form whole sentences resumed and John assumed they were finished. She was even redder now, but like Maria she looked weirdly satisfied. "That wasn't so bad, was it?"

"I– uh– … no, I don't think so," Peggy shrugged. She took a deep breath before reaching out and spinning the bottle. Alex' grin vanished as the bottle landed on him. "Okay, you need to stop with that face. So … Truth or Dare?"

"Dare," Alex answered. "It's not like half the people don't know my secrets."

Ned raised an eyebrow, then thought it over for a moment. "True. I could tell the most embarrassing stories about you."

"But you won't, because I'd kill you in your sleep."

Ned laughed, then Peggy spoke up, "So – since I had to do that, I dare you to kiss someone too."

Alex raised both eyebrows. "Someone?"

"Uh …" Peggy looked around. "John."

John tried not to bury his face in his hands, feeling the heat creep up his face on a moment's notice and his cheeks probably flushing a similar red as Peggy's. That was so far from okay he didn't even know where to start!

"Why?" He heard Alex ask and when John looked up, Alex was on his knees and Herc held him back, which was probably the only reason he didn't strangle Peggy right now.

"No way," John protested, too, even though he barely managed something more than a horrified whisper. "That's not gonna happen, ever."

Peggy crossed her arms in front of her chest. "Aww, you're no fun!"

She settled on making Alex get one of his poems and read it aloud. John hadn't known Alex wrote that kind of stuff, but as Ned, Maria and Peggy told him, he'd been into writing stories and poetry alike for a while now. He had absolutely no idea if what Alex read aloud was actually good or not, but he liked the sound of Alex' voice saying verses he thought of by himself, so the blush on John's face didn't go away anytime soon.

John barely even looked up anymore and met anyone's eyes, especially not Alex'. He felt so vulnerable and exposed right now. Peggy had only been joking and she couldn't possibly know how much of a crush he had on Alex. Still, it felt like she hit right on a vulnerable point John wasn't ready to expose yet and now it was only … well, awkward. He tried glancing up at Alex as he was busy jokingly threatening Ned – his favorite pastime, apparently – and the burning of heat in his cheeks got only worse. How dared he look this good?

*

It was well past midnight as everyone left, carpooling with Ned, who had been offering to drop everyone off again. Their parents still weren't home, so Alex and John made an effort of cleaning up the living room before anyone – namely Henry – could go off about what a mess they've made. John looked way more concerned and moved like an antelope being hunted down.

"You're stressing me out," Alex commented after he helped drying the dishes and glasses which John had taken to washing per hand. "We have a dishwasher, you know."

John bit his lower lip. He hadn't met Alex' gaze all evening after Peggy's suggestion of truth or dare, and he didn't start now. "I know," he murmured instead. "But I don't want dad to see that we … well …"

"Had fun?" Alex suggested when John didn't finish the sentence.

John shrugged. "You know how he gets."

"Yeah." Still, the only thing Alex could offer was a frown. "So – he blows up a lot, what else is new? It's not like he –"

"Just help me clean a bit more, yeah?"

Usually, John never interrupted when Alex was talking, even if he was going on and on about something on their way home from school about whatever held his interest that day. So that was kind of new, and confusing. Alex grabbed John's arm as he tried to move towards the living room again. "That's not the reason you didn't look at me the whole night, is it?"

"Huh?"

Alex rolled his eyes. "I'm not stupid, John," he said, letting go of his arm again. John stayed in place, finally looking at him directly, even though he looked super confused. "You seemed on edge ever since Peggy made us play Truth or Dare. Do you wanna tell me what's going on or do I have to keep guessing?"

John frowned. "That entirely depends on how much you exaggerate."

"Hah." Alex smiled a little, then accompanied John to the living room. As they were picking up candy wrappers, he continued, "You didn't answer my question."

"That's because it's stupid." John peered into a packet of rice crackers and, finding it empty, crinkled it and threw it away. "It's nothing."

"According to your reasoning, nothing is stupid now." Did Alex have problems turning around other people's words? Nope. Should he feel guilty about that? Absolutely not.

"I hate you." John sighed, but he sounded more weary than truly angry. "Okay, so – I'll tell you if you promise not to laugh."

Alex stopped what he was doing and held up both hands. John rarely told him anything too private, so he appreciated those rare moments even more. "Promise."

Still, John turned away again. He faced the glass front of the back of the house, so Alex still saw his face. He chewed his lips and his hands fumbled with the sleeves of his costume. "So, when Peggy said … I mean, when she dared you … to uh, to –" Alex got frustrated with people not being able to express themselves pretty quickly, but he made an effort not to blow up in John's face – not only because he was way more patient with the guy than with anyone else, but also because he was genuinely curious about what those words were he was stumbling over. "I didn't want to sound rude when she dared you to, uh – you know. Well. It's just that I …"

"Look, I'm glad you said no," Alex interrupted, even though he didn't want to. He just couldn't stand watching John stumble over his words anymore. "I mean – what's more embarrassing than having your first kiss because of a stupid dare?"

John turned around so fast the fake cat tail swayed around his legs. "Y– yours too?"

"Uh." Alex didn't know if he was red in the face, but even if that was the case he wouldn't have anything on John. Blushing seemed to be his favorite thing to do today and honestly, it was kind of cute. Alex would have never guessed he'd be this awkward. "Well, yeah – I mean, it's not like I don't want to. I don't even care if it's with a guy or a girl. But, like … not like this."

John frowned a lot today, too. Just like right now. "You're into guys?"

Alex rubbed the back of his neck with one hand. "Yeah. I thought almost everyone knew, even if I never properly came out."

The tension in the air was almost tangible. Alex had almost never felt this awkward in his whole life, his heart skipping a beat and mentally counting the seconds John remained silent. Was he wrong about telling him this? "You absolutely cannot tell anyone else in this house," was the first thing he said – not what Alex would have suspected.

"What, this again?"

"No, for real." John's eyes were wide and he gave off a genuinely concerned impression. "My dad would kill you. Or, well, kick you out. Whatever. I've tried talking to him about this kind of stuff, but he – shit, I think he almost hit me just because I dared to say the word 'gay' out loud in this house."

"That's unreasonably unproportional," Alex frowned. Sure, he knew about the stereotypes of homophobic people from the south. Which was one of the reasons he was skeptical about his mum dating Henry – Alex just didn't have that good of a feeling about him. Still – he also didn't have a reason to doubt John and it made him angry what kind of dad John had.

"Yeah, well." John buried his face in his hands. "This is so embarrassing. Just … promise I won't tell anyone you're, uh … what? Bi? Pan?"

Alex shrugged. "I guess bi. And thanks."

"And …" Alex actually saw John's chest rising as he drew in a deep breath. "And … I'm gay."

He simultaneously wanted to hug John and laugh out loud. Alex did neither of those things. A few things about John's behavior clicked in place right now, but mostly there was anger – at Henry for being a dick about this. He would bet most of his life savings that John wouldn't nearly be as unsure about himself if Henry would have been a little nicer. "You said that out loud," Alex said instead, smiling a little. "Gay, I mean. Henry would be furious."

John returned the smile, even though it looked a little wobbly. "Yeah. I know." Another deep breath. "Gay."

Alex giggled. "Gay!" He shouted, John joining in. "Take that, asshole!" He put up his middle finger at the ceiling, as if to flip off the ghost of Henry's presence lingering around.

John barked out a laugh, then joined in in Alex' gesture. "We still need to clean up, though. Even Rachel would kill us right now."

"Damn, I hate it when you're right."


	8. Silver Linings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for the unannounced break! I just couldn't muster up the strength to write an entire chapter because work was super exhausting, and all kinds of stuff happened in my life. I'm not even in quarantine and have to go to work regularly because I work in the energy sector. But since the latest comment, I really felt inspired and hope that I can be posting regularly again.
> 
> Also please note following trigger warnings for: dying parents, destruction from natural disasters and depression at the end of the chapter.

It felt almost weird to get out of school after lessons had officially ended for the day. Not having detention anymore, and not being grounded was a treat, though, so Alex wouldn't even dream of complaining. Even if that meant he got less time to spend with John every day by default. But John had seemed so glad to be able to go back to the theater club that Alex just couldn't complain about it. It also meant he had to take the bus home again twice a week, but if John kept smiling like he'd done today, it was well worth it.

Most people cleared out of the school immediately, which was why Alex frowned at the sight of a small group almost completely blocking the entrance. Until he came closer and saw that one of those people was Peggy, immediately able to stand out because of her bright yellow jacket, talking to two girls in Yorktown uniforms. Alex frowned while pushing up his glasses, until he spotted Angelica being one of those people. Next to them stood a smaller and paler girl, laughing and putting her arms around both Peggy and Angelica.

For a second, Alex wasn't sure if it was fine to interrupt them, but he just couldn't pass Peggy without at least saying hello. "Hey," he yelled, immediately getting Peggy's attention, and waving as she turned around to look at him. "What are you doing here?"

"Alex!" She grinned, ducking away under the other girl's arm to rush over the last few feet separating them to hug him. "It's so good to see you."

Alex raised an eyebrow. "Yeah, because we haven't seen each other in ages."

Peggy shrugged. "What can I do? I missed you."

"And here I thought you skipped school to see us," Angelica said with a small smirk.

"Of course." Peggy waved a hand dismissively. "Have you met my sisters, Alex? That's Angelica, and the shy one is Eliza."

As if on cue, Eliza blushed as she rolled her eyes. "You don't need to make us look bad in front of your friends, Pegs." Then she turned to smile at Alex. "Nice to meet you."

"Likewise." Of course he didn't say that he already knew Angelica by sight. Most people from school apparently did, what with her being on the Homecoming committee and everything. Her presence was too stunning than to _not_ notice her. He assumed that in comparison, she'd probably never heard of him before.

"You're the one who taught that Charles Lee a lesson, right?" Angelica surprised him.

"Uh." It wasn't like Alex to be at a loss for words, but he was clearly stumped that this had made the rounds. "Yeah, why?"

"He tried running against me for school council," Angelica explained. "I guess he's still bitter he lost, so he's turned into an even bigger bully. Since he never broke the school rules, though, I couldn't do much about that. So … thanks, I guess." So she was in the school council, too. Alex wasn't surprised. He'd heard great deals about Angelica since he had started asking around and couldn't help to be impressed.

"Don't encourage him," Peggy yelled before Alex could think of anything to say. "He would even fist-fight Thanos, that's how reckless he is. You're just giving him all the more reason to do so."

"Excuse me." Alex frowned at her. "Don't you still have school? I'm not the one skipping school just to call other people small or reckless."

"Right." Peggy shrugged. "But I had something I wanted to talk to you about."

"And it couldn't wait until tonight?"

"Duh." Peggy rolled her eyes. "No, dummy." She hooked one arm around Alex' and turned to face her sisters. "Can you leave us alone for a bit?"

Angelica smiled and shrugged a little. "I got student council, anyways."

"Choir practice," Eliza excused herself as Angelica put an arm around her shoulders, waving as she led Eliza back into the building.

Alex waved them goodbye, then turned back to face Peggy. "Want to grab a coffee for that?"

Peggy seemed to think it over for a moment before agreeing. They made their way to the coffee shop Alex had worked in during his summer break; it wasn't too crowded, so they found a booth next to one of the windows. Coincidentally, Aaron still worked here, but paid them no attention except for getting their orders. Alex watched a sudden breeze outside sweep the branches of a tree on the other side of the street clean, red and brown leaves swirl in the air for a few seconds before falling on the sidewalk.

"It's about Maria," Peggy immediately started after their orders arrived. "You know how Maria – well, I mean – uh …"

"… yeah?"

"I don't know what to do, Alex." Peggy sighed deeply. "I got, like, a massive crush on her. And I don't know how … well, what am I supposed to do about that?"

Alex frowned. And what was he supposed to do about this, now? Of course it was obvious how much Peggy and Maria liked each other, but Alex would lie if he said he'd noticed just how deep Peggy's feelings had been. "I don't know?" He finally answered, not sure what to say or do in this case.

"Ugh, why not?" Peggy pouted. "I mean – what are you doing about your own crush?"

"W-what?" Alex could tell by how hot his cheeks suddenly got that he was blushing furiously. "I don't have a crush!"

"And what would you call your relationship with John?"

"That's … our parents are engaged." Which shouldn't sound so depressing to his own ears as it did. "There's nothing I could do about that, even if I wanted to. I'd never sabotage my mum's relationship."

"You're so mature. I hate it." Peggy let go of his jacket to cross her arms in front of her chest. "I bet you're lying. In fact, I bet Ned 20 Dollars you and John kissed after we were gone."

"Why would you do that?!"

"You mean you didn't?" Peggy frowned.

"No!" What the hell? Alex pulled a face, even though he kind of wished he'd had the courage to do that. "I mean … we did come out to each other, so if it weren't for our parents getting married, that would be a good first step. What about you and Maria?"

"Yeah, we both know we're past that already. You're not helpful, Alex."

Alex threw his arms up. "Then don't make it this complicated and tell her how you feel!"

"And if she doesn't feel the same?"

"Then you still have a friend." Alex put a hand on Peggy's shoulder. "You really think Maria would want to let go of your friendship just because one of you got a crush?"

*

The theater club was relatively small compared to other school clubs, especially taking into account the number of students attending Yorktown High. This year, their only new member had been Lafayette, who was just as excited about it as the rest of them. They had decided on a play for the end of year ceremony, usually a big event which John's dad had never once in his life attended. It was safe to say he wouldn't come this year, either, so John didn't need to feel self-conscious about it at all. It was still a good eight weeks from Christmas, but everyone took their rehearsals seriously.

Which was why John and Lafayette went over one of the scenes as Herc hurriedly tried to prepare makeshift costumes in the backstage area. They sat on the stage, feet dangling over the edge as the tech kids discussed proper lights and whatnot.

"Say," Laf started and drew John's attention away from the text. "You look closer to Alex."

"What?" Frowning, John looked up.

"You seem like … better friends? If that makes sense."

John looked over the text again, without seeing any words. He couldn't concentrate on their scene right now, not when Laf said something like that out of the blue. "I guess it's because I came out to him?"

"Really?" Laf leaned in closer, their shoulders touching. "And what did he say?"

"Well, he said he was bi, so he doesn't judge me. I guess." John carefully set his copy of the play down next to him. "Why do you ask?"

"So, if Alex is fine with that, I mean … that's a big deal."

"I guess." John's frown deepened. "What are you going at?"

"Oh, nothing." Now it was Laf's turn to look very interested in the text. They continued after a short silence, though. "I mean … maybe if you thought something was off-putting and it really wasn't, that would mean it could be the same for me, too?"

"Regarding?"

Laf didn't make eye contact, which John knew they were very uneasy about, and started fidgeting with the pages of text in his hands. But after a moment, something clicked in place and he was pretty sure he got a better understanding about what Laf was trying to say.

"Who is it?"

"I think you know."

Before John could make an educated guess, said guess came up from backstage with a sewing kit and a white shirt in hand. "I think I have an idea," Herc said and threw the shirt at Laf. "Put it on, I'll take your measurements into account and with a vest on top, your costume should be almost ready."

Laf scrambled to their feet, almost falling off the stage. "You still want to make personalized costumes?" John asked, turning around so he could stay put but still watch Herc fiddle with the shirt Laf had pulled over their head.

"Yeah, I know, it's stupid." Herc shrugged. "It's more work than I can handle on my own, but still."

He was so passionate about his costumes, John almost envied that. In spite of everything Herc had to deal with on his own, he still made time to be a perfectionist at sewing costumes and doing the best work he could. "Have you thought about getting help?" John still asked, even though he already knew the answer.

"Who in their right mind would join the theater club to make costumes?"

"You." Laf looked over their shoulder as Herc fiddled with a few needles and pulled the shirt back a little. "And I think it's amazing."

Startled, Herc looked up. John hid his smile with one hand. He was pretty sure Laf worried over nothing here, but he'd bet all of his monthly allowance they didn't see it. He almost pushed the idea aside that sprang into his head, but decided to speak up nonetheless. "Hey, maybe you could ask Alex?"

"Ow!"

"Sorry, sorry!" Herc pulled his hands away from the shirt, holding a thin needle in one hand, as Laf covered their side with one hand. "Are you okay? I mean – both of you?"

"it's fine," Laf assured him.

"Well, yeah." John nodded. "I mean, you saw the costumes at the Halloween party. Ned is a genius, and I think Alex didn't sit next to him and wait until his own costume was finished. You know how he can be."

Herc barked out a laugh. "Yeah, I know. Still."

"You think he would join the club?" Laf asked, sounding more than a little doubtful.

"You can always ask him," John suggested, though it was aimed at Herc. "It's better than stabbing Laf or me to death because you're over-worked, right?"

Herc seemed to think it over for a moment, and then let out a deep sigh. "Guess it's worth a shot."

*

Even though they had spent over an hour in the coffee shop talking, Alex still was home earlier than John and not a bit sad about it. Something seemed to have happened over night because fall was in full motion outside; sudden gusts of wind, leaves getting swept up from the sidewalks still a bit wet from the rain last night, and dark clouds forming on the horizon like some sort of harbingers of doom.

The weather itself made Alex uneasy and a little jumpy, but not as much as his mum smiling that brightly while getting ready for an afternoon out with Henry. The man seemed so unapproachable and serious to Alex that he found it hard to imagine what his mum might see in him. Still, she seemed happy as ever as she sat on the kitchen table and held up her phone with one hand and corrected a few loose strands of hair with the other.

"You look fine," Alex reassured her as he sat down next to her and pulled out the homework from today. If nothing else, he could spend at least some time with his mum even though he had work to do.

"Thanks, sweetie." She pressed her lips to the tips of her fingers and put them on Alex' forehead.

"Hey, mum." Alex glanced over the essay he'd pulled up to his face. "Do you, like … ever want to marry Henry?" Calling him a dick to his mum's face would only get him more grounding, so Alex decided to stay on the safe side.

"Of course." Rachel frowned. "As soon as we have a chance to get John's siblings over here next spring."

Wait, what? Alex frowned back. "Say that again, but slower."

"You didn't know he's not an only child?" His mum placed a hand on Alex' shoulder. "You guys should definitely talk more. I'd love to tell you, but I have to go."

Alex sighed deeply, finally alone with his homework and thoughts. Or, well, he would be glad about it if it hadn't started raining cats and dogs just a few minutes after his mum left the house. That alone wasn't enough to make him squeamish, but just as he was about to turn on the lights, he saw a bright flash through the glass doors to the patio in the distance. Alex flinched away from the light switch, grabbed his homework and was halfway down in the basement before the first thunder made him almost fall down the stairs.

Luckily, there wasn't anyone around to see him shudder and stumble into his room, slamming the door shut with a foot and pulling the curtains closed as soon as he had dumped his textbooks onto the already overflowing desk. Not a second to soon, as new lightning flashed behind the heavy fabric and another thunder followed, this time louder and a lot closer. Alex basically dove under the bedsheets in a matter of seconds. And only then remembered that John wasn't home yet and he had a pet. Sitting outside in the garden. In this weather.

"Dammit," Alex mumbled, his voice sounding muffled even in his own ears. He could very well pretend to ignore this thought and leave Leonardo outside. Hell, he didn't even know how to handle a turtle or what weather it could withstand, but if it wasn't safe outside for this kind of pet, John would be in tears. Devastated. And after seeing his sad face way more often these past few weeks, that was the last thing Alex wanted.

He fumbled with the blanket, sitting up and throwing it over his shoulders. Just as much as he hated stormy weather and thunderstorms, he hated seeing John sad. Even if he kind of felt a little betrayed because he'd never known John had other siblings. Alex took a deep breath; his own ignorance and never asking didn't have a say in the matter right now. He needed to push that aside and get the turtle before something might happen to it.

*

John couldn't have seen this coming. Of course fall was good for a few surprises, but a full-on thunderstorm starting right after club? No way he could have predicted this! On one hand, he had to drive carefully and really concentrate on the street ahead, but on the other hand his head was swirling with worries about Leo. He didn't want anything to happen to his precious turtle after he'd fought so hard to actually get him and take good care of him!

Which was why he sped up a little as soon as he could see the house and didn't worry for a second about his parking job before grabbing his school bag, jumping out of the car and running into the backyard, mostly wading through the wet grass and mud and probably staining his school uniform. Until he stood in front of the enclosure, one hand shielding his eyes from the rain that had soaked him through in mere seconds.

But Leo was nowhere to be found. John leaned over the fence, tiptoeing around the mud and sinking into the soft earth a little more with each step, finally climbing over and carefully making his way to the small and not very deep pond, which was already overflowing. Thunder crashed somewhere above his head, making him flinch.

"Where are you, little guy?" He shouted, not even sure Leo would hear him, or listen to him.

Panic settled into John's stomach after another minute of looking around and even digging his hands into the pond. Leo wasn't a small turtle but still he had to check to make sure he didn't get in there. John swore under his breath; he couldn't even see clearly anymore because of all the rain and some loose strands of hair hanging into his face. Another thunder crashed loudly over his head, making him actually jump.

He hated to leave the enclosure, but if he was to find Leo, he needed help. "Rachel!" John shouted as soon as he got into the house through the patio doors. "I can't find Leo!"

Nobody answered him and the knot in his stomach tightened. John left his soaking bag on the floor and ran to the stairs, leaning over the handrail to look upstairs. "Rachel, are you home?" His voice sounded utterly alien to himself, high-pitched with panic, and his hands wouldn't stop shaking.

John raced into the basement, taking two steps at once and jumping over the last couple ones. He didn't even bother slowing down as he crashed open Alex' door, hitting it with his shoulder. "Alex!"

The room was completely dark, the curtains drawn shut and nothing seemed to move. There came only a shrill yelp from … somewhere near the bed. "Are you in your right mind?" Alex' muffled voice came from under the covers, something similar to panic in his tone.

"I can't find Leo!" John didn't even bother looking around or asking why Alex would have been sleeping at this time of the day. "Can you help me? I don't want anything to happen to him and the enclosure is empty and –"

"Calm down," Alex said, raising the covers just so much that John could make out the outlines of his face in the darkness. "And stand still, or else you're stepping on him."

John froze immediately. He looked around again and reached for the light switch. Alex made some sort of hissing sound and even John had to blink against the sudden light. After a few seconds, he adjusted to his new surroundings and found Leo on top of the covers, at the other end of the bed. Relief washed over him in waves and he couldn't help but sigh deeply.

"You gave me a heart attack, little guy," John said, walking over and kneeling right in front of the bed. He checked Leo from all sides and made sure he seemed fine, though a bit slower than usual.

The curtains couldn't block the light from outside all the way and just a few seconds later, another thunder crashed. The blankets shifted and John could hear a faint whimper even over the ringing in his ears. Which made him consider his surroundings again, mostly Alex' curled up form shivering on the bed. John frowned.

"Are you okay?"

"Do I _look_ okay?" Alex' muffled voice came back again. "Go away. And put out the light."

At first, John considered following the orders. But he couldn't very well leave the guy alone, right? He had never seen Alex other than mad or smug or talking non-stop about something he liked, so this was a brand new situation he didn't know how to handle.

When he didn't respond, Alex lifted the covers so John could see at least part of his face. His cheeks were stained with dried tears, visible even in the shadows the blanket cast over him, glasses askew and messy hair hanging into his face. "Go away!"

John stood up to move backwards slowly until he felt the door in his back, still never taking his eyes off Alex. He fumbled for the light switch. "Sure, okay, just … I'll be right back."

He didn't close the door all the way and didn't even bother about their 'floor is fair game' rule as he changed clothes in the bathroom and did his hair in a towel hat to dry. He definitely would have to shower later, but right now his concern for Alex kept him from doing anything even remotely productive. Well, except for going back upstairs and making a pot of coffee for Alex and a tea for himself. Now that his panic was gone, John started shivering. Running around in the rain without so much as a jacket to keep him at least partially dry had done things to his body temperature he didn't like.

So he grabbed the tea and coffee, made his way downstairs again and carefully opened the door to Alex' bedroom with one elbow. Alex was hidden by the covers again, but he seemed to kind of sense John's presence. "Go away," he sniffled.

John sat down in front of the bed, placing both mugs on Alex' nightstand. "Not until you talk to me. What's wrong? Can I help?"

Silence answered him. But John didn't move, he just crossed his arms on the bed and placed his chin on them, watching the blanket under which Alex still didn't move. He hadn't even turned on the lights again, just sat there in the dark, waiting. Which was all too familiar, but for completely different reasons. John didn't like the silence, it gave him too much room to think, but somehow the sound of rain soothed him and cleared his head. He couldn't explain this phenomenon even if held at gunpoint, but he was glad about it.

After a minute or so without another thunder, the blanket lifted maybe an inch or so. "Is it over?" Alex asked.

As if on cue, the thunder came back and immediately the blanket dropped down again. John stretched out a hand and patted what he assumed was Alex' head. "It's fine, we're safe in here," he tried calming the other boy down. At least he supposed that this is what was wrong; Alex was afraid of thunderstorms.

None of his little siblings had ever been, so John didn't know what else to say or to do. He just stroked the part of the blanked where he assumed Alex was and prayed he wasn't touching some weird part of his body. "Why are you still here?" came the muffled voice back.

John frowned at the blanket. "What, you think I can just leave you here all alone?"

"I'm not."

"Yeah, right." At least Leo seemed unbothered by the recent turn of events. "Thanks for getting Leo inside. I really appreciate it."

A gust of wind made the rain crash against the overhead window even harder and John could feel Alex shivering under the blanket. He didn't know if Alex was cold, too, or if it was purely out of fear. The whole situation was bizarre; Alex was supposed to be the mentally stable one, save for his aggressive behavior towards Jefferson and Lee.

"Seriously, I wouldn't know what I'd have done without you saving him," John continued as calmly as he could. Alex seemed to respond to him talking, for whatever reason, so that seemed a good enough place to start. "I really owe you."

"You bet you do," muffled Alex after a few seconds.

John laughed softly. "I made you coffee, is that a good first step?"

The blanket rose again. "Really?"

John peeked under it. "Really."

"You could also tell me why you'd never mentioned any of your siblings," Alex continued.

John frowned. Where did that come from, now? He was happy that Alex seemed to grab at the distraction offered by their conversation, but that sounded … almost offended. "I don't know," John finally answered after mulling it over in his head. "I guess there just never was a chance?"

Alex huffed and sat up, blanket still covering most of his body except for his face and an arm which stretched out from the dark mass to grab a cable hanging down from the wall. John blinked rather unintelligent as Christmas lights lit up over Alex' bed. He stared at the yellow, red, blue and green lights for a second before facing Alex, now illuminated in all of those colors. "Now is your chance?"

Which was an unfortunate turn of events. John pulled a face and slumped against the side of the bed before grabbing his tea. He didn't sip it, just stared into the hot liquid for a minute while trying to either find a way to drop this conversation or derail it. "You tell me why you're afraid of thunderstorms and you get to hear all about my siblings?" John finally offered.

Alex sighed heavily. "… yeah, okay. That's fair."

"You first." Because if Alex started talking, John could maybe conjure up a way to do this without crying.

"Okay, so." Alex cleared his throat. "When we – my mum, James and I – lived in St. Croix, we didn't have all that much. I mean, dad left us pretty early on when mum and I got sick, and a cousin took care of James during that time."

John blinked, raising his head to look at Alex. "Where the hell is St. Croix?"

"Just off the coast in the middle of the ocean," Alex said, gesturing loosely with one hand. He seemed to have forgotten all about the rain and the thunder, which now sounded further away. "Anyways, we had a small house dad left us after the divorce. It wasn't super stable, not like the houses around here, but that's what everyone had and we were happy. Hurricanes weren't all that uncommon, either. But you know how it is. Everyone thinks something bad always happens to someone else. Until it doesn't."

There was silence for a minute. Alex stared at a spot on his sheets as Leo made his way slowly to the side of the bed, looking down and back at John and turned around. "So," John said after Alex didn't continue. "That happened?"

"Uh, yeah." Alex seemed to actually shrink into his blanket. "We were pretty safe in the basement, but it was a close call, and there was just … nothing left. Bits and pieces of broken furniture and stuff like that, but … we couldn't salvage anything. We tried."

John didn't know what to say to that. Even just imagining that all his stuff, all the good memories he somehow managed to build, was just … gone. It made him visibly shiver. That sounded horrible, and explained so much about Alex' behavior. "I'm so sorry," was the only comfort he could offer in a quiet voice.

"We moved to the States after that," Alex continued, either not hearing him or ignoring what John had just said. "James and my cousin helped us out, just before he … damn." John looked up just in time to see Alex rub his face with one hand. He'd put his glasses on the bed and maybe it was the lights, but he seemed to sway slightly. "Just before he killed himself."

John stayed silent. Honestly there wasn't a thing he could say to make this any easier for Alex, and he couldn't imagine how much trust they had built between them for Alex to actually tell him things like that. He dropped his hand and John reached out, grabbing it and holding it tightly. He really didn't know how else to comfort Alex.

Alex cleared his throat again. His fingers moved around John's hand, grabbing back and holding on tightly, and maybe that was enough, maybe that helped even the tiniest bit. They were silent, listening to the rain and the faraway thunder and Alex didn't flinch anymore. Maybe he was getting better, physically at least. "Your turn," he finally mumbled.

John didn't let go of his hand. "Right." So much for mulling over his words. He took a sip of lukewarm tea and tried to make sense of his life. Which was harder than it should have been, but by God, keeping track of four siblings was a feat in and of itself. "So there's Martha, the oldest after me, then Mary, then Henry and James," he listed his siblings. "That … uh, I don't know if you remember that one day, where you caught me on the porch in the morning? I was actually … okay, wait a second. You need to promise me something."

"Anything," Alex said without hesitation, squeezing his hand a little tighter.

And John didn't even need to raise his head to tell he was serious. "Promise you won't tell dad a damn thing about any of this, okay? Not even let him know that you know."

"That's easy," Alex responded immediately, voice sounding grim. And when John looked up, he could see the seriousness in his face. "Of course I promise. And yeah, I remember that day. That was so weird."

"Well, I called Martha," John explained and couldn't help the faint smile on his face. "It was her birthday. We call each other sometimes on the landline since she's forbidden to have a cellphone. She's living with an uncle in England. He's taking care of her and the others. I wish I hadn't been so stupid right after, well …" Now it was his turn to take the bad memories out, speak them out loud and not lose his composure. He failed miserably as soon as the mental image of the burial was fresh in his mind and sat the mug of tea down to wipe tears from his face.

Alex didn't offer anything, just put his other hand over John's, too, and said nothing. Which was a small miracle, but he was probably just as helpless as John had been mere minutes before. He sniffled, wiping his face again and again for a few minutes, tears still stinging in his eyes. It had been so long since he'd last cried. There had been this small hope that whatever was wrong with him, it was slowly getting better. But maybe that was a lie.

He didn't know how long he was unable to say anything, but judging by the still faint thunder, it couldn't have been more than a few minutes. "My mom died a few years ago." He rushed out the words before the tears and the hurt and the longing for her embrace could cut off the words in his throat again. This was so embarrassing. "So my, uh … my uncle took my siblings in and shipped them off to England first chance he got. I was supposed to go, too, but I thought – hey, I couldn't leave dad alone after all this, right? I mean, he lost his wife, too. That was bad. But I miss them so badly."

John felt Alex pulling at his hand and looked up, frowning. But Alex still tugged at him and so he sat up, followed whatever it was the other boy demanded and soon they were both on the bed, curling up as to not take Leo's space away and hugging. John grabbed Alex' shirt, right where his face was buried at his chest, and shut his eyes tightly to keep the tears at bay. His other hand landed on Alex' back, stroking him in soft circles. Alex' breathing was rough, too, but he still managed to slip a hand into the towel hat John had built and stroked his wet hair. After even a minute, John honestly couldn't tell how their legs got tangled up like this, but lying there, being comforted and hopefully being comforting, too, that was nice.

And it helped. He couldn't say how long he had gone without an embrace, without feeling safely pressed against another body when his emotions wouldn't cooperate, but he had missed it even more than he could have imagined. He just wished they could stay like this forever.


	9. Happy Teenage Rebellion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I wrote most of this at 1am, and I think it shows. But my need for drama is satisfied.
> 
> Slight content warning for homophobia in the last scene.

"Pray tell, what the hell are we doing here, John?"

John smiled a little at Alex' incredulous look. Even more so at the fact that after the bad thunderstorm a week ago, he had taken to calling John by his actual name. He didn't know if he'd been imagining things, but something seemed to have changed between them, even if he couldn't point his finger on what exactly.

But it was enough that he had grabbed Alex by the wrist and basically dragged him into the auditorium, right in the middle of the theater club. A few students lingered in front of the stage, pointing at the text of their play and talking. Theodosia, the daughter of the theater supervisor, was among them and waved as she saw John walking backstage. He waved back.

"Herc wanted to ask something," John explained as they entered the costume area, where Herc was sitting in a heap of clothes and tried to make sense of any of them. "Hey!"

His head shot up and he looked confused for a second, then a big grin spread on his face. "Hi there!"

"Where's Laf?" Alex asked, looking around. "Aren't they in the club, too?"

"Oh yeah, they're getting us coffee," Herc explained as he stumbled to his feet, trying not to step on any of his works. "Anyways, good you're here, Alex. I wanted to ask something."

John took a step aside and smiled to himself. He was pretty sure that a 'no' was easy for Alex as long as he didn't see what the club was actually going through. They barely had any props as it was, and their costumes were … well, John didn't want to think about that. At least Mrs. Prevost could push for more funding once in a while and headmaster Washington seemed more than happy to approve and defend it in front of the board, so they got a few white shirts and dark trousers last week.

"I've got a few questions, too," Alex admitted after looking around with a big frown on his face. "For example, _what the hell_ are you doing here?"

Herc's grin never wavered, one of his best traits when handling Alex. "Trying to sew the costumes for our end of school year play. I'm kinda in over my head, though. Wanna join in?"

Alex spun around to eye John now, who was busy hiding his own grin. He poked a finger in John's chest. "That was your plan all along!"

"I don't know what you mean," John managed as innocently as possible, the smile still kind of tugging at his mouth.

"You _knew_ I couldn't resist once I've seen this," Alex said, gesturing to all the unfinished clothing. "It's a mess. Show me the play." He held out his other hand.

Herc shrugged behind Alex, looking incredibly satisfied with himself. "I've got a copy right here," he said, tapping Alex on the shoulder, and then went over to his bag to pull out the manuscript.

Not even five minutes later, Alex had already started asking questions about what kind of interpretation they wanted to do and was deep in conversation about clothes and sewing where John didn't even get the simplest of sentences. But he liked watching Herc and Alex, occasionally pulling a shirt or a vest from one of the racks, debating colors and patterns.

"Well." Laf stepped inside the costume area, balancing three iced coffees from the vending machine in their arms. "That was easier than expected, non?"

John let the smile spread all over his face. "One of my better ideas," he admitted unashamed.

He took one of the iced coffees from Laf and thought about drinking it. He knew it was for him, since he'd never disclosed to either Laf or Herc – and obviously not Alex, either – what he planned on doing. But he kept it, unopened, next to him and sat down with some additional safety distance from Herc and Alex and watched them work.

"Hey guys, we're almost ready for your scene!" Theodosia popped her head into the costume area, long dreadlocks decorated with gold hanging over her shoulders and a small frown formed on her face. "Hey, who's that guy?"

"Uh, that's our ami Alex," Laf said after both he and John had followed Theodosia's pointing.

"The same Alex who worked with Aaron over the summer?" Theodosia stepped inside fully now, dragging a long white skirt obviously lent by Herc with both hands.

"I think I've seen Aaron around the coffee shop," John admitted. He exchanged a confused look with Laf, then faced Theodosia again. "Why, is something the matter?"

"Oh, no, not at all." She waved John's concerns away with one hand. "I think he's good. Well, not _good_-good, but, y'know … thought provoking." John didn't know what she meant or why she looked so incredibly pleased with herself as she stepped over to Herc and Alex.

"Theo!" Herc's head shot up as soon as he noticed her and he clapped his hands. "Good to see you. How's the skirt?"

"Way too long," Theodosia groaned and pulled a face. "The sacrifices we make for good theater."

Herc laughed. "Yeah, I get you."

Theodosia smiled back. "And you also get that we usually don't allow people not in the club to join our rehearsals? Which are about to start, by the way, if you've got anything for us?"

"Absolutely!" Herc rummaged in a big footlocker John knew was full of smaller props, short swords and this kind of stuff.

"Don't worry, I'll get a form to sign up," Alex absentmindedly said as he compared Herc's text full of notes to the sheets of sewing patterns. He didn't even bother looking up, mumbling to himself how, "yeah, that could work" and "there's _got_ to be a simpler way".

Theodosia turned back to Laf and John, mouthing, "what the hell?"

Laf snorted. "You better get used to it."

"I don't even care." Theodosia waved with one hand. "Just … if Herc and he kill themselves, it's not my fault. C'mon, mum is waiting."

*

Alex hadn't even noticed how fast Thanksgiving had rolled around. Between school, homework and theater club, he had barely enough time to prepare the next Dungeons and Dragons session, something he had been looking forward to for a week now. Not only because he got to see Peggy, Maria and Ned again, but also because John was part of it. But they didn't have any time.

"I hate this holiday," Alex said and flopped face-first onto John's bed. The other boy sat at his desk, drawing like he usually did, and Alex wasn't even sure he'd heard him.

"You don't," John commented about a minute later, voice trailing off and lost in concentration.

Alex rolled around in John's sheets for a bit, freshly put on so they didn't really smell like John yet. Which was a shame, but he couldn't admit that this was the reason he spent more time on John's bed the past few days than his own. So much had changed in that one afternoon he didn't even realize how close they had become. It all just seemed so natural. But Alex was far from complaining, he just closed his eyes and made a noise into the pillow that could have been agreement or not. He was too busy reminding himself that this wasn't his own bed and he couldn't very well stay here for forever, even if he wanted to.

"James is coming around tonight, isn't he?" John asked after a while and sounded more available this time, which probably meant he'd taken a break.

"Eh." Alex tried shrugging. "He's called, I think?"

It wasn't like he didn't miss his brother, but the promise of a Thanksgiving dinner with Henry on the table wasn't something he looked forward to. "I thought you'd be happier," even John commented.

"I am!" Alex grabbed the pillow, turned on his back and held it tight in both arms. He now faced John, who had turned around and frowned. "I just could do without all the family responsibilities and stuff."

John snorted quietly. "Yeah, well at least your family is coming over."

That made Alex pause. "Your siblings aren't coming?"

"Of course not." John acted all nonchalant, though they both knew he missed them and would probably trade James for even one of them in a heartbeat. "I've asked dad a few days ago and he said they're only coming to the wedding. I don't know if he's sure about that, though."

"Well, mum said so, too." Alex sat up and threw the pillow at John, who yelped and let it fall to the floor. "You know she won't lie about this stuff."

"It's not about lying," John picked up the pillow and threw it back, "but about my dad being an egoist and an asshole who gave away his kids because he didn't have the time or will to care about them."

Alex still didn't get it. Well, partially he did, because his own dad had also left his mum to her own devices as soon as he didn't want to spend time with his family anymore, something about a debt or another and probably even another woman. So he understood what was going on, but he didn't get why this was happening and he wished he hadn't taken up that topic. John always smiled about almost anything, but Alex knew him long enough to tell when it didn't reach his eyes. But when it did … oh boy, was he _lost_ in that sight.

"Don't worry, I'm still happy James will be around." John stood up and grabbed a paper from his desk before flopping down onto the bed next to Alex. "Change of subject, what do you think?"

Alex took the paper gingerly and examined the sketch John had done the past minutes. He didn't have any knack for art so he couldn't tell how long it had taken John, just that it was damn good. He couldn't help but smile in admiration. "That it looks like a tiefling," Alex said after a minute of looking the sketch up and down; it was mostly black and white and showed a guy with an undercut and lilac horns in medieval clothes. "Damn, you know I don't know anything about this stuff, but it's great."

John smiled a little and this time, it reached his eyes. "Thanks."

"It's for your character?" Alex couldn't help but ask.

"Oh yeah, definitely." John leaned back against his side and Alex let himself fall back into the sheets. "Hey!"

Alex put an arm around the other boy's shoulders and held up the paper with his other hand. "Do you wanna become an artist?" He didn't have any clue about what he wanted to do after high school yet, but John had so much talent that it would be practically wasted in any other field. He felt John turn and put an arm around his stomach, and it took all his self-control to remind himself that just because John was gay, he wasn't necessarily gay _for Alex_. A shame, really.

"I dunno, dad wants me to go to law school." Alex could feel John's shoulders rise and fall with a few deep breaths he took. "What about you?"

"Oh, hell no." Alex shook his head, then looked down at John. "That's not about me right now."

"Oh, I thought everything is?" John smirked up at him before propping himself up on one arm.

Alex huffed. "Okay, yeah, maybe it mostly is, but – John! How could you waste away in a law office when you could do this" – Alex held up the drawing – "professionally."

"Eh." John let himself fall down again, right onto Alex' chest. "Let's not talk about it right now. I'm not in the mood to discuss my future with you when I have to spend all of tomorrow with dad."

At that, Alex couldn't say anything except, "fair point."

It was hard forming coherent sentences anyways, what with John lying on him and just … talking. About anything. It felt comfortable and not like the sort of thing soon-to-be-brothers would do, but then again, Alex had been in James' bed up all night and talking and laughing, too. The only difference was that he wasn't horny for his actual blood-related sibling. Which, okay, was a _huge_ difference. But Alex managed to push those thoughts aside for long enough to stay coherent during their conversation. Right up until John got up, took the sketch away and announced that he was going to use the shower now.

Alex rolled onto his stomach and pressed his face into the mattress to stop himself from asking if he could join. Which did nothing to stop his imagination, though.

*

John was truly happy to see James arrive the very same evening. Alex was, too, even if he tried to downplay it. He was smiling like no other time; genuine and wide, and his eyes crinkled and he laughed about his brother as he hugged Alex and put him in a headlock. But John also couldn't help being jealous; he missed picking up Henry and James and swinging them around, playing with Mary and her barbies and racing Martha for the last Twinkie before sharing it with everyone anyways.

He stood next to the kitchen table, arms crossed in front of his chest, as he watched Rachel shower her boys with love. Hugging both of them and telling James how happy she was to see him again, and that he should text more often. Even Henry nodded approvingly as James listed his grades. That was more acknowledgment than John had received in 15 years.

So he excused himself to the porch when nobody was looking. His eyes were beginning to sting and he wasn't sure how much more he could watch before full-on wailing like the baby he wanted to be sometimes. He didn't know how anything was so wrong with him that he missed his mom more than anything in the world. Which wasn't Rachel's fault and he didn't hold it against her, but if mom were here, they would all still be together and even though dad would have always been kind of an asshole, at least these times had been bearable.

John put both arms on the handrail and was glad for the hoodie he wore, or else it would have been way colder. He breathed in the cold November air and let it sting his cheeks until he was positive he could get through the evening without causing a scene.

"There you are," he heard a voice which made him jump. But it was only James, joining him on the dimly lit porch and leaning against the handrail with his hip. "Alex was looking for you."

John managed a small smile. "Yeah?"

"I think he was ready to drag you out of your room." James shrugged. "Anyways, he's disappeared."

Which meant that he probably spent some time in John's room, hoping he'd turn up soon and making the bed smell like himself. In and of itself, that wasn't a problem. But John swore his nights were more restless since Alex had started claiming basically everything in this room. Controlling his feelings had gotten so much harder, and not in a 'trying not to cry' way.

"How is college?" John asked since he had only heard about a third of this conversation or so before disappearing.

"Pretty good." James looked a lot like Alex when he smiled, though in a very different way. At least John's stomach didn't do any funny things when looking at the older boy. "I miss mum and Alex, but honestly classes are stressing me out quite a bit, so I don't have time to think about that. Still, it's fun and I wouldn't trade it for the world."

"That sounds amazing," John admitted quietly. It must be so fun to do things you actually liked, with your parent approving; he couldn't imagine.

"It is." James nodded. "And I can stop worrying about Alex, too."

"How's that?" John asked, frowning.

"The way he talks about you, you've become a positive influence of his life." James didn't face him directly but looked out into the dark garden. "He likes you a lot. It's almost like you're actually brothers."

That stung, but John kept silent. He couldn't very well tell James that this was the last thing he wanted. Screw being Alex' brother, he wanted to be something else for him. But their parents had sealed the deal with their engagement and this was probably the closest he would ever get to Alex. He just _had to_ be happy about that, he knew it. "Yeah … thanks." It was impossible.

"There you are!" Alex yelled before John could sink deeper into his self-pity. He felt an arm around his shoulders and when he looked at Alex, the boy was smiling and seemed so … content. It was a sight John didn't have the chance to see yet, and he felt like throwing up all of his feelings in the best possible way.

"We haven't gone anywhere," John pointed out, just to say something.

"No, but you will." Alex grabbed James' wrist with his free hand and started dragging them inside. "Mum says it's time for dinner. You two can have your heart-to-heart or whatever you were doing later."

Did John imagine this or was there some distance in Alex' voice?

*

Thanksgiving dinner went surprisingly smoothly. Nobody had even tried to bother mum in her preparations, as Alex and James knew better and had made John drive them to town to get coffee instead of using the coffeemaker in the kitchen. Which seemed to be confusing, as John had called it, and 'a whole other level of addiction, I swear guys, you're crazy' and stuff like that. Not that Alex bothered. Neither him nor James had a death wish.

Somehow, Henry had gotten permission to use all of three tiles to walk in and out during prep, and he wasn't dead yet. Mum really seemed to like that guy. Either that or he managed not to make half as much of a mess as Alex and James usually would. Or John, but the guy could starve himself for days if necessary and Alex wasn't about to test if he could do the same.

The point was, Alex hadn't seen this much food for Thanksgiving in years, even though they usually ate pretty good. Even John was on plate two and he and Alex had some sort of competition going on about who could come up with the best compliments for his mum's cooking.

"If I die and go to heaven and can have one meal for the rest of my life, that's it," Alex pointed to the table, mouth still half full.

"And if I die and go to hell, the worst torture would be withholding your food," John chimed in and wiped a spot of sauce from his chin.

James eyed both of them suspiciously. "Lighten up a little, guys. I go to college, I eat granola bars all day every day."

"Sucks to be you." Alex shrugged before grabbing the mashed potatoes.

"I'll pack you leftovers, honey," mum immediately promised. "But you seriously need to learn how to cook."

"He needs to get a wife after he graduates, anyways," Henry chimed in.

John and Alex frowned at each other from across the table. Alex was about to open his mouth with the first comment that came to mind when he felt a sharp pain in his leg and yelped instead, coughing up some carrots instead. "Ouch," he managed, eyeing John.

Who just acted like he absolutely _hadn't_ just kicked Alex in the shin. "Well, he needs a job first," John said and looked at James. "Any idea what you wanna do?"

James sighed deeply, pushing his elbows off the table as his mum gently gestured at him to do so. "It's my first semester, I got plenty of time to think about it."

"It's never too early to have a plan," Henry chimed in. "You should decide on a career so you have a clear goal to push through. And you two should think about what you're going to do after school." The last comment was for Alex and John, obviously.

"Summer break next year," Alex immediately said, grinning a little.

Henry sighed. "You know what I mean."

"Honey, I think he's got a point," even his mum said, siding with Henry. "Remember how you had _four_ dream jobs as a little kid?"

"Everyone has." Alex shrugged.

"Not at the same time, they don't."

"Well, maybe I'll get into costume design." That wasn't at all what Alex had planned, or even considered, but he'd spent so much time in the theater club recently that he could hardly focus on anything else right now.

"Where is that coming from?" Even James looked surprised, eyeing him from the side, and stopped his fork halfway to his mouth to wait for an answer.

"Oh, haven't I told you?" Alex knew full well he hadn't, just for the sake of dropping the bomb at a time he knew Henry wasn't allowed to blow up right in his face. "I've joined the theater club."

John choked on his slice of turkey. James frowned at him. And his mum's face broke into a big smile. "Oh, really? That's wonderful, honey," she said in the most sincere tone Alex had heard from her since moving in here. "But I thought you said you just waited up for John and were doing homework."

"Well," Alex shrugged and kept the smug grin off his face as best as he could, "I couldn't resist. They needed help with costumes."

But maybe he had underestimated Henry's willingness to pick a fight at Thanksgiving. "You're not going back there," he said firmly. "I haven't allowed it."

"Yeah, we don't need parental permission," Alex countered without batting an eye. "And last time I checked, you aren't my dad, either."

He looked Henry straight in the eye as the man seemed to grind his teeth. "I will be and my son, blood-related or not, will _not_ join a club for faggots!"

"And I don't give a damn what you think about theater."

You could cut the tension in the room with a butter knife. Alex knew he'd picked the worst possible time for this as soon as Henry was finished with their staring contest and put his silverware on the half-eaten plate. "I'll have to take this to the principal, then."

"You're going to what, tell him you don't see fit for someone to pick his clubs on his own?" Alex raised an eyebrow, but he had a feeling he'd just make this worse. Even his mum hadn't said a word, though he didn't think she would agree with Henry. What was she waiting for? She was usually the first in line to defend him.

John stared at his own plate, too, head down and making himself as small as possible. He chewed on his lower lip as if debating to say something or not, but he hadn't. Alex wouldn't make this about him, either. But he sure as hell wouldn't go around lying to people. He wasn't cut out for that, and if someone had a problem with his life, well, then tough luck. It was still his own and he would defend his decisions even if it killed him.

"This damn faggot club is _not_ making you gay," Henry snarled at him.

Oh, and if Henry just hadn't handed him something else right on a plate. Alex couldn't have asked for a better comment. "Yeah, it's not," he agreed. "It's a bit later for that."

"Alex," he could hear James hiss next to him.

"You see, I've already had my coming out at the last school," Alex continued. "So it's not making me gayer than I already am."

Henry stood and slammed his hands on the table so hard the silverware clinked against the plate and fell off of it. "How dare you, under _my_ roof –!"

"Enough!" His mum stood up as well. Maybe she was done waiting for whatever, maybe it was just the right time to intervene, Alex didn't know. But he couldn't help be glad about her support just now, because he didn't know what else Henry would have done, or said. "Calm down, you two. That's not a conversation we're having at Thanksgiving. And we're not debating club activities. If Alex wants to be in theater club, he's got my permission, as someone I fully support, blood-related or not."

Something clicked in Alex' head; he had planned not to make this about John even in the slightest. That wasn't his decision. But his mum did, intentionally or not. And John slowly raised his head to look at her, doubt clearly written on his face. Like he hadn't already been given support for his own decisions.

Then he faced his dad, "You're not pulling us out of the theater club."

The silence that followed was even worse than Alex could have imagined. Henry eyed them one after one, before settling on John. "Say what?"

"I'm sorry I lied," John continued quietly, not once looking at his dad. "But I've never liked Rugby. It's just not for me. I made Alex sign up in the theater club, too. My friend needed help and I don't have any talent for sewing. I'd rather wear the costumes on stage. We're having a big play at the end of the school year, by the way."

Alex felt like his chest was about to burst with pride. Not for him, but for John. For sticking up to his dad, even if his voice quivered once in a while, even if he looked like he'd rather be somewhere else. Even as Henry raised his hand and he flinched, making himself even smaller.

"Henry!" His mum intervened again. "Just what exactly do you think you're doing?"

"We're done with dinner, I will _not_ sit at the same table as these two when they haven't even learned to man up!" The raised hand didn't hit John but the table instead, making more silverware clink. A fork hit the ground and Alex didn't realize it was his at first.

"I think we're finished here, yes," his mum agreed at least partially with Henry and gave Alex and John a stern look. "Go back to your rooms, boys. I'll be talking to you later."

"But –" Alex was already half out of his chair, ready to protest.

"There's a time and a place for your 'but', and neither is now."

That shut him up alright. Alex bit his tongue as he scraped the chair on the floor, the only sound except for Henry's heavy breathing. "C'mon," James said all of a sudden and got up after he and John were already halfway out of the room. He put a hand on each of their backs and ushered them downstairs.

Alex felt John grab his arm, his hand ice-cold even through the pullover and his whole body shaking. As soon as they reached the end of the stairs, John let go again, basically storming into the bathroom. Alex and James shared a frown as they clearly heard John throwing up.

"Well done," James whispered. "You fucking _idiot_."

"Ouch!" Alex rubbed the back of his head where James had slapped him. He pouted at his big brother. "What have I done now?"

James raised both eyebrows, mouth slightly open and made a surprised sound before pointing to the bathroom. "Do you ever think about others?"

"Hey, I didn't try to –"

"No." James put on the same tone like their mum when she was finished listening to excuses. "You might _think_ you're not making this about others, but goddamn. Alex, you don't exist in a vacuum. Your actions and words have consequences, and not only for yourself."

James' words were like a slap in his face. Alex desperately wanted to protest this, but he didn't know how. Because as much as he had tried to defend what he did from himself, James was right. And he knew it. John would have never spoken up if Alex hadn't started the topic. Henry would never have blown up in their faces if they had maybe found a better time to talk about this. But all that had mattered to Alex was his own selfish desire for provocation, and he had gotten his wish alright.

"I should go apologize, right?" He managed through gritted teeth after a minute or two as the sounds of John throwing up had stopped.

"Yeah, to everyone," James agreed.

"I thought –" Alex already pointed at the bathroom.

"And you think he's the only one affected by your decisions?" James raised his eyebrows again at him. "You think Henry didn't want to have a nice, quiet dinner? Or mum? Or me?"

Alex looked down at his feet, quietly shuffling around the floor. "I … guess?"

"Despite your grades, you have never once started thinking in your life." James sighed deeply. "And if you don't want to go around hurting people, intentionally or not, you should start soon."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry.


	10. Fallout

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is kind of a "filler chapter"? I think. It's just super important to me to show how they're dealing with what happened last chapter. The plot will continue in 11!

It was well after 11pm as Herc finally answered his phone. John had refused to talk to anyone so far – not James, and sure as hell not Alex, and their parents were upstairs MIA. John didn't know what they were doing or talking about and honestly, that freaked him out more than the shouting or the hitting he'd have gotten by his dad. The knot of anxiety in his stomach hadn't loosened even after he couldn't help but throw up at the whole situation.

Which he explained as best as he could to Herc. "I _know_ he didn't force me to say anything, but I just … I don't know," John finished with a heavy sigh. "I mean, what did he expect? Was it too much to ask for a dinner in peace?"

Herc was silent on the other end of the line. His Thanksgiving had gone better, John knew; that was the first thing he'd asked. He didn't want to be a burden to others who already weren't feeling well, after all. Even right now, talking about his problems seemed so alien to him. There wasn't a last time he could clearly remember complaining about this whole mess and his dad. After all, what could he do to change it?

"I'm sorry," John continued after he hadn't received an answer for a few seconds. "I don't want to spoil your mood or anything. I just … don't know what else to do. I'm sorry."

"Stop apologizing," Herc immediately said. John heard him huff in the phone. "I don't know what to say to that, but you're not a burden, John. It's just … that's so fucked up."

"I know, right?"

"What are you going to do now?"

John stared at the wall from where he laid in the bed. He could faintly smell Alex, as usual, and it didn't do anything to brighten his mood. He didn't even know if he was allowed to be angry or sad at everything. Or what his dad might do now, which was honestly scarier than anything else right now. "Hope not to get kicked out and disowned?" John guessed after a minute of thinking it over.

"As if. From what you told me, Rachel would never let that happen," Herc answered immediately.

John closed his eyes and reminded himself that he wasn't, after all, Rachel's actual son. So she had only so much power. And he wasn't sure if she could keep whatever Henry was planning to do away from them. "I don't know," John confessed that he wasn't positive about any of Herc's thoughts. "I'm not even scared anymore – I mean, sure, I _am_. But not like at dinner. I'm just … disappointed. Who in their right mind goes around picking fights like, all the time?"

"Alex," Herc said and John could practically hear the frown through the phone. "No, wait, you said 'in their right mind'."

That produced a huffed laugh from John. He desperately tried to decide that he was done with the whole situation after complaining for the better part of an hour. And then thanking Herc for the rest of it because yes, Herc was his best friend, but the job description definitely didn't say that he had to listen to John and be understanding or supportive. Especially not if John had fucked it all up by himself. Granted, Alex had started this conversation, but neither of them had finished it.

After they were finished talking, John rolled onto his stomach. Why did Alex have to make everything so complicated? It wasn't enough that he went around being cute and made John fall for him, no – he also had to fight every human in a two mile radius at all times of the day. Including John's dad. How he'd managed not to alienate basically every person ever was a question John didn't know how to answer.

A soft knock on his door made him yelp and jump up at the same time. John didn't know how long he'd been lying here, bouncing his thoughts back and forth and running around in circles at the same time. But he was far from sleepy. "Come in," he answered softly, not even thinking for one second it could be Alex. Because Alex did not knock, which would end super weird sooner or later, John was sure about it.

It was James poking his head in, though. "Hey, you're not asleep?"

"Uh, no." John shook his head. "Everything okay?"

"With me? Yeah." James came in and quietly closed the door behind himself. So considerate. Sometimes John wondered how he and Alex could _possibly_ be related. "What about you? Feeling better?"

John pulled up his legs and relaxed a little against the wall. "Physically," he answered as he watched James sit down on the bed next to him.

"Good." James looked like he didn't know what exactly he did here, but at least he didn't leave, either. Company was good, company was what kept John from crying most of the time.

"What's up?" John asked as James made no move to fill the silence between them. Because as much as he liked company, he didn't like weird silences which could stretch for what felt like hours.

James shrugged. "I just wanted to check in. You haven't been a poster child for mental health this evening, you know?"

John barked out a quiet laugh. "What are you studying again, psychology?"

"I am," James nodded.

Which made John's attempt at a joke feel flat. How could he have forgotten? Or did he ever knew? He should definitely pay more attention to the people around him instead of being constantly blindsided.

"I've been worried," James continued.

"Alex will be fine." John waved a hand as if to dismiss those worries. "He didn't learn a thing from detention about picking your battles, though. He picks like, all of them. All the time.

"True." James nodded and then scooted to move his legs up the bed. "But I meant that I was worried about _you_."

That made John look at him in surprise. "What?"

"Is that such a strange concept? You're my little brother now, too, even if our parents aren't married. And you didn't look good after dinner. Is everything okay?"

Surprise turned into a frown and then slowly, John shook his head. In disbelief at what James said, but also in answer to his question. They didn't know each other for more than half a year and maybe had two or three conversations, but he was still way more supportive than his own dad. Which wasn't hard, if he was being honest. And if his dad was just a little more supportive, they wouldn't be in this situation to begin with. "I honestly don't know how to feel right now," John finally answered.

"Proud," James offered along with a small smile.

"What?" John raised an eyebrow. "For throwing up Rachel's cooking?"

James huffed a laugh. "No, about telling your dad what you want to do."

John chewed on his lower lip. That wasn't anything to be proud of, but to be scared of. He still didn't know how he'd managed to get even one word out during the whole dinner. "I don't know," he settled on an answer. "I'm not brave or good with words as Alex is. I just … it felt kind of right?"

"That's a good start. Don't be too hard on yourself." The smile James gave him seemed honest. "And don't ever think about backing away from that. You live your life to be happy, and not to make anyone else happy."

Which seemed like a strange concept to John. He had stayed with his dad so he wouldn't be lonely in the first place, without going after what he had wanted. If it were about him, he would be in England right now with the rest of his siblings, maybe even have his first boyfriend or whatever. Instead, he lived with his dad and couldn't ever be the person he'd grown up imagining. But what he'd said at dinner seemed like a good first step to become this person. Or the last one before John realized he couldn't ever bring himself to confront his honest feelings.

"If nothing else, wait for college to come around," James continued. "That puts a whole new perspective to everything."

"You sound so _old_ right now," John managed around a small smile he couldn't help.

James laughed at that, properly this time. "Yeah, I do." He let himself fall onto John's bed properly and John couldn't help but wonder if that was a sibling thing James and Alex had going on or if his bed was just that comfortable for people not sleeping in it every night.

"Tell me about college?" John asked because if nothing else, James was here right now keeping the tears at bay. And even if he was Alex' brother, he was a whole other kind of company, something positive, and John needed that right now. And James seemed more than happy to comply.

*

Alex didn't know how John could manage not to talk to him for about two weeks now. He had fucked up big time, James had made that clear already, and he knew he'd hurt John in a way he couldn't quite grasp. Which made apologizing so much harder when he didn't even know what for. His mum, of course, was disappointed in the way Alex had acted and blown off right into Henry's face, and Henry still couldn't seem to grasp the concept that kids, no matter how old, were their own people. Alex had managed to apologize to both of them in a matter of days. But John …

Their daily car rides were awkward, to say the least. Lots and lots of silence, and then Herc and Laf joined them and acted like there wasn't this awkward situation between Alex and John and he didn't know what to say or do. So he spent lunch by himself and talked to basically everyone in the theater club, except for John. Until it was time to go home and he couldn't flop onto John's bed and do his homework there, or even talk about what was currently on his mind with him, or even … well, be near him.

Alex managed not to sigh deeply, and pitifully, as they arrived at the school's parking lot and Laf and Herc were still yelling at each other about calculus homework. "This is _not_ how it works, mon ami," Laf said, throwing both hands in the air.

"I don't care, I just want the damn homework finished," Herc sighed heavily before shoving his textbook at Alex. "Here, show me."

"Isn't that your first lesson today?" Alex asked after looking the assignment up and down for a few seconds.

"Don't remind me," Herc groaned and let himself fall back into his seat, with Laf patting his head absentmindedly.

John never said anything, just pulled into an empty parking spot and put on the handbrake. He grabbed his bag and was the first one out of the car, locking it and rushing into the school building when Alex and everyone else was still figuring out the calculus stuff.

"Hey, what happened?" Laf suddenly asked and looked up. "Where's John?"

Alex pinched the bridge of his nose. "Somewhere he doesn't have to talk to me," he mumbled.

Laf and Herc were silent for a few seconds. Then Herc cleared his throat, "You know, you should really get over yourselves."

"I'm _trying_," Alex snapped at him. "I've been trying to apologize for _two weeks_ now, and he still doesn't look at me like I even exist!"

Herc threw up both hands and backed off a step or two. "I'm just saying, no need to yell at me, dude!"

Laf just shook his head. "You have _issues_."

*

It was hard to give Alex the cold shoulder. But to be honest, John didn't know what else to do. He made plans to be friendly, to act like nothing had happened, but every damn time Alex opened his mouth, John couldn't help but remember the Thanksgiving dinner. He wasn't one to hold a grudge, and it wasn't exactly this, but he didn't want to hear Alex' voice. Which made family dinner or school much, much harder than it needed to be.

Exchanging numbers with James had helped, though. At least James was easy to talk to, even if he was already back at college and in the middle of preparing a big project. But whenever they talked over text, John felt supported and hoped he didn't come across like a kid looking for acceptance and was equally someone James liked to talk to. It was even easier to explain to him why Alex was an asshole instead of Laf and Herc.

Such a shame that James wasn't available more often. Not that John would ever bother him with his mood swings and tell him he was about to run down a spiral of bad thoughts and jump into a pit of self-loathing every chance he got. Which was quite often the past few weeks.

Just like right now where John had taken to draw something and nothing would come out of his pencil. A few shapes and forms and then he'd scribble over them and groan in frustration before crumpling up the current paper and throwing it against the wall next to his door with as much force as he could muster. He was in the middle of throwing again when the door suddenly opened and the paper instead hit Alex square in the face. John would have laughed if he wasn't so frustrated.

"What?" John said and pulled out one of his ear plugs, frowning.

"Uh." Alex still looked like he wasn't sure what to say. He glanced at the paper at his feet, then back up at John. "Did you … was that … uh, on purpose?"

"No. Get out." John bit his lip. So much for giving Alex the silent treatment. He _talked_ to the guy now.

"I … knocked. You weren't answering." Alex started fidgeting with his hands, something he did when he was either excited or unsure of himself.

"That means you can't come in," John said and crumpled up another paper, blank this time, just for the sake of throwing it at Alex. He missed this time, though. "Close the door."

"Uh."

"From outside." John started looking for his eraser, something that hurt more when thrown.

"… okay then." John grabbed the eraser from a pile of brushes, whatever it was doing there of all places, and looked Alex in the eye. At least he didn't seem to be the only one who had been crying. Or rubbing his eyes a lot for other reasons. "Just … I'm sorry."

How often John had heard this phrase in the past few weeks, he still wasn't _over_ it. Maybe he should get himself together and start having a proper conversation, during which he still could decide to yell at Alex if he wasn't satisfied with the outcome. But he hurt and he didn't know how to stop it. John wasn't only bad at managing his feelings, he was also ready to jump off a cliff to make them stop. He groaned again, put his ear plug in again and drowned out the rest of the world with music as his head connected with the desk.

*

Alex paced his room up and down for about half an hour now, thinking over every possible scenario where he'd tried to apologize to John. He was not only getting frustrated, but also running out of ideas. And getting lonely. This was the third weekend of him being ignored and blowing up to Ned, Peggy and Maria about it. Who weren't helpful, either.

"Jeez, sit down again," Ned said and Alex stopped in the middle of the room, righted his bluetooth headphones and stared at his laptop with narrowed eyes.

"I'm not done, you know," Alex said as he put both hands on his hips. "I'll make him listen one way or another. Someday, he'll _have to_ hear me out."

"Dude, that's not how it works," Ned commented unhelpfully.

Alex huffed. "What do you suggest I do, instead?"

"Well, you got the right idea," Peggy chimed in, right in the middle of peeling off a face mask. Which was, quite frankly, disgusting. Alex refused to look at the part of his laptop screen she occupied.

"But?"

"Well, maybe you should listen to John and make this about his feelings and not about you finally apologizing," she continued, then looked at the perfect outline of her face she pulled off in one go. And held it in the camera.

"Beautiful," Ned deadpanned and shuddered visibly.

"One day you'll come running to me and ask, 'oh Peggy, how do you always look so flawless'?" Peggy grinned at them as she crumpled up the mask. "And then I'll say, 'that's because I know about basic hygiene'."

Alex was still stuck on the whole 'making this about himself again' thing. "What do you mean?"

"Well, first you wash your face and then put on –"

"Pegs, no," Alex and Ned groaned in unison.

"I meant," Alex continued, finally sitting back at his desk. "How is me apologizing to John making this about me … again?"

Peggy snorted, then looked him up and down and frowned. "Wait, really?"

"Yes, really!" Alex really tried not to yell, but he couldn't help himself. He threw both hands into the air. "Tell me, go on! I don't know what else to do anymore, so I might as well listen to you." He slumped back down into his chair.

"Well, what do you get from apologizing?" Peggy turned so she faced him full-on. "If you do this and just want everything to go back to how it was, that's, like, _so_ wrong. You shouldn't say you're sorry because you think that will make _you_ feel better. You should apologize because you actually know you've done wrong and hurt John, whether you understand why or how. You hurt him, and you don't get to expect anything from him."

That made Alex pause. Yeah, he'd tried apologizing because he hoped John would talk to him afterwards. He had hoped everything would work itself out. And that John wouldn't be hurt anymore, either, of course. But the way Peggy phrased it, that sounded like an asshole move even to Alex.

"Are you sure it's that complicated?" Ned asked.

"Am I – who do you think I am?" Peggy got close to her screen, the most incredulous look on her face. "Dude, maybe I don't have a clue about dating the girl I like, but I sure as hell can tell when someone is being a dick!"

Alex groaned and put his face in his hands. He was used to getting chewed out by Peggy for basically anything, but this put a whole new perspective on this whole apology thing. Maybe his head really was so far up his own ass right now that he couldn't even see what John was going through on his own.

"I think you broke him," Ned said after a while when Alex even hadn't noticed the silence.

"Then I think it's working," Peggy answered.

"I hate to admit it, but I think you're right," Alex finally managed. "I just … need some time to think Talk to you later?"

Peggy, for all the fury and yelling she could do, smiled at him. "Of course."

Alex signed off the call and put his headphones aside. What an asshole he was. And now here he was, in the middle of the night wallowing in self-pity because John wouldn't talk to him and it was his own fault. Alex was getting frustrated with himself, which was the best time for a midnight snack actually. Eating helped with his problems in almost no way, but maybe he'd feel better and get his head in order after a good, strong coffee and some crackers.

What he didn't expect was the light in the kitchen already turned on after he'd climbed the stairs. Alex frowned and debated going back to his room, not wanting to confront anyone right now, especially if it was John. But his need for coffee was stronger than his sense of self-preservation, so he tip-toed around the dinner table.

"Hey," he said softly after confirming that it really was John, going through the snack cabinet already.

John froze, then pulled his head out of the cabinet and looked at him. Chewed on his lower lip as he did so often when thinking about what to say. Alex shouldn't have missed this look; anything but the anger and disappointment he was getting from John the past few weeks. Which, honestly, felt like an eternity.

"You don't have to say anything, I just want coffee," Alex decided would be a good first step. He wouldn't make John listen to him, not after the yelling he had gotten from Peggy just a few minutes earlier, and rightfully so. Alex hated admitting his mistakes, but he figured that if he wanted even a tiny chance to mend his relationship with John, he _had_ to.

John climbed down the kitchen surface after getting a pack of crackers from the overhead cabinet, then set a second one right next to the coffeemaker Alex was currently employing. His hand lingered on it for a few seconds and Alex couldn't help looking up into that pretty face kind of hopefully. It took all his energy not to say anything, not to apologize again before figuring out the best way to do so.

"Sorry for ignoring you," John then said quietly.

He turned around to leave the kitchen and before Alex had a chance to even think about those words too long, he grabbed John's arm. Because John wasn't the one who had done something wrong. Yes, his silent treatment hurt, even more after Alex just couldn't comprehend what exactly he had done to cause it. But he wasn't letting John get away with this. "You're not the one who should apologize," Alex said, not even thinking about letting John's arm go. "But apparently, I did it wrong these past two weeks. So … let me figure out how I hurt you and how I should do it right, okay?"

John frowned at him as if he didn't quite understand what Alex was saying. He didn't say anything, though, only nodded and waited until Alex let go of him. It was hard letting John walk away, and Alex didn't have any honest idea how he managed to do it. But he still had some thinking to do before he could actually confront this mess of a situation, and the mountain of confusing feelings that came with it.


	11. Apologies and Surprises

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally, the angst is over. I think.

Alex took a deep breath, for the third or fourth time in the past minute, then raised his hand … and stopped right before it connected with John's door. Again and again. He finally had the words to apologize, but he wasn't sure about the timing. Was it too soon? Or, heavens forbid, too late?

Alex had never understood the people trying to get words out and then stopping because they felt like they couldn't breathe, couldn't form a clear sentence and their throat seemed to be tied. Right up until this moment. So Alex took a deep breath, shuffled a little closer to John's door and raised his hand.

Only to be met with John's confused face as he opened the door first. "Are you finished?"

"W... what?" Alex forgot to put down his arm for a few seconds, and when he remembered he also took a step back, not once stopping to look into John's confused face. Which did match his own feelings right now.

John sighed. "I've listened to your breathing and shuffling for the past five minutes, Alex," he said, shaking his head. "You're never at a loss for words. What's going on?"

Alex swallowed dryly. Then opened his mouth to pour out everything he'd been thinking for the past day, right after their encounter in the kitchen for a midnight snack up until now, which included all three hours of sleep Alex had gotten this weekend. But he stopped himself, because Peggy's voice nagged him in the back of his head. "I, uh … do you have a minute?"

"Well I've already had several." John made no move to let Alex into his room, but instead leaned against the door frame. Alex couldn't read his face no matter how hard he tried. John looked … tired. But what was going on inside his head was a secret he could take to his grave without Alex ever being able to figure it out.

"Was that a yes or no?" Alex blurted out because damn! What was he supposed to do with that kind of answer?

"Just …" John sighed again. "What do you want to say?"

Alex hadn't expected to get this far. He opened his mouth, but no words would come out. Every thought in his brain was tangled up into one another and what made sense in there wouldn't get him very far when spoken aloud. So he closed his mouth, cleared his throat and tried again. Only still the words wouldn't come out.

John ran a hand through his open hair and stood upright again. "If you just want to stare at me, I could take a picture and can get back to homework?"

Alex raised both eyebrows. "You're doing homework?" Which was a small miracle because John had never managed to even finish a small essay for the past weeks. He quickly held up both hands before John could answer. "No, that's not what I … I mean – that's good."

John didn't say anything to that. In the few seconds it took him to take a step back and grab the door, Alex panicked. There was his chance to talk to John, _finally_, and he'd blown it. That couldn't happen. "See you tomorrow, I guess."

"Wait," Alex grabbed John's hand. "Just … wait, please."

"Alex, I'm tired." Yeah, he could see that. "I don't want to tell you whatever you want to hear so you can feel better."

"It's not about me," Alex basically choked out the words. He couldn't help the panic rising in his throat. And he also couldn't throw away what very well might be his last chance. "It's … I know I hurt you. I don't know how exactly, but I messed up big time. And you have every right not to talk to me, like, ever again." A thought so scary Alex had to look down and blink away tears. This still wasn't about him, and he wasn't allowed to cry about it. After all, this was his own fault. "I just … I wanted to tell you that I'm sorry. I hurt you and that wasn't okay. I don't even expect you to forgive me or anything, just …"

A few seconds of silence followed before John softly asked, "Just what?"

Alex let go of his wrist and took a step back. He still couldn't bring himself to look up. "Nothing." He shook his head. "No, not nothing. I mean – if there's anything I can do, tell me. And if it's that you don't want to be friends anymore, that's … well, it's not fine. I'd hate it. Big time. But I guess I'd understand." His hands hung loosely at his side, not even fidgeting anymore. Every energy his nervousness had provided him with was falling away and all that was left was a tiredness Alex couldn't believe he had kept at bay for so long.

"You idiot," John breathed and not even a second later, Alex got pulled into a hug.

He didn't know what was happening or even what he was supposed to do. Being so close to John after such a long time of not being allowed to … it felt better than ever before. Alex wasn't sure if it was the right thing to basically grab John's hoodie so hard he could never let go voluntarily, but it was all he could muster. If there was even a tiny chance John would want to change his mind, Alex didn't want to think about it. He just wanted _this_.

"You goddamn idiot," Alex felt more than he heard John mumble into his hair. "I haven't been mad for a week and a half anymore."

Alex almost choked on his next words. "Then why …?"

"Because you're not getting away with hurting me and then forcing me to accept an apology."

"Fair enough."

Alex leaned into the hug a bit more, pushing his face into the crook between John's neck and shoulder and breathing in his scent for a good minute or however long they stood like this. He felt John's hand run up and down his back and hold him close and it was everything Alex could ever have wanted compressed right into this moment. This was all he would ever get, he knew that, but he also knew that he could never push too far again. Not if he wanted to lose John. So he took this moment and all the relief he felt, made a mental picture, and buried it deep inside his heart.

*

John was a little afraid of things being back to normal at first. He wasn't sure if it had been the right move to ignore Alex for two weeks straight and it had hurt him just as much as Alex obviously, but he didn't have any other way to deal with his mess of feelings. But the car rides were a lot less awkward, which was a plus, and he had Alex motivating him to finish his essays on time again.

"Just a quick coffee," Alex said as they came into the house after school.

"Yeah, and food," John nodded along, toeing out of his shoes in the entrance and then following Alex.

Rachel seemed to have been waiting for them on the couch in the living room. "There you are!" She smiled at them. "Coffee's already ready and there's a sandwich for both of you in the fridge."

John stopped dead in his tricks to look at her. He felt suspicion creep up on him and tried to push it down; Rachel never was anything than nice and considerate and he didn't want to assume things he didn't even know were true or not.

"Thanks, mum," Alex said, obviously not thinking twice about it, and made his way to the kitchen.

"Is everything alright?" Rachel sat up a bit straighter and put the magazine she had been reading on the coffee table.

"Uh, I guess?" John shrugged. Alex came back with a plate in one hand and his mug in the other. "Thanks."

"It's good to see you two made up," Rachel said, smiling. "I've got a surprise for both of you."

John's stomach turned all the wrong ways and even though he took the plate from Alex, he wasn't hungry anymore. He gingerly followed the other boy to the couch but didn't sit down. Unlike Alex, who flopped down right next to Rachel and made himself comfortable, grabbing the magazine with his free hand. "What's this?"

John bent down to look at the cover, which made the magazine out to be about vacation spots. "Are you going on vacation?" John asked as he stood up straight again.

"Well, Henry and I have been talking." Rachel's smile got even wider. "We thought a family vacation was in order. There's this ski resort you've been to once or twice, and we wanted to go there for Christmas and New Year's. The five of us."

John quickly counted in his head. "So … James is coming, too?"

"Of course."

"Whoa, that looks great," Alex blurted out and showed John the dog-eared page.

A hotel in the mountains with lots of snow, an ad for skiing and not quite cheap, either. Seeing the hotel brought back memories from when John had been really young, way before Mary was even born, where he would go skiing and his mom would teach him and they would have a good time as a family. If he made an effort, maybe he could even remember a smiling dad.

"Our last vacation was a few years ago," Alex continued while thumbing through the magazine. "We went to St. Croix to see my uncle, for like a weekend. That looks great!"

John sat down the plate on the coffee table, suddenly relieved it wasn't all bad news. He sat next to Alex to put his chin on the other boy's shoulder and look at the pictures in the magazine, too. "Oh, yeah, I remember it," he finally said, smiling. "It took me almost a week to not fall over as soon as I had skis on."

Rachel laughed softly. "Then you can teach Alex."

John snorted and ducked as Alex used the magazine to hit after him. "Yeah, we'll see how that goes!"

"I'm not _that_ stupid," Alex protested but John saw him smiling, too. "But isn't the hotel already full? That looks expensive and if you booked it just now …"

"Oh, no, Henry knows the owner and he had three rooms open," Rachel explained. "You both will be sharing one, if that's alright?"

John and Alex looked at each other for a second, then shrugged simultaneously. "Sure," Alex answered.

"Yeah, of course."

"Great." Alex handed his mum the magazine. "And we've booked it for a while, but whatever was going on between you two, we didn't want to interrupt your … moods. We wanted to announce it on Thanksgiving, but you know how that went."

John couldn't help but feel guilty. A perfectly fine evening ruined, and for what? His and Alex' first big fight. And hopefully last. "Sorry," he mumbled.

"It's fine." Rachel waved his apology away with one hand. "The important thing is that you've talked it out. Which I hope you did."

"Yeah," John answered quickly. He didn't like this, being basically interrogated about his questionable decisions. Just as much as Alex didn't like it, judging by the uncomfortable shifting on the couch and the loud sipping of his coffee. "You know what? Alex actually wanted to help me finish an essay."

John nudged Alex in the ribs with his elbow before he could protest. "Absolutely," Alex choked out, coffee not fully down his throat. He coughed a few times. "And I want details on that vacation!"

"Help me with dinner in an hour or two?" Rachel offered.

"I will," John offered, curious about this whole ordeal too.

"No, I will! She asked me!" Alex looked at him with raised eyebrows and a frown, wanting to make it clear he was supposed to get those informations.

"I can cut vegetables, and you?" John stuck out his tongue at Alex.

Rachel laughed. "You can both help. Now go do your homework, both of you."

"Yes, ma'am," John said, already hopping to his feet and offering Alex a hand, too. "Come on, I was serious. I didn't listen in English."

*

"Hey, you know what is up with them?" Laf asked as they sat down next to Alex during lunch.

He looked up from the half-finished essay he was skimming over and then frowned at John and Herc, right where Laf was pointing. "I don't know," he shrugged. "They shooed me away, something about 'girl talk' or whatever."

"That's … weird." Laf eyed the thing that was supposedly chicken skeptically. "They just told me they're skipping theater today."

Alex frowned. "What, why?" He took a pen out of his pencil case and threw it at John. "Hey, Laurens! What's that I hear?"

John turned around to him, right from the other end of the table, as the pen hit him on the arm. "What, Hamilton?"

"You're not skipping, you need to drive me home!"

John rolled his eyes, first at Alex and then at Lafayette, who just smiled innocently. "We'll be back before it's over, promise," John yelled back, then gestured that he want to be left alone with his conversation with Herc. And pocketed Alex' pen.

"What the hell is up with them?" Alex sighed.

"I don't know, but I wanted to ask something." Laf shoved the supposed chicken aside. "Say, what do you buy for Christmas for someone you like?"

Alex frowned at them. "What do you mean, like?"

"Like … _like_ like." Laf gestured with both hands and sighed. "English is so hard."

"Oh!" Alex put both arms on the table and leaned forward. "You mean like a crush?"

"Yes! That's the word." They didn't look happy about it, though.

"Uh, I don't know," Alex admitted. "Depends on the person, I guess?"

"Well, what are you getting John, then?"

Flustered, Alex leaned back and felt his cheeks burn immediately. His mouth dropped open, but no words would come out. "I – but – that's not –"

Laf just looked at him, slowly raising an eyebrow. "Do not lie to me, mon ami. You are bad at this." They could be persuasive all right. "I need this knowledge."

"For your own crush?" Alex couldn't help but lower his voice. "Well, fine. We'll work it out if you tell me who it is."

It was like a staring contest with John's turtle, blinking slowly and deliberately and usually, Alex lost. This time, though, Laf sighed and looked away, just as they leaned forward and whispered, "It's Herc."

Alex was glad he didn't drink anything, for he was sure he would have spilled everything over his essay. He looked to John and Herc, who were frantically whispering to each other, too. And then imagined Laf having a crush on Herc. "For how long?" Alex had to ask. He would never get a good night's rest until he knew.

"For as long as you tried to hide your crush of John?" Laf offered.

"That is _not_ helpful," Alex growled and couldn't help getting red in the face. "Like, for forever you mean?"

Laf shrugged. "Like I said, you are bad at this."

"Why are you always judging me?" Alex leaned back and crossed his arms in front of his chest. "I'm not quite willing to help if you keep this up."

"Just say you don't have a clue, either, then."

Which was absolutely true, but Alex had no intention of admitting it. At least not for a full ten seconds, until he broke under Laf's gaze. "Okay, _fine_. I don't know anything about this stuff. But neither do you, so you can't hold that against me!"

"Quieter!" Laf looked ready to strangle him if Alex kept the volume of his voice up, which wasn't a death he wanted to experience just yet.

"Fine, fine," he went back to whispering. "Just … I dunno, get Herc something he wants? Or something you made yourself?"

Laf laughed dryly. "You have obviously never seen me with scissors." They held up their hands. "I only use those for children, which is why I still have all my fingers." They wiggled them as if to proof a point.

"Well, what would you suggest I get for John, then?" Alex asked provocatively. He was met with silence as Laf still inspected their fingers as if trying to catch themselves with a lie.

"What do you like to say …" They looked up and right into Alex' eyes. "Like hell I know?"

"Eh," Alex shrugged, "close enough."

*

John felt a tiny bit sorry about not spending lunch with Alex and Laf. But he had made a promise to Herc to keep this a secret, not even talking to Alex about what he wanted to get Laf for Christmas. His crush was more than a bit obvious, but going by Alex' history, he was as oblivious as could be.

Of course John would still pick them up after club, but a quick trip to the mall was in order just now. Though Herc looked as clueless as when he first had asked John what to get for a special Christmas present, even as they wandered around and looked in the shop windows. "This is hard," Herc grumbled and stopped, pushing his hands deep into the pockets of his jacket. "I mean, I'm not even sure they like me back and –"

"Hey," John interrupted him and put a hand on Herc's shoulder. "You can just get something nice for a friend, too."

"I know." Herc didn't meet his eyes and instead looked around the jewelry shops they were surrounded by. "But isn't that a commitment or something?"

John shrugged. "How should I know? I'm just as clueless."

"True, or else you'd have made a move on Alex months ago."

"Hey!" John shook his head. "That guy is my step-brother!"

Herc laughed dryly. "And has that ever stopped you?"

"Uh, obviously?" John fidgeted with the hems of his jacket. "I mean, I can't go around buying super nice things and be like, 'oh yeah that's for a relative' and people won't look at me weird, you know?"

"I don't even know what that's supposed to mean," Herc shook his head, but a small grin was back on his face. "And I'm not sure I want to."

John punched his best friend lightly on the arm. "Then shut up and let's find Laf something cute. You know what they like, right?"

"I think?"

John sighed. "You've spent more time with them than with me since school started, you do realize that?"

Herc frowned at him. "You think so?"

John grinned back. "I _know_. And I also _know_ that your gift will be worth everything to them." Of course he wasn't sure a 100 percent, but he couldn't let Herc know that. There was still even a tiny chance Laf had meant someone else right before he confessed his crush to John a few weeks ago, but he seriously doubted it. And at least one of them had to act confident. John was sure he would be in over his head when he went present shopping for Alex, too, but this wasn't about him. This was about his best friend and his crush.

After another round of window shopping, Herc suddenly stopped, pulling John to a halt as he grabbed his arm. "What about this?"

John took a step backwards and then looked at what Herc pointed at in the jewelry shop. It was a small silver necklace with a white cherry blossom and two tiny bells as charms. It looked simple, yet they both were pretty sure Laf loved flowers and in a way, John found it pretty cute. "I bet they'll love it," John agreed without a second thought.

Herc sighed with relief. "Thank god," he said. "That was way easier than I thought."

John couldn't help but grin. At least one of them was successful. And it wasn't even as expensive as Herc had feared, so they immediately got the necklace. Okay, after a bit of persuasion, but now Herc didn't have a way to back out of this whole situation.

"And what about you and your 'step-brother'?" Herc said after they left the shop and even had the audacity to do the air quotes.

John groaned and put a hand over his eyes. "Let's just not talk about this, okay?"

*

Doing homework felt so much better when Alex was able to lie on John's bed. They had been back to this routine basically from day one after they made up, and Alex couldn't be more happy about it. There still was a thing bugging him, though. "Why did you skip theater club today?" He asked as they were just finished debating a particularly tricky calculus problem.

John looked up from where he had made himself comfortable near the head rest, legs pulled up and his textbook used as a support to write on. He looked behind Alex where his legs dangled just off the edge of the bed and then back into his face. "We went Christmas shopping," he finally answered.

Alex propped himself up on both arms. "It's not even December yet," he reminded John. "Don't tell me you just want to sit next to everyone else struggling until the last minute and feel smug?"

John laughed and Alex was pretty sure he would never get tired of listening to this sound. "Not for me, for Herc," he explained.

"Oh, really?"

"Yeah?" John put the textbook aside and faced Alex directly. "Why?"

"Oh, just because." Alex waved a hand, smiling slightly. "Laf asked me about that, too. Who was the present for?"

But instead of answering, John raised both hands over his head and grinned. "I was _right_! Ha!"

Of course Alex liked to see him happy, it made him smile, too. But he couldn't help the puzzled look he shot John. "What is it?"

John crossed his legs under his body and leaned in a bit closer. Almost so close that Alex could put his head into John's lap if he wanted to, but instead rose his head higher so they were almost on eye level. "Get this: Herc has a huge crush on Laf."

"What?" Alex started laughing while shaking his head. "No way! Laf told me they got a crush on Herc!"

John joined his incredulous laughter. "That's just _perfect_."

Alex stopped to consider something, though. "But they think the other one doesn't like them back, right?"

"Of course." John rolled his eyes. "That's what I've been working on for weeks now."

Alex sighed. "This is either gonna end super well or we're gonna have to hide bodies."

John snorted, then fell to the side so he could lie his head down next to Alex. "We'll have to make sure they get a happy ending, then. You know that, right?"

It was so cute how excited John got for his friends. Of course Alex was happy to hear Laf's worries were arbitrary, but it was way better to watch John roll around the bed and finally stopping with a wide grin on his face again. "Of course," Alex confirmed softly, and silently added: _I'd do anything to see you smile like this_.


	12. The Present is a Gift

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Half of this was written on my way to work each morning. Also half my mornings were spent panicking because I looked up and didn't know where I was for a second. What has this fic done to me…

Alex and John were one of the first to arrive at the coffee shop. They looked around to find a nice booth to sit, and since it was almost empty they decided on the biggest table there was. "Aaron isn't working today, is he?" John asked after Alex sat down next to him.

But all Alex could do was shrug. "I don't know," he admitted.

He hadn't given it much thought, nor did he actually care. Of course he and Aaron hadn't become sudden best friends just because Alex had taken a summer job which happened to be in the same shop Aaron worked part-time, but he at least had thought they were friendly. Until the actual school year had started and with it, Lee and Jefferson had arrived.

"He is," someone said, making Alex jump. Behind them in a booth sat Theodosia, turning around grinning and waving at them. "Skipping theater again, I see?"

Alex returned her wide grin. "And it appears we aren't the only ones."

Theodosia laughed. "Yeah, mum will kill me."

"Better you than us." John shrugged, but he was far from hiding his smile, too.

"You know, sometimes I don't even know how you have friends," Theodosia said, shaking her head in disbelief. "You won't happen to know when Aaron usually comes in, would you?"

As if on cue, the small bell above the door rang and as they turned to look, a rather disheveled looking Aaron arrived and basically dove behind the counter. Followed by the laughing Herc and Laf. "That was quite rude, mon ami," Laf said, one arm hooked around Herc's.

Alex looked at John, who raised his eyebrows, and grinned. In the weeks between their talk about their friends and today they had taken to sharing looks whenever those two even shared the same space and honestly, Alex couldn't complain. He liked being in on secrets, and he definitely liked talking - or, well, _looking_ about them with John. Also it gave him a small, pleasing twist in his stomach whenever John looked him in the eyes, no matter how hopeless the whole situation between them was. At least Alex liked to pretend there was a situation.

Herc and Laf slipped into the booth, sitting opposite them and still laughing about whatever they did to Aaron as they too placed their gift bags next to Alex and John's. "You're rude," Theodosia claimed as she stood up and made her way to the counter.

Alex and John shared a look. John honestly seemed to wonder whether they had just pissed her off or if there was something else going on, but Alex could only shrug. As if he knew what was going on in other people's heads!

"You two are weird," Laf announced this instant. "What is going on?"

John frowned at them. "What do you mean?"

"You totally had a silent conversation," Herc laughed, pointing at Alex and John and laughing. "That's such a -"

He stopped as Laf slapped him on the arm. "You shut your mouth!"

Alex didn't wonder for long what the hell was going on in Laf and Herc's minds as the doorbell announced another customer, Alex turned his head to look.

"There you are," Peggy yelled, jumping up and down and basically running toward them. It was a flash of bright pink with her skirt and the matching sweater with white polka dots on them. She practically jumped over the table to give each of them a big hug.

"Pegs, you're strangling me," Alex complained halfheartedly and hugged her right back.

Ned followed more slowly, casually pulling down his plaid shirt and shoving his hands into the pockets of his jeans. For a second, Alex wondered how they had the time to go home and get dressed as they were meeting right after school had ended. But he quickly realized that the only people in school uniforms were the other four of them. Because he didn't go to the same school as Ned and Peggy anymore and couldn't see them every day. Alex silently sighed.

"Where's Maria?" Ned asked as he took a chair from another table.

Peggy just slipped into Alex and John's side of the booth and put her legs over John's. "She said she skipped school today and is driving home from a state away," Peggy informed them, pulling out her phone open on a conversation. All Alex could see were bright pink and red heart emojis, though.

"And you didn't tell me earlier?" Ned asked and grabbed her phone.

"Hey! Asshole!" Peggy flushed bright red as Ned thumbed through her messages.

Grinning, he handed the phone back after a minute. "You did _not_ miss her the most."

"Did too!" Peggy stuck her tongue out at Ned and stuffed the phone into one of her skirt pockets. Only then did she pull out a quite massive gift bag out of her backpack.

"So that's why I had to lend you all my notes," Ned commented dryly.

They only had to wait a few more minutes until Maria arrived. Her skirt was even shorter than Peggy’s and a dark red plaid, matching the black blouse under her jeans jacket. Alex carefully looked at Peggy, trying not to stare to obviously. Unlike his friend. Her eyes almost fell out of her head and she blushed a little, pulling at her skirt and then standing up to greet Maria with a big hug.

“She couldn’t be more obvious,” Ned mumbled just loud enough so they wouldn’t hear him.

Alex chuckled. “You know her, she can’t keep a secret to save her life.”

“I missed you guys,” Maria greeted them after Peggy let go of her, pulling up a chair next to Ned and setting her gift bag next to all the others on the table. “Boarding school is hell. I had to sneak out into the ‘city’,” she did air quotes, “every night to get your presents. There’s not even _one_ teacher who wouldn’t expel me for doing this.”

“Isn’t that your goal?” Herc asked and leaned on the table to look at her. “I mean, then you’re free?”

“Yeah,” Maria leaned back and dramatically draped an arm over the backrest of her chair before sighing deeply, “but then my parents would expel me _from life_.”

Alex snorted. “You’re such a drama queen.”

He then took their orders and went over to the counter, not very subtly glancing at Theodosia, who just chatted up a quite flustered Aaron. It was funny to watch them, not only because Theodosia was straight forward and never afraid to speak her mind, but also because Aaron was the complete opposite. She smiled and leaned over a bit further and he took a step back, smiling back politely and keeping his arms in front of his body.

“What’s the deal with them, Hamilton?” Nathanael chatted him up. He was another barista who Alex had liked quite a lot during his summer job. Tall, dark hair and handsome, and a welcome distraction looks-wise from John. Not that anything was wrong with John, but thinking about him too often led to Alex being distracted and that led to a whole bunch of other things he'd rather keep out of his head in public.

“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you,” Alex answered, shrugging. He then relayed all the sweet drinks his friends ordered to Nathanael, adding a black coffee with an extra shot espresso for himself.

“Dude, you’ll get a heart attack at, like, 18 or so.” Nathanael raised both eyebrows. “But I’m done talking you out of this. Just so you know, I don't know the faintest thing about CPR. Unless movies count.”

Alex couldn’t help his grin. “Thanks, man. And please never do movie CPR to me, just … let me die.” Even though Nathanael was a few years older than him, he had never judged Alex once and after this one incident with a cup filled only with espresso shots and their manager, Montgomery, mistakenly thinking it was his, they were in on trading the latest gossip about weird management and customers alike.

“Are you gonna come back this summer?” Nathanael asked as he placed all their orders on a tray. "It's gotten boring. I can't get Aaron to gossip!"

Alex paused before grabbing it, thinking for a moment. He didn’t even know what he was going to do at the start of next year, let alone right in the middle of it. And, of course, his mind and gaze wandered to John, silently wondering what the deal was with him and how in the world Alex was supposed not to blow up his life in a matter of minutes if left alone with him too long. Maybe _he_ was the one expelled from life before next summer had even a chance to come around the corner.

“Okay, forget I asked,” Nathanael said. “I don’t want to hear an essay.”

“Maybe,” Alex decided, shrugging.

Nathanael leaned over the counter, right into Alex’ space, and smiled. “Get me an answer, preferably a ‘yes’, and the drinks are on the house.”

That made Alex laugh. “I’ll think about it.”

Coming back to the table, Herc and Laf tried their best to hide their curious looks. Unlike Ned. “Who’s that and why were you flirting with him?”

Alex pushed the gift bags aside with the tray a little to set it down while trying his best not to let go in shock. Or worse, blush. “He’s _way_ older, no way I was flirting with him!” He defended himself. He hadn’t even noticed it could come across like that.

“Sure you were,” Ned insisted.

Which made Alex roll his eyes. “Dude, Nate’s not into kids. I would know. I’ve worked here all summer.”

Ned held up both hands in defeat. “Okay, okay.”

Which, Alex knew, meant more than he was ready to say right now. And he wasn’t afraid to turn that whole conversation right over, and not only because he wanted to show John that, indeed, he was _not_ trying to flirt with a former coworker. “I’ll tell him you’re interested, though?”

“You would never.” Ned grabbed his caramel coffee. “And that’s not why we’re here. Maybe I’ll come back without you and then I’ll have a nice boyfriend myself.”

Alex couldn’t help but chuckle, right as John raised an eyebrow at him and then Ned. “Good luck, he’s around 20 or something.”

“Enough!” Peggy yelled and clapped her hands loudly. “Guys, as much as I love you trying to sabotage your love lives, I want _presents_!”

John smiled at her in a way Alex knew was somewhat grateful. “You’re absolutely right.”

Which was when the chaos started. Every gift bag contained multiple, mostly small gifts and as seven teenagers tried to get theirs to their friends, Alex lost track of whose arms went where or what was he supposed to grab or give really quickly. More than once, someone - mostly Peggy or John - managed to bump into him, knocking his presents out of his hands and he was laughing so hard after a minute, he couldn’t pull himself together.

John leaned into him, their shoulders touching and smiling equally happily. “That’s the weirdest thing I’ve ever done,” he said as his smile only grew wider. “Whose idea was it, again?”

“Sure as hell not mine,” Alex answered, laughing.

Then he watched as Herc and Laf exchanged their stuff. Of course, Alex and John had talked about them at length, not only their crushes but also their gifts and they could see Laf shyly accepting what they knew was a really pretty necklace while not meeting Herc’s eyes. “It’s way better than cinema,” John mumbled.

Alex nodded. “Yeah, we need popcorn.” Then he grabbed one of the bigger gifts out of his bag and handed it to John. “Here. Just don’t open it before Christmas.”

John eyed him in a way Alex didn’t quite understand. “I know the rules?” He gingerly accepted the gift, frowning at it and then looking up at Alex with a smile. “Thanks. And that’s for you.”

It was a small, long box and Alex couldn’t be happier about it. For once in his life, he actually had money to buy stuff he knew his friends would like. And he got something back from the boy he not only liked, but fancied. It was a small gesture, handing things over was what they were here for basically, but his stomach still danced around funnily as his fingers brushed against John’s. “Thanks,” Alex managed quietly, not quite looking at John but still smiling wide.

"That's way too sappy for me," Ned said and reached for his coffee, which Maria had taken to drinking and pushing her own aside.

"Move away." Maria glared at him as she put both hands protectively over the mug.

Alex laughed quietly. He wasn't sure what to make of that comment or the whole situation, he just knew that he couldn't be happier than right now, just a few days before Christmas, sitting here and chatting and laughing with his friends.

"Hey," John said and nudged him. "You know we gotta go soon, right?"

Alex sighed. "Yeah."

"What?" Laf raised their eyebrows. "Why?" They looked seriously shocked.

"James is coming home, he said he'll be there by six," John explained and waved his phone at Alex. "Actually, he's a few minutes late because his train wasn't on time."

Alex didn't know this right until now and he grabbed John's arm to still his waving. There was a chat open with James, which made him frown. Not because John and James had apparently become texting buddies or whatever, but for a very different reason. "I'm his brother, he should tell _me_ this!"

John chuckled. "When was the last time you got a major update yourself and not relayed through me or Rachel?"

Which, okay, he couldn't argue against. He was so bad at arguing against things where he knew John was right. Which happened more often than he'd like to admit. Still, Alex huffed. "Yeah, fine. We'll leave when your coffee is finished."

*

Alex had never even seen a hotel this big up close. It was surrounded by snow-tipped mountains and the sky was a bright blue, making everything look surreal and so … bright. He didn't know how else to describe it. Even the snow around them seemed to reflect every bit of sunlight and the colors all around, and even the white of the hotel seemed to shine on their own. Alex pushed up his glasses and pressed the heels of his hands against his eyes. He couldn't _see_, for God's sake!

"You okay?" James asked next to him.

"Yeah," Alex mumbled. "Just turn down the sun a bit."

John, somewhere even further on his right, laughed. Of course he did, he had pretty neat sunglasses and also the mind to put them on as soon as Henry had steered the car on the road up the mountains. He felt something touch the back of his hand. Alex fumbled blindly for a bit and then put on his own sunglasses thanks to James.

"You'll be fine, give it a few minutes," Rachel told him. Alex looked at his mum through the rear-view mirror.

His sight was still a bit blurred and filled with funny white spots, but it got better almost immediately. So good that he turned to look out the window and could actually see a few colorful spots; people, he noticed, going up and down the hill, skiing on the mountain right next to the hotel, or standing on the side of the street. Most of them wore sunglasses, too.

The view was breathtaking. Quite literally so, as he knew they were well above sea level and the air up here was a bit thinner. Alex hadn't been on a rich people holiday, nor had he ever dreamed that it could be possible. But here he was, with some of his favorite people in the world - Henry excluded - in a ski resort to celebrate Christmas and New Year's.

"Hey," James said and touched him on the shoulder.

Alex jumped. He looked around confused, not quite sure where exactly they were.

"You can get out of the car, too, you know." James grinned, obviously amused by Alex, but equally entranced by their surroundings.

John, on the other hand, looked around like he'd seen all of this before. Which made sense since he knew this place already, but Alex couldn't quite understand how this could in any way be boring.

"You okay?" His mum asked as she came around the car.

"Yeah," Alex shrugged, then looked around again. "Can we park here?"

The car stood right in front of the hotel entrance and even though Alex didn't have a driver's license, he knew it was probably a bad idea to just let the car stay here. "Don't be silly," Henry said probably the first words in a week or so directed at Alex. "We're having it valeted." With that, he called over an employee and threw them the car keys.

Alex frowned. "You what?"

"Means we're getting our stuff and don't have to take care of the car," John explained. Now he seemed a little excited. "Come on, I wanna see our room!"

That made Alex smile again. Sharing a room with John … officially. "Coming!" He looked around one last time before following the rest of his family inside.

It was even bigger than expected. Everything was pastel and gold and some flowers smelled really intensely. The employees were dressed in a pastel red and gold, which seemed to be the main colors here, and were quiet and polite. One handled a small dog, carrying it along a large suitcase over to the elevators as a tiny elderly woman followed. A pair of kids almost knocked her over as they ran down the lobby, snowboards in hand and yelling for their parents to hurry. But otherwise it was quiet, just some soft instrumental music playing over invisible speakers and everyone was so well-mannered one could make a competition out of it. This was the opposite of what Alex was used to and it felt so alien and wrong to even inhabit the same space as these people.

He stayed closely to James, who seemed equally uncomfortable. "Do they require a certificate of being rich so you can book here?" Alex wondered.

James snorted. "Yeah, probably," he said grinning. "They'd throw you out in an instant if you wander around without us."

Alex punched his brother on the arm. "You don't look better."

"I'm at college, nobody cares." James sure as hell didn't, not usually. Right now, though, he pulled at his jacket and looked as uncomfortable as Alex felt.

He was glad as Henry handed John and him their key to the room and sent them up. "We're on the top floor," John noticed as he looked at the key. An employee followed them and confused, Alex turned around to look at him. Had they done anything wrong?

"Your suitcase," the man said. "May I take care of it?"

Alex's frown deepened. "Uh …"

"Thanks," John said and handed their stuff over. He was way better at this than Alex.

"Yeah, thanks," he mumbled and made sure to hide behind John every chance he got.

Their room was double as big as the ones at home. Not included the bathroom. Everything was red and gold, even the bed sheets and the carpet, and they had a whole balcony for themselves. Alex just noticed that there was only one bed after his second tour through the rooms.

"Well," he said in a flat voice.

John noticed it too as Alex pointed it out. "I see. Uh … what do we do about that?"

Alex shrugged. "I mean, we could share it. Not like we never did that?"

Which, they both knew, was more coincidental than anything else. Mostly because Alex was constantly tired and sometimes just didn't get up after doing his homework or John crashed in his room when he couldn't stare at his own walls any longer. An issue Alex didn't quite understand but accepted nonetheless.

"If you're fine with that," he added, not quite sure if John was okay with that.

John didn't look at him directly when answering. "Uh, sure."

"Great!" Alex grinned, then grabbed John by the hand and made him jump onto the bed with him. They fell over each other, limbs tangled and John started laughing as they rolled around in the sheets.

"You're an idiot," John laughed and grabbed a pillow to throw in Alex's face.

Alex' scream got muffled and he flailed his arms, trying to grab something else to retaliate. He wasn't about to make this whole thing weird, not when John seemed so comfortable with this, even _officially_ and not just in a kind of _the bed is convenient right now_ situation. And if that meant beating John's ass at a pillow fight, Alex was more than happy to comply.

*

John came out of the shower to find the room silent. Which was surprising, to say the least. Usually, Alex was walking around and mumbling to himself, or scribbling in one of his thousand notebooks or doing homework, and even then he couldn't sit still. But as John looked around, there was nobody. Even the light was dimmed. He frowned as he found the bed cover missing and didn't even hear quiet music. The last part wasn't all that surprising; as much as he loved music and could focus so much better with it, Alex said he couldn't hear himself think over it.

And it was cold, too. John pulled the bathrobe tighter around his body and stopped for a few seconds to put his damp hair into a towel. When he looked up again, he finally noticed the sliding door to the balcony open just a bit. Frowning, he came closer and looked outside. That's where Alex was!

Huddled up in one of the chairs, the bed cover around his shoulders and just … sitting there. Not scribbling, not even on his phone. He looked so silent and kind of … lonely. Maybe it was the cold that made John think that, but he had never seen Alex like this. Just staring in the sky, faintly illuminated by the dim light from the lamps on their night stands.

"Hey," John said quietly as he slid open the door fully. "You okay?"

Alex didn't even turn his head to look at him. It was as if he refused to move or whatever it was he was doing would be lost to him. "Yeah."

"It's freezing," John said and couldn't help visibly shivering. He tucked his hands under his arms. "You wanna come in?"

Finally, Alex turned his head to look at him. Blinked twice, as if he had to concentrate really hard. "Not yet."

John nodded. He turned around to look for his slippers and put them on before joining Alex on the balcony. "What are you doing?"

Alex had turned back into his original pose, maybe pulled the covers even tighter around himself. He didn't look at John again, just stared into the sky. The stars were almost as bright as the sun, and there were so many of them, John had to pause and really looked at them. Even the half full moon looked closer right now. For a second, he even forgot how cold he was. The view was breathtaking; of course the mountains all around them obscured some of the view, but not nearly enough to actually annoy him.

"Sit with me?" Alex asked.

John blinked the stars away and looked at Alex again. "Sure," he answered and pulled up another chair right next to Alex'. "Share?"

They were busy for a minute to drape the cover over both of them and leaned close into each other's space to share some warmth. John didn't even consider once to go look for a pair of sweatpants at least. He kind of was afraid the view wouldn't last, this whole moment would be gone when he got back. Which was stupid, he knew that. But he'd rather freeze to death than not share this with Alex.

They fell silent again, their shoulders touching and both of them holding part of the cover. That's when Alex put his head on John's shoulder. His hair tickled a little and John couldn't help a faint smile. He'd rather watch Alex than the stars, but they were really pretty, too. "They're the same stars and moon I've always looked up at," Alex said quietly, as if he would disturb the whole scene if he spoke too loudly. "It's weird, right? I mean, wherever you are, it's always the same."

John hadn't really thought about that. "I guess?" He said, keeping his voice down, too. He let his head rest on top of Alex', which was just slightly weird and uncomfortable. But he wouldn't trade it for the world. Not even the stars, though John was inclined to find a way to put them up for Alex even in daylight just because he seemed to like them.

"I liked looking at them when I was around 10 or so," Alex continued in the same hushed voice. "You know, when we still lived in St. Croix. And … I don't know, it sounds weird. But when we moved to the States, I didn't really feel at home." Which didn't sound all that weird to John, considering Alex had grown up somewhere completely different. "And James taught me about stars, then. He'd watched me watching them back on the island, he said, and he told me what they're made of and how some of them are most likely dead already and their light is still traveling here. It's stupid, I know now that they're just gas and stuff, but …" Alex' voice trailed off.

"But they're still beautiful," John finished just as quietly.

Alex hummed in agreement. "And the moon. It's just a rock and it shines because it reflects the sunlight, so it's not even real moonlight. Everyone says this and they lie. But it's the same one, from wherever you look, and it was the same one a hundred and even a thousand years ago. Every person in history has looked up at the same moon. It makes us look so small and insignificant."

"Or great," John mumbled after thinking this over for a minute. "I mean, we've been up there. There's a flag and footprints and photos, isn't there. I think it makes us big, because we've looked at it, found it pretty and wanted to … like, say hi in person."

Alex didn't say anything else, so they continued to sit there, watching the stars and the moon until they couldn't bear the cold anymore. And even then, they put out the lights so it wouldn't reflect in the windows and the glass door.


	13. First Times

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That last part was written in a kind of med-induced coma. Because I refused to stop until it was finished.
> 
> Also I've updated the tags, but watch out for underage drinking in the final scene if you're uncomfortable with that.

Alex hadn't seen this much snow in … well, in forever, he supposed. It was a whole mountain full, and that was just where they were staying. And it was cold, too. Of course he'd know that, but feeling the chilly air pierce his cheeks like needles and the soft but icy snow under his feet was quite something else. Especially because he felt it more times than he'd like, what with him being absolutely useless at any kind of sports whatsoever.

Even the smaller children riding up the mountain again and again with their parents were better at this. And, of course, the piste wasn't empty. So there were a lot more people around to judge him, while their parents had fun and occasionally checked on them to make sure Alex hadn't died yet.

They had tried skis on their first day, and it didn't work. Alex had thought maybe it was because they were long and copious and Alex couldn't even manage standing for a minute before they slid away under him and he landed on his ass. Again and again and again.

So now was snowboards. John and James had gotten used to them pretty quickly, John much easier than his brother. He'd done this often enough to be better at this whole snowboarding thing than Alex could even begin to imagine. But even James got the hang of it eventually, slowly sliding down the piste and only occasionally falling over again.

Alex, on the other hand, had problems standing still. John held his hands as he tried for what felt like the hundredth time this day, knees wobbly and snowboard just barely not sliding away again.

"Hey, that looks great so far," John said with a smile Alex could only describe as proud.

Then he let go, Alex tried grabbing him again and fell over. Not only that, he crashed into John with much more force than he'd imagined and there they lay, snow covering them and Alex blushing furiously. Not only because it felt quite good to lie on top of John, no matter the circumstances, but also because he was embarrassed. "This is useless," he mumbled into John's jacket and pushed himself up into a kneeling position next to the other boy. "I'm useless at this."

"Aw, c'mon." John patted his shoulder. "You're not _that_ useless. I mean, well …"

Alex raised one eyebrow at him. "I know what you mean, Laurens. Don't even try to make me feel better. I'll go inside, get a hot coffee and just … never look at a snowboard again."

Before John could answer, they could hear James yell. "Hey, get away, I don't know where the brakes are!"

John and Alex turned their heads just in time to see Alex' brother racing towards them. He kept himself upright, but barely, and was way faster than Alex thought was healthy. Trying to scramble out of the way was useless, as proven by James hitting and falling right over him. Alex had the wind knocked out of himself and choked on some snow while James landed face-first, his legs still on top of Alex.

"Fuck," Alex exclaimed. He couldn't do anything than lie around uselessly until James had the decency to get his snowboard and legs out of the way.

"Dammit," James commented and turned on his back. He had the nerve to laugh a little, even. "That was fun."

Which weren't the wisest words spoken today, but the ones that made John laugh the loudest. Even he fell over now, despite not having a useless piece of plastic under his feet, and held his stomach as he continued to laugh quite some time.

"You should've seen your face," John choked out and let himself fall on his back.

"I hate sports," Alex mumbled dryly. He didn't even manage to be satisfied that at least John had some fun. This whole situation was frustrating and he couldn't muster any more motivation.

"Hey, you okay?" They heard his mum's voice before they even saw her. She came around, skiing like she'd never done anything else in her life, and looked at them with a slight frown. "I saw your crash. Anyone hurt?"

"My dignity," Alex deadpanned.

"Your what?" James even had the nerve to look confused.

That was the last straw. Alex grabbed two fistfuls of snow and threw them at his brother's face. Which made John laugh even harder. Especially when James was finished rubbing the snow away, got off his snowboard and jumped Alex. He wasn't afraid to scream in a high pitch right as James shoved him face-first into the snow.

Alex gasped as snow was suddenly all over him and even under his jacket and made him shiver violently. He flailed his arms uselessly and grabbed some more of the evil white powdery stuff to try and hit James with, but wasn't quite sure if he managed to pull it off.

"That's what you get for being a little shit," James laughed and rubbed some more snow into Alex' hair.

"I hate you," Alex muffled in between having a mouthful of snow. "Get off me!"

Somewhere next to them, Alex could still hear John laughing, and even his mum joined in at some point. "Seems like you're fine," she said.

"Nooo," Alex whined. He somehow managed to get on his back and shoved James away.

His brother landed on his back and then squealed. "Snow under my jacket!"

Alex blinked, and then joined into the laughing. That was by far the funniest thing he'd seen all week. It took him some time to calm down, after which he let John help him get out of the snowboard.

"You okay?" John asked as he unclasped the board.

"Yeah." Alex had already taken off his gloves to wipe the snow out of his hair and face. "Like I said – coffee. And a shower."

"Really?" John looked up with that kind of face that made Alex' insides melt and give him whatever he wanted. Not this time, though.

"Yeah. I'm just not cut out for sports." Finally, he was free of the damned plastic thing from hell, and could even stand up on his own again.

John looked like he wanted to protest, but went quiet and shrugged. "Okay, sure." Standing up looked really effortless when he did it. "Want me to keep you company?"

Alex was tempted to say yes, just because he liked John's company and being without him for a few hours caused some kind of withdrawal symptoms. But he shook his head. After all, John hadn't gotten around to ski properly for a day and a half and he seemed so excited by it. "Go have some fun with James, I'll be thawing upstairs."

John smiled a little. "Okay."

James looked at them for a second, then nodded at Alex. "Come on, you need to teach me how not to crash into things," he demanded and put a hand on John's shoulder.

"Sure," John shrugged and chuckled a little. "But it _was_ funny."

Alex didn't go upstairs right away. He watched his brother and John talk and walk over to the ski lift, which would take them up the mountain so they could have some fun doing actual sports instead of babysitting him. It was a little sad he couldn't join them, but he'd rather take a really hot shower and wait around in their room than spoil John's fun.

*

It wasn't a surprise that John woke up earlier than Alex. He usually did; something inside him didn't want him getting a good night's sleep, and today was Christmas, anyways. So he was up and about by 8, sorting through his suitcase with a toothbrush in his mouth and trying desperately not to drool toothpaste onto his clothes.

"Gotcha," he muffled around the thing in his mouth and pulled out the carefully wrapped gift Alex had gotten him. He put it onto the bed, trying way too hard not to think how he'd had to disentangle their limbs before getting up. And seriously hoping Alex hadn't noticed John using him as a pillow. A typical morning.

John was halfway dressed when he came back into the bedroom looking for pants. Or, well, he would have liked to do so if he wasn't way too curious for his own good. Usually, he'd let Alex sleep in and only wake him on time if they had to head to school, but dammit! Today was Christmas!

So John did what any sensible person would do: he jumped onto the bed and pulled the blanket from Alex. "Wake up already," John demanded. He made himself sit heavy on Alex' lap so the boy couldn't just turn around and ignore him.

"Mmh," Alex mumbled, grabbed John's pillow and put it over his face.

John blinked, confused. That was a new trick. But it wasn't as if he hadn't special countermeasures in place. Namely the fact that Alex was ticklish. "I said, wake up," John repeated as he poked Alex' side.

All of a sudden, the stolen pillow came flying right into John's face. Alex used such force he made John fall backwards and almost out of the bed. "I hate you," Alex mumbled and blindly fumbled for the blanket again, patting John's legs in the process.

"But Alex," John whined. He propped himself up on his elbows and watched Alex blink at him through his mess of hair. "C'mon, I wanna open presents."

Alex groaned and grabbed the hair tie on his wrist. John got up properly and helped with the messy bun Alex barely was capable of right after waking up. Okay, maybe he was a hundred percent capable, but John never missed an opportunity to touch him, no matter how casually. Alex let his body fall forward, cheek right against John's chest, probably – hopefully – not noticing how fast that made his heart beat.

John gingerly wrapped his arms around Alex' shoulders in a loose hug. He felt Alex' hands grab his shirt, not even moving in the slightest. Which was new, too. "Merry Christmas," he said with a smile, even though talking normally was almost impossible.

Whatever it was that made Alex this tame and cuddly, it was gone after he had gotten up and staggered into the bathroom. Probably the lack of coffee, John mused, even though that usually made Alex grumpy and not cuddly. He couldn't help missing the warmth of the other body against his. He stared at the closed bathroom door way too long, trying to think of a way to go back a minute or two and just … John sighed. He'd be content even with just being able to run his hands through Alex' hair again. Just for a bit longer.

Finally, Alex had the decency to distract John from his own pathetic thoughts and returned. "What about pants?" He asked casually and only then did John notice he hadn't gotten around to … well, doing anything.

John thought about for a second and then shook his head. "Presents first," he demanded.

Alex huffed, but nodded and got his own out of his suitcase. They sat opposite each other on the bed, both gingerly removing the wrapping paper. John could tell Alex didn't have much experience with wrapping things, but the striped paper looked endearing and as he removed it and found headphones, he couldn't help but smile. His own were on the verge of breaking, only playing music when he put them in a certain angle into his phone or laptop and even then he couldn't move an inch. And these ones were … nice, to say the least. He didn't even know where Alex had gotten the money for this kind of brand and quality, and for a few seconds John thought he might cry because he was so happy about them.

"Thank you," he choked out and leaned over to hug Alex again, this time properly. And yeah, maybe he used the hug as an excuse to hide his face and tried blinking the tears away.

"You're … I can't breathe," Alex mumbled but John felt him returning the hug. "And thanks yourself. It's great."

John's smile widened through a tear slipping down his cheek. He knew Alex filled notebook after notebook, and his scribbles of poetry and some short stories laid around in John's room now, too. So going by Alex' reaction, the leather-bound notebook and pen set he'd found was the right decision.

*

If Alex had thought the hotel's restaurant was big, it was quite the understatement. The staff had pushed most of the tables away or moved them out and now it looked more like a ballroom than anything else. The light was dimmed and music played over the speakers, not loud enough to be distracting, but noticeable. There weren't many kids around younger than them, and even in their same age range, people were rare. Which was fine by Alex, because he'd rather spent a whole evening alone with John than socializing.

Which wouldn't be that much of a problem, since most people around them dressed like they were going to a wedding. And here they were, all three of them – James included – wearing hoodies and not really caring how nice they looked. It was New Year's Eve, for God's sake – Alex could be at home watching TV and maybe even planning the next DnD session. But here he was, kind of awkwardly clinging to the sleeve of John's hoodie so they wouldn't lose each other.

"Is there food?" John asked while looking around on his tiptoes. Alex tried to stifle a laugh. He usually was the short one, so seeing John not being able to look over other people's heads was kind of funny.

"I think so," James said and shrugged. "I'll have a look around. Don't run away."

"Wouldn't get far," Alex pointed out. After all, their parents were around, too, his mum with a champagne flute and Henry with a glass of beer. Or, well, Alex assumed it was beer. He didn't have any particular experiences with alcohol.

"Why don't you talk to some people?" His mum suggested right this instant. And really, she should know better. The disgusted look Alex shot her was quite indicative of what he thought of her idea. "Now, don't be like that, not today. Nobody's going to bite if you … well, _try_ to be nice."

"Muuum," Alex whined, and wasn't ashamed of it in the slightest. He grabbed John's arm properly. "There's a people."

John laughed. "I think I don't count."

"I don't care. You count in my eyes." John looked away pretty quickly and mumbled something Alex couldn't quite make out.

"Maybe if you'd dressed better, you wouldn't be so embarrassed," Henry suggested with a frown and looked them both up and down.

"Well, maybe I don't want to be mistaken for someone with a stick up their ass," Alex answered, keeping his voice as calm as possible.

John shook his arm free and put a hand on his shoulder. "You know what," he said as he led Alex away, "maybe finding someone else our age isn't such a bad idea." Alex was ready to protest, but as soon as they were out of earshot, John leaned down and whispered, "Are you out of your _fucking_ mind?"

Alex groaned. "Yes, I know I shouldn't pick fights with your dad, but he makes it so damn easy!"

John rolled his eyes. "You're serious, aren't you. Of course. Alex, I want a day in my life where you don't try to one-up dad in being an asshole."

"Friendly reminder that you're friends with me voluntarily?" Alex tried to look as innocent as possible, but apparently John didn't have any of that tonight. "Okay, promise I'll ignore him for the rest of the evening."

"Well," John sighed and rubbed his neck with a hand. "Not great, but I think that'll do."

Alex bit his lip. John got worked up over his rants way more often these past few weeks, and he should really try to keep it down a little, especially when John wasn't half-smiling anymore when he complained. Thing was, Henry was his favorite object of hate and spite and Alex wasn't going to let anyone ruin that. But if he tried, if he really tried, he could maybe let it go for an evening or two. "Okay," he gave in and grabbed John's sweater again. "No more talking about the H-word."

John looked at him again with a slight frown. "Well, I suppose that'll do."

Still, all those people bored Alex to death. They found a couple of kids in suits, for God's sake. And they looked like they were content with that, looking Alex and John up and down and then turning around to obviously ignore them. Neither Alex nor John had the energy to put up with that, but they also didn't know what to do around here while waiting for midnight and then sneaking somewhere quiet where they could watch the fireworks the hotel had promised.

"Hey!" James suddenly appeared right between them after an hour or so, making them jump. He laughed a little too loud and his cheeks were a bit red. "Look what I found!"

"I've decided on a career path," John said as he pushed the open can of beer James held in his hand down a little so other people wouldn't notice – even if they obviously weren't paying them attention. "It's kindergarten teacher. I think I've already got the basics down."

Somehow, that made James laugh again. "But I snuck one away for you, too!"

Alex couldn't help but giggle a little. "Where the hell –" He shut up before he could say anything incriminating and grabbed the other can to put into the front pocket of his hoodie. "Thanks."

James' grin widened as he put both arms around John and Alex. "You're gonna thank me _so much_ for this," he giggled.

"You've obviously had more than one, didn't you?" John mused and was answered when James leaned way into his personal space and breathed right into his face. John pulled a face and pushed James' head away with one hand.

Then he looked at Alex with an expression that made it clear he didn't know what to do with James right now. He obviously was tipsy and in a great mood, which probably was related? But Alex didn't know enough about his brother's drinking habits to say for sure.

James couldn't act sober to save his life, especially when they found their mum and Henry again just a few minutes before midnight. People around them got worked up, some even starting to count down right now, so James' behavior wouldn't have been too out of the ordinary. But their mum took one look at him and raised an eyebrow. "We're having a talk about this tomorrow," she threatened.

James' grin turned a bit sheepish. "Sorry, mum."

Henry gave him a stern look, too. "You should really know better."

John and Alex traded a look; Henry usually never got involved in whatever his kids, blood-related or not, were doing. Except maybe to put an end to it. Maybe he'd had a bit too much to drink, too. But people started filing out on the patio and their parents made them come along. "C'mon, there's going to be a big firework," his mum promised and put a hand on each Alex and John's backs.

They were squished between multiple people, Alex not tall enough to really look over anyone's shoulders. Not only was he glad for his mum's support, he also grabbed John's hand as to not lose him out there. The night was chilly as usual, but he didn't really notice between all the warm bodies and of course being pressed into John's side. Their fingers intertwined as neither of them dared to look at each other.

Someone started a ten second countdown.

Alex looked around. His mum looked happy, a wide smile on her face and leaning into Henry. Whatever it was she saw in that man, he had to have a good side he maybe only showed to people who weren't in his custody.

_Nine._

James pulled another can of beer out of his own hoodie. And under the stern look of Henry, he filled his and Rachel's empty champagne flutes. "That's not appropriate for a beer," Henry complained, but still nodded at James in what seemed to be appreciation.

_Eight._

"Thanks, sweetie," Rachel said and took one of the flutes from Henry, though her words were directed at James. "But you're still not getting away with this."

_Seven._

Alex felt a shiver run down his spine as the cold finally reached his body, working it's way through the hoodie and shirt. The patio was big enough that they were finally left with some breathing room, even though more and more people still came outside.

_Six._

He didn't let go of John's hand, though. And John didn't let go, either. Even though his hands were always way colder than they should be, that was a thing Alex gladly put up with if it meant even the tiniest bit body contact. Leaning against John, sleeping in the same bed as him, touching him casually whenever he got the chance … no matter how small, Alex gladly jumped at any chance to be near him.

_Five._

For a brief moment, Alex wondered what their friends were up to. He hadn't heard from Laf and Herc and didn't know if either of them had the courage to confess to the other. But he knew they were planning on spending New Year's together. Just like Peggy and her sisters together with Maria, since she probably didn't have any problems sneaking out of her house. And Ned and his family would be together, too. Maybe they could all meet up again before school started.

_Four._

Alex dared looking at John, who looked right back. If they couldn't be with all their friends, at least they were with each other. And their family, no matter how dysfunctional it was. Alex would gladly choose losing himself in John's eyes over the fireworks. He liked feeling so … helpless, in a way.

_Three._

But that wasn't a chance he would get anytime soon. James crashed into his side, stumbling a bit and putting an arm around Alex' shoulders. "You're the bestest little brother ever," he declared way too loudly, right as Alex felt John letting go of his hand.

_Two._

"Thanks, I guess," he said flatly, not quite sure how to respond to James' drunken declaration of love.

_One._

It was weird, but Alex couldn't help but think of the past year. In the beginning, everything had been fine. Public school was the usual hell, but Ned, Peggy and Maria made it all manageable. Their DnD sessions were always fun, and most importantly he got to see his friends in person regularly. Then Maria was shipped off to boarding school and his mum declared her engagement. Meeting John turned his whole world upside down, but Alex couldn't be happier with it.

_Zero._

Everyone around them started cheering and hugging each other, and red and golden fireworks bloomed in the night sky and in front of the massive mountains surrounding them, flashing everyone in a bright light and even drowning out the stars in the sky. Alex' mum gave Henry a kiss and then hugged him and James and John, giving each of them a kiss on the forehead, too.

"For good luck," she yelled above the other people's cheers as she saw John's confused face.

James hugged them, too, yelling something incomprehensible into their ears. Alex didn't refuse his brother's touch, as he knew it was pointless. Rather the high spirits were infectious and his smile never even wavered as he saw Henry nod to him, and instead responded in the same way. And then John's arms were around him and Alex could smell him and touch him shamelessly and it felt so _good_.

"Happy New Year," he said into the thick fabric of John's hoodie and closed his eyes. Something inside him demanded to stay like this forever, but he knew that wasn't possible.*

Around 2 AM, Rachel decided that they should head to bed. Not just because James started yawning, the alcohol probably leaving him tired. But she herself looked like she'd had a long night and his dad didn't intercept to tell her they should stay, either. So John and Alex waited until the people going up with the elevator mostly cleared and it was just them and an older businessman looking guy. Much less crowded, and much more time for themselves.

"I'm not even tired yet," Alex complained a little, though not in his usual tone. Whatever it was that made him so happy, John hoped it lasted for days come.

"You're never," he replied and stifled a chuckle. "You're like 80 percent caffeine by now."

"Not true!" Alex puffed his cheeks. "90 at least!"

This time, John laughed out loud. The businessman shot them a weird look and got off several floors below theirs. "Okay, sure."

"Also we still have this," Alex said and pulled out the can of beer out of his hoodie's pocket.

John had all but forgotten about this. Riding the high of emotions since the new year started was like a drug, drowning out all the bad thoughts that usually crept up on him all hours of the day. He would probably even be able to go to sleep like a normal person instead of lying awake for hours until exhaustion finally took over and he passed out. It had gotten a lot better since Alex started sleeping next to him, but John still found himself wide awake in the middle of the night more often than not.

"Wanna share this?" Alex offered, pulling him out of the weird downward spiral his thoughts always managed to come up with.

"Sure," John shrugged. Because why the heck not. It wasn't like they were … okay, maybe they _were_ doing something illegal, and maybe it was his first drink ever, but hey! He was allowed to have a little fun, too.

As soon as they were in their room, they turned up the heater and sat on the bed. Anticipation bubbled up inside John. He watched closely as Alex opened the can, though it wasn't just because he felt a bit weird. He liked watching Alex. His hands always moved with determination, like he had a clear goal in mind and couldn't get there fast enough. That way he typed up essays far longer than they needed to be, or flicked through a textbook until he found exactly the passage he was looking for, or even made a coffee. Everything he did had a sense of purpose, no matter how mundane, while John mostly sat there and doodled away on a scrap piece of paper.

John blinked as Alex held out the open can of beer to him. "Uh," John said and frowned at it a little. "Have you ever had this?"

"Nope," Alex answered casually and grinned a little. "What could possibly go wrong?"

John rolled his eyes. "You ever hear yourself say this and then notice how everything goes to shit?"

"Yeah, well." Alex frowned at him, then took back the can. "If you don't want to go first, I will."

"Hell no!" John grabbed the can so fast some of the beer spilled on top of it. "If it's gonna be anything like you drinking coffee, I won't get to taste a beer for _years_!" And with that, he took a gulp. It felt tingly on his lips and the taste was … not great, to say the least. It was kind of foamy like cappuccino with whipped cream on top, but in a carbonated, bitter and not great way. John licked his lips, still frowning and not sure what to make of it.

"Is it poisoned?" Alex asked. He looked mildly concerned until John shook his head and handed him the can. And then watched Alex over-enthusiastically take a big gulp and then slap his other hand on his mouth to keep from spitting out everything. His face scrunched up and John could almost hear him gulp.

He couldn't help the laugh bubbling up inside him. It felt a little silly, even though he was probably far from even being tipsy, but it all looked so comical. "It's weird, right?" John asked in between giggles.

"The worst," Alex nodded, but found it in himself to smile a little. Right before taking a way smaller sip and handing John the can.

That way, they emptied it in a few minutes, laughing at the faces they pulled and trying to fathom the taste. John thought it got better after a few sips, but he wasn't sure. Maybe the alcohol got to his head too fast and made him think it was good?

John wouldn't say that he was drunk or even tipsy, not a lot anyways, but it made him giggle as Alex went off on a tangent about how ridiculous everybody had looked at the party. An opinion both of them shared. "… and honestly, they don't even have a sense of purpose with their suits and stuff," he rambled and rolled his eyes. "I mean, have you _looked_ at them? What are they thinking, wearing _suits_ to a _party_?"

Most of those words blurred together because Alex was talking faster than John's brain had the capacity to process those words. Even his thoughts of 'bad' and 'forbidden' ceased to exist in the very same realm as him as John grabbed Alex' wrist to stop him from gesticulating too much and spilling the rest of the beer onto their bed.

Alex went still all of a sudden and looked at him with big eyes. Which made John kind of uncomfortable, but in a good way, as usual. The fluttering in his stomach was back and hit him full-on, like being run over by a truck full of butterflies or whatever that metaphor was. "What?" John managed, not sure if his voice was too hoarse or his throat really was as dry as it felt.

Alex just stared at him for a few seconds, before seemingly blinking himself or his thoughts back into existence. "Nothing." Alex' tone was a bit weird. "I just … like it when you do that."

And yeah, okay, maybe John was a bit dense right now. Or always. But he didn't get what Alex was trying to say. "Like what?"

Alex' cheeks turned red in a matter of seconds. Or maybe they had been for a bit and John only noticed now. They looked like they did out in the snow, after his and James' snow fight, so pretty John couldn't look away even if he tried. Not that he did, not right now. "I …" Alex cleared his throat, then continued in a quiet voice. "I like it when you touch me."

And yeah, okay, in context that made a lot of sense, but still – John was pretty sure his cheeks got at least as red as Alex', because that sounded kind of … wrong. But still right. And he didn't let go of Alex' wrist, not even thinking about it. Because if Alex liked it, there was no reason to stop, right? John was pretty good at convincing himself of stuff, if he wanted to or not.

Another idea sprang up in his mind, too, which objectively was a lot worse than just touching his future step-brother. Usually, he would keep it to himself. Because that's what he always did when these kind of thoughts crept up on him. He would turn up the music or bore himself to death with homework or put on a show on his laptop to take his mind off … well, Alex. But this time, there was no distraction and he wasn't even sure if the beer made him braver than usual or if it was just him pretending to be some sort of drunk.

"I could … I mean, if you want to." John bit his lip. "For good luck?"

"Could what?" Alex asked.

John realized he hadn't spoken out loud what exactly was going on in his mind. Maybe to brush this thought off if he panicked just now. Only that he didn't, which was a bit weird, but also not in a bad way. Feeling calm was usually the opposite of how he existed on any given day. His thoughts ran wild and in a downward spiral that made Anakin's descent to the Dark Side look like a walk in the park. John shook his head slightly, not wanting to remember the weird crush he had on the Star Wars prequels as a kid.

"Hey?" Alex waved his free hand in front of his face.

"I want to kiss you," John blurted out before his thoughts had time to catch up.

Alex stopped in the middle of his movement. Then blinked slowly and, if that was even possible, got even redder. "Okay," he then agreed quietly. "Like … for good luck?"

John nodded, then shook his head. "I mean, if you want to?" He suggested. "But kind of … not like that."

"Stop talking," Alex said softly and John knew the whole situation was weird if _Alex_ was the one to say this.

John didn't know what to expect of his first kiss, but it certainly wasn't that Alex even looked this pretty just leaning in. For a few seconds, the bad thoughts came up again. Like how bad this situation was and that they would both regret it in the near future and that John would hate himself for forever for doing this. So much for keeping his distance. Then again, he hadn't managed to do just that for weeks now and so he leaned in, too, and kissed Alex.

He tasted a bit like beer, but not just that and it was weird and John gripped Alex' wrist so hard he was sure he'd leave a bruise. But if he didn't ground himself … it felt like falling. And Alex grabbed his hoodie, too, and then kissed him again and again, until both of them stopped, short of breath and not even an inch apart.

"I think I like that," Alex whispered and John could feel his warm breath on his cheeks.

He didn't dare open his eyes again fully, just enough to take a look at Alex' face. He smiled a little and it seemed so genuine and happy that John wondered if Alex had wanted this too for as long as he had. "Yeah, me too," John then answered in an equally hushed voice.

Finally, he let go of Alex' wrist, just to put both hands on his cheeks and kiss him again. He didn't know where the can of beer went, but Alex was gripping his shoulders with both hands and pulled him closer. It was kind of a mess, but John liked it. He liked basically crawling up on Alex' lap and being held close and just … kissing him and only briefly stopping to breathe, until Alex' lips looked red and swollen and maybe that wasn't healthy, but neither of them stopped long enough to consider this.

Not when all those butterflies were on a rampage in his stomach. Still a weird feeling, and John was nervous and didn't know if he did something right or wrong. But Alex never complained and, in fact, didn't say _anything_. There were those small noises like they came out of the back of his throat, but John honestly couldn't tell if they were his or Alex', or both. He just knew that it all felt like a daze and a wave of pure bliss washing over him and goosebumps formed on his arms and he didn't ever want to stop.


End file.
